The other day marked the end of an Era for me. My first internet chat board is shutting down. It is my Jazzercise board. Originally named www.physcial.com.
I found this board at a time in my life where I needed it most. I had just gone out on my own as a solo instructor. There were no other instructors in the immediate area for me to lean on. It was just me. I remember being so nervous the first time I posted. I remember that my typing and spelling mistakes were quickly pointed out to me. I also remember what internet 'short cuts' were. FYI, BTDT, TFS, LOL, and so many more!
The board provided me a sounding board to bounce ideas off of, special friendship, giving and receiving advice and new ideas. I truly feel that it contributed to my success as a Jazzercise instructor. I use to visit the site every day. I found wonderful support when I married, suffered miscarriages and then the birth of my babies. It was also fun to share the latest Jazzergossip or complain about the ups and downs of teaching Jazzercise. This internet chat board or "Chatters" as we were once called, started a new chapter in my life. Internet friendships.
When I was pregnant with my twins, I found a support board called "pregnant with multiples" where I met some of the best friends of my life. I have been friends with many of these ladies for over 6 years. We have shared good times and bad. They to were there with support, advice, and comfort in raising twins! I consider many of these ladies near and dear to me. Most people can't fathom having an 'online' community of friends. Many of them were there for me in one of my darkest hours showering me with support and friendship. I felt them rally around me as I fought the new enemy.
When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I went to the internet again and found another support group. Much different than the first two, yet the same. A common thread brought us together. Cancer. This time it was different. I was bold, had learned all the etiquette of internet chat and felt comfortable posting among strangers. They didn't stay strangers for long. I have met some really great ladies. I have lost friends too, that have died from Breast Cancer. It is strange to belong to a group where people come and go for various reasons, drop in because they are scared and don't know where to turn.
We hear a lot about support groups and how important they are for people. I think it is the social aspect. Because our communities are more spread out and we don't socialize on an intimate level with our neighbors, these groups have filled the void. Sometimes the friendships that we form feel safer than our real life friends. They can be less work and provide comfort.
Who would have thought 15 years ago I would have so many friends all of over the world because of the internet? Very cool.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Are we fooling ourselves?
I belong to a Breast Cancer support group. Online. It was a rock for me over the past two years. I can't leave it. I hang on to share with old friends I made over the years and to help the newly diagnosed.
With the good comes the sad. I have had friends that have died from this damn disease. I have watched friends go from 'early' diagnosis to Stage IV. Each one tears me up. We all post about the lastest studies, drugs or advances. We share stories of survivors who have been alive for years with active cancer or no reoccurance.
But what I have noticed is that it is the few. Many of us are advancing in our cancers. The chemo has done a great job, but it is moving to where we don't want it to go, our brains...our bone marrow...it sucks. It is robbing young women of life. It is robbing children of their mommies.
I am mad. Furious. I am scared.
With the good comes the sad. I have had friends that have died from this damn disease. I have watched friends go from 'early' diagnosis to Stage IV. Each one tears me up. We all post about the lastest studies, drugs or advances. We share stories of survivors who have been alive for years with active cancer or no reoccurance.
But what I have noticed is that it is the few. Many of us are advancing in our cancers. The chemo has done a great job, but it is moving to where we don't want it to go, our brains...our bone marrow...it sucks. It is robbing young women of life. It is robbing children of their mommies.
I am mad. Furious. I am scared.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
What to do...
I am struggling right now with a moral decision. I am raising my husbands grand-nephew. His bio mother has no bond with him. Never did. I doubt it will change. The bad news is that she is pregnant again. She is hell bent on keeping it. The family is livid. We don't think she should.
Why shouldn't she have the right to keept his child? She hasn't taken responsibility for the first. She has no home. She has no income. She has nothing.
What should we do as a family? Practice tough love and do nothing? You see she has lied and stolen from the very ones who have supported her the past 5 years. We have nothing left to give.
What gets hard is when we think about the unborn child. We tried so hard to counsel her on adoption. To no avail. Do we help her for the sake of the baby? Or stand aside and watch?
I truly don't no what to do. That is hard for me. I would sleep better if she had a home and a job. Or if she would do the most unselfish thing and give the baby up for adoption. G*d help us.
Why shouldn't she have the right to keept his child? She hasn't taken responsibility for the first. She has no home. She has no income. She has nothing.
What should we do as a family? Practice tough love and do nothing? You see she has lied and stolen from the very ones who have supported her the past 5 years. We have nothing left to give.
What gets hard is when we think about the unborn child. We tried so hard to counsel her on adoption. To no avail. Do we help her for the sake of the baby? Or stand aside and watch?
I truly don't no what to do. That is hard for me. I would sleep better if she had a home and a job. Or if she would do the most unselfish thing and give the baby up for adoption. G*d help us.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Real Moments
Living in the MOMENT
I am a self-help book addict. It is true!! I must have read hundreds of self-help books over the course of my adult life from relationships, children and of course cancer.
Some were really good, some were okay, and some were horrible! I think the worst one I read was BABY WISE…two of the best ones I read was Healthy Sleep Habits, happy Baby, invaluable for twin mothers and How to Stop Worrying and start Living.
One that I read that I have been thinking a lot about is a book called Real Moments.
What are Real Moments?
I have spent a portion of my life not enjoying the real moments. Real moments are the now not the when. As some of the clichés go, stopping to smell the roses, enjoying people.
I had a horrible habit of looking forward to events thinking that if only I would get married, get a dog, get a house, get a different job that I would be happy. When I never stopped and enjoyed some the basic moments in life that actually made me happy. If I reflect back to the times that were filled with the most fun or joy they were basic events with family or friends. Moments of intense laughter, companionship and just plan old fun.
What stood in the way me not enjoying real moments? For one, my intensity to do several tasks at once. Can you believe that I can talk on the phone, empty the dishwasher and cook all at the same time? Crazy isn’t it? The drive to get everything accomplished. I am not a perfectionist, but I am a multitasker/overachiever. I will set about daily list and try to accomplish everything I can. My husband will plan one event for the weekend, and after he accomplishes it, he is “exhausted”. Heck, I could paint a bedroom, do laundry, make dinner, and clean the carpet in one weekend!
How has this changed? Well, for one having children. The blessing of having children is that every day is filled with so many real moments that it is breath taking. The second would be having one’s mortality smack you in the face and scream “Times up!”. I look at my kids now and think, “I don’t want to miss any of this”. If they ask me to lay down with them at night and we chat about anything, most of the time it is quite humorous, it is as real as it gets. The excitement when they learn something new like beating me in checkers, or invite me to see their latest creation is as real as it gets. Watching them play solders in the front yard after watching a civil war reenactment. I love every stinking minute of it. However, I think the only real moment I don’t enjoy is the fighting between the kiddos.
I don’t want to you think I am totally wrapped up in my children. I enjoy my friends and adult activities. I need those once in a while. That is what completes me as a good mother, wife, friend and manager.
Why are real moments so important to me? Well, I decided a while ago that time is something that we can never get back. There are no do overs in life. If for any reason my life is cut short I want my children to remember a mother who took the time to be with them. A mother who gave out plenty of hugs and kisses, made it to most of their school and athletic activities and a mother who they will remember as fun. I want them to remember me with happiness not restriction. I know that in 10, 20 or 30 years, they won’t care that the kitchen was never clean, that the floors were dirty or that I never fed them 5 course meals. I want them to remember a mother who love to spend time with her children, who played and laughed with them and who was there to share those real moments, because once they are gone, we can never get them back.
Next time someone in your life, whether it be your pet, spouse or child is sharing a real moment, think of what you might miss if you don’t stop to enjoy the moment.
I am a self-help book addict. It is true!! I must have read hundreds of self-help books over the course of my adult life from relationships, children and of course cancer.
Some were really good, some were okay, and some were horrible! I think the worst one I read was BABY WISE…two of the best ones I read was Healthy Sleep Habits, happy Baby, invaluable for twin mothers and How to Stop Worrying and start Living.
One that I read that I have been thinking a lot about is a book called Real Moments.
What are Real Moments?
I have spent a portion of my life not enjoying the real moments. Real moments are the now not the when. As some of the clichés go, stopping to smell the roses, enjoying people.
I had a horrible habit of looking forward to events thinking that if only I would get married, get a dog, get a house, get a different job that I would be happy. When I never stopped and enjoyed some the basic moments in life that actually made me happy. If I reflect back to the times that were filled with the most fun or joy they were basic events with family or friends. Moments of intense laughter, companionship and just plan old fun.
What stood in the way me not enjoying real moments? For one, my intensity to do several tasks at once. Can you believe that I can talk on the phone, empty the dishwasher and cook all at the same time? Crazy isn’t it? The drive to get everything accomplished. I am not a perfectionist, but I am a multitasker/overachiever. I will set about daily list and try to accomplish everything I can. My husband will plan one event for the weekend, and after he accomplishes it, he is “exhausted”. Heck, I could paint a bedroom, do laundry, make dinner, and clean the carpet in one weekend!
How has this changed? Well, for one having children. The blessing of having children is that every day is filled with so many real moments that it is breath taking. The second would be having one’s mortality smack you in the face and scream “Times up!”. I look at my kids now and think, “I don’t want to miss any of this”. If they ask me to lay down with them at night and we chat about anything, most of the time it is quite humorous, it is as real as it gets. The excitement when they learn something new like beating me in checkers, or invite me to see their latest creation is as real as it gets. Watching them play solders in the front yard after watching a civil war reenactment. I love every stinking minute of it. However, I think the only real moment I don’t enjoy is the fighting between the kiddos.
I don’t want to you think I am totally wrapped up in my children. I enjoy my friends and adult activities. I need those once in a while. That is what completes me as a good mother, wife, friend and manager.
Why are real moments so important to me? Well, I decided a while ago that time is something that we can never get back. There are no do overs in life. If for any reason my life is cut short I want my children to remember a mother who took the time to be with them. A mother who gave out plenty of hugs and kisses, made it to most of their school and athletic activities and a mother who they will remember as fun. I want them to remember me with happiness not restriction. I know that in 10, 20 or 30 years, they won’t care that the kitchen was never clean, that the floors were dirty or that I never fed them 5 course meals. I want them to remember a mother who love to spend time with her children, who played and laughed with them and who was there to share those real moments, because once they are gone, we can never get them back.
Next time someone in your life, whether it be your pet, spouse or child is sharing a real moment, think of what you might miss if you don’t stop to enjoy the moment.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
I am now an American Cancer Society volunteer
I spent this morning at the American Cancer Society attending a seminar that said "I am glad that you asked". It was an informational session about ACS. It was enlightening. I didn't realize that the ACS was the 2nd largest contributor to Cancer research. I assumed it was KOMEN. I also learned that it focuses on the 4 major cancers that are 70% of the cases diagnosed. I didn't know that either. I learned about services, help lines, advocacy and their database.
Why did I go? Did I need to learn about cancer? nope. I decided I was going to reach out to other survivors. I have volunteered to service BC survivors in the ACS Reach for Recovery program. I am giving back. I begin that specific training in a few weeks. Sadly, the volunteer coordinator had 6 new names this week. She said they usually get 2-3 a week. I think about how many women don't call.
So, I am now a ACS volunteer. I believe in the organization. More then I ever did. I was impressed with their mission statement and their financials. I do think their CEO makes too much though.
May we eradicate cancer in my life time.
Why did I go? Did I need to learn about cancer? nope. I decided I was going to reach out to other survivors. I have volunteered to service BC survivors in the ACS Reach for Recovery program. I am giving back. I begin that specific training in a few weeks. Sadly, the volunteer coordinator had 6 new names this week. She said they usually get 2-3 a week. I think about how many women don't call.
So, I am now a ACS volunteer. I believe in the organization. More then I ever did. I was impressed with their mission statement and their financials. I do think their CEO makes too much though.
May we eradicate cancer in my life time.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
So how are you anyways?
There are many odd questions that one gets asked once they have been diagnosed with cancer. People at work, family and friends. I know they don't know what to say. What to ask. But the questions I receive are hard.
"So did they get it all?". I wish I knew. But the truth is they just don't know. Cancer cells can be so small they can go undetected. After all my treatments I could present with metastic disease at anytime.
"So how are you anyways?" Compared to what? My life before cancer or after? I am okay. I hurt everyday. My muscles are so out of wack it hurts when I wake and exercise. Then that leads to fear. Is that pain really muscle ache or cancer coming back? I am afraid I will have a recurrence. I am afraid I will die from this damn disease and it won't be an easy ride.
"What is your prognosis?" Can you believe someone asked me that? Maybe it doesn't seem personal to the non-cancer patient, but to me I felt very violated. You see, my prognosis is not great. It isn't totally bad, but the odds are not what I would like.
"You know we could all die at any time." Oh yes, that infamous bus that could strike me down at anytime. Screw that! Listen, until you get cancer or some other life altering illness you will ignore your own mortality. I know,I did. I don't anymore. Everything I do and say and feel I have thoughts of my mortality lingering in the back of my mind. I try not to let it control my life. But it is a struggle.
I am conflicted on remembering the past. Why? I have the opportunity to see an old apartment that I lived for a few years. Back in my post-college years. I was so young and innocent. I want to go, but I am afraid. Afraid of remembering my past. The innocence of life before cancer.
Well, for the most part when folks ask me "how am I" or "did they get it all"..I smile and say "so far so good" and "I hope so". That is all I can hope for and hope that fitz does not happen!
"So did they get it all?". I wish I knew. But the truth is they just don't know. Cancer cells can be so small they can go undetected. After all my treatments I could present with metastic disease at anytime.
"So how are you anyways?" Compared to what? My life before cancer or after? I am okay. I hurt everyday. My muscles are so out of wack it hurts when I wake and exercise. Then that leads to fear. Is that pain really muscle ache or cancer coming back? I am afraid I will have a recurrence. I am afraid I will die from this damn disease and it won't be an easy ride.
"What is your prognosis?" Can you believe someone asked me that? Maybe it doesn't seem personal to the non-cancer patient, but to me I felt very violated. You see, my prognosis is not great. It isn't totally bad, but the odds are not what I would like.
"You know we could all die at any time." Oh yes, that infamous bus that could strike me down at anytime. Screw that! Listen, until you get cancer or some other life altering illness you will ignore your own mortality. I know,I did. I don't anymore. Everything I do and say and feel I have thoughts of my mortality lingering in the back of my mind. I try not to let it control my life. But it is a struggle.
I am conflicted on remembering the past. Why? I have the opportunity to see an old apartment that I lived for a few years. Back in my post-college years. I was so young and innocent. I want to go, but I am afraid. Afraid of remembering my past. The innocence of life before cancer.
Well, for the most part when folks ask me "how am I" or "did they get it all"..I smile and say "so far so good" and "I hope so". That is all I can hope for and hope that fitz does not happen!
Saturday, September 30, 2006
I decided to play hookey..
I decided to play hookey this morning. I had signed up for the KOMEN 5K walk and was going to do the warm up with my Jazzercise buddies. But last night I just didn't want to go. I don't know why either. I wanted to stay home with my family.
I think cancer gave me the will power to just say no to things I really don't want to do. I think of my time as ultra precious. Something I don't want to waste. I savor each moment. That is a gift I guess that Cancer gave me.
Last year when I did the walk it was very hard emotionally. Maybe that is why I skipped it this morning. I just didn't want to be there. I should be proud that I am survivor. I am not ashamed of what happen to me. But I feel my calling to "pay it forward" is not the Komen walk. But to Mentor. Mentor other newly diagnosed women. Which I have been blessed to do several times already.
I also want to give back to the organization that helped me more than anything..Breastcancer.org. This website was my resource, it was my midnight support group. When I was scared, unsure or frightened to beyond words, it was there like a warm fuzzy sweater. The hard part is that we see new ladies join every day. I see friends who progress to mets and I have lost some friends to this damn disease. My heart breaks every time.
I wonder sometimes if I should just move ahead and keep being a cancer survivor a thing of the past. But I can't. It is not in my nature. I need to help others. I need to 'pay it forward'. That is not waling for 3 miles in the rain.
In the middle of the night one of my 5 year olds came into my room and asked me if it was a work day tomorrow. I said no, that Mommy would be home all day. I know I made the right decision to stay home with my family. I want to be at home when Fitzhappens.
I think cancer gave me the will power to just say no to things I really don't want to do. I think of my time as ultra precious. Something I don't want to waste. I savor each moment. That is a gift I guess that Cancer gave me.
Last year when I did the walk it was very hard emotionally. Maybe that is why I skipped it this morning. I just didn't want to be there. I should be proud that I am survivor. I am not ashamed of what happen to me. But I feel my calling to "pay it forward" is not the Komen walk. But to Mentor. Mentor other newly diagnosed women. Which I have been blessed to do several times already.
I also want to give back to the organization that helped me more than anything..Breastcancer.org. This website was my resource, it was my midnight support group. When I was scared, unsure or frightened to beyond words, it was there like a warm fuzzy sweater. The hard part is that we see new ladies join every day. I see friends who progress to mets and I have lost some friends to this damn disease. My heart breaks every time.
I wonder sometimes if I should just move ahead and keep being a cancer survivor a thing of the past. But I can't. It is not in my nature. I need to help others. I need to 'pay it forward'. That is not waling for 3 miles in the rain.
In the middle of the night one of my 5 year olds came into my room and asked me if it was a work day tomorrow. I said no, that Mommy would be home all day. I know I made the right decision to stay home with my family. I want to be at home when Fitzhappens.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
My babies are growing up...
My babies started kindergarten last week. Where did the time go? I never thought I would be one of those mothers that didn't want her children to grow up. Guess what? I am. I miss the days they were toddlers. I miss my fat pudgy little pacifier sucking boys. They are growing so fast. People tell you that. Just wait they say, they grow up so fast. I thought 'yeah yeah whatever...I am in sleep deprivation hell' and you are telling me this will fly by?
So as they got onto the bus I felt like crying, just a bit. They didn't look back or wave, they piled on to begin their new lives as school aged children.
The hardest part for me was two-fold. The boys are into saying things like "when I am bigger can I do this or that" or they talk about their future in school and the things they want to do. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I might not be a part of that future. G*d forbid. If the fates are kind to me, and the chemo worked I will be with them. Through all the homework, broken friendships, games, good grades and bad, and girls! I just hope I can experience those sleepless nights worrying about where they are at 11:00 at night, wanting them home. I hope they will still want to hang out with me too.
Where did the time go? I guess fitzhappens.
So as they got onto the bus I felt like crying, just a bit. They didn't look back or wave, they piled on to begin their new lives as school aged children.
The hardest part for me was two-fold. The boys are into saying things like "when I am bigger can I do this or that" or they talk about their future in school and the things they want to do. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I might not be a part of that future. G*d forbid. If the fates are kind to me, and the chemo worked I will be with them. Through all the homework, broken friendships, games, good grades and bad, and girls! I just hope I can experience those sleepless nights worrying about where they are at 11:00 at night, wanting them home. I hope they will still want to hang out with me too.
Where did the time go? I guess fitzhappens.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Driven to tears...
It has been over a year and a half since I started on this journey. Friday I walked in the Local Relay for Life. I did it on my noon hour because my family has plans for the weekend. Last year I did the survivor lap with my boys and my mother.My little 4 year old boys held my hands as I did that walk. I was fighting back the tears the entire time.
Along comes this year's Relay for Life. Friday I walked an hour slot for a friend/survivor at work who had a booth and a team. As I started the walk my eyes began filling again with tears. There are signs along the walk with booths vowing to fight or wipe out cancer, the memorials and the 'in honor' of loved ones... and it brings all that emotion crashing back to me.
There are no visible signs of my cancer treatment this year. My hair is longer, the color is back in my face and I have eyebrows. Anyone meeting me on the street would not even know. Some days that is a huge comfort. I can be normal again. Other days, I want people to know what I have been through.
I wonder as a cancer survivor if I will ever get past the tears. But then again, maybe I don't want to? It keeps me grounded.
Along comes this year's Relay for Life. Friday I walked an hour slot for a friend/survivor at work who had a booth and a team. As I started the walk my eyes began filling again with tears. There are signs along the walk with booths vowing to fight or wipe out cancer, the memorials and the 'in honor' of loved ones... and it brings all that emotion crashing back to me.
There are no visible signs of my cancer treatment this year. My hair is longer, the color is back in my face and I have eyebrows. Anyone meeting me on the street would not even know. Some days that is a huge comfort. I can be normal again. Other days, I want people to know what I have been through.
I wonder as a cancer survivor if I will ever get past the tears. But then again, maybe I don't want to? It keeps me grounded.
Full Moon
Through out our lives Full Moons have had many different meanings. I think when I was growing up I probably never gave a full moon a second thought just enjoying how neat it looked up in the sky. As I neared adolescent I am sure the thoughts of vampires and werewolves must have crossed my mind.
As we become more aware of our world we share stories about people acting strangely on a full moon. Emergency rooms are filled to capacity, people do weird things and all of the weirdos are out. When everyone at work acted strangely for a few days one can almost guarantee that someone will say "must of been a full moon".
As humans we always want to explain away everything in life. That there is a reason and purpose for every event in our lives. Greek Mythology, religion, legends and myths. It is so intertwined in our culture, every culture on this planet.
The other night my dog Charlie started licking me around 2 a.m. in the morning. This is not a normal event. So I am sure that he had to go outside. I dragged myself out of bed and went down stairs. The back yard was lit up, like there was a flood light shining off the house. I looked up. It was the moon. It was awesome. As the dog was running around the back yard chasing whatever I couldn't help but enjoy that full moon. I wasn't worried about werewolves or crazy people, but just so full of awe at the sight. I almost wanted to wake up the family. I am sure they would have thought I was crazy.
A full moon on a clear night is truly amazing and beautiful. One of those things in life that if we are moving too fast we can miss. I try to enjoy things like this more often, for some reason, cancer or not, I have been stopping to look at the world around me. I don't want it to happen with out me anymore.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Catalog Season!
I received over 10 catalogs in the mail today! I love catalogs. I just love looking at each page, each piece of clothing, houseware, jewelry or toy! It is so much fun. The boys spent 1/2 hour taking turn looking at the latest toy catalog.
It is funny. Catalogs are part fantasy. We can picture ourselves as skinny svelte babes wearing the chic outfits on the glossy pages. I love just looking almost like going to an art gallery. Sometimes I just look, admire and gaze. I don't think guys get it.
My fetish goes like this, I paw through a catalog, fold down a page & circle what I want. I envision those who might buy me this or maybe get me a lovely gift certificate. Then I go back in a few days and look again. Then I will review my selections in a week or two.
Now, if I am still in love with my selection...I just might whip out the ole- American Express and treat myself! What the heck? Right? I had cancer damnit! Then again, maybe I wont. I still have a mortage to pay and groceries to buy!
Fitz goes shopping!
It is funny. Catalogs are part fantasy. We can picture ourselves as skinny svelte babes wearing the chic outfits on the glossy pages. I love just looking almost like going to an art gallery. Sometimes I just look, admire and gaze. I don't think guys get it.
My fetish goes like this, I paw through a catalog, fold down a page & circle what I want. I envision those who might buy me this or maybe get me a lovely gift certificate. Then I go back in a few days and look again. Then I will review my selections in a week or two.
Now, if I am still in love with my selection...I just might whip out the ole- American Express and treat myself! What the heck? Right? I had cancer damnit! Then again, maybe I wont. I still have a mortage to pay and groceries to buy!
Fitz goes shopping!
Monday, August 07, 2006
Reaching out
I have always been someone who has felt the need to reach out to others. Whatever the need is I have a strong desire to help people. I love to share my life experiences with others. I find that speaking with someone who has 'been there done that' always helps.
When I divorced, I found that my biggest comfort was a friend who was going through a similar breakup. We would talk daily, cry and share together. It was a wonderful healing experience. Whenever I learn of anyone going through a divorce, I try to share my wisdom, what helped me and what I did to move forward.
When I had 2 miscarriages I did not keep it to myself. I shared with others. It was amazing how many women stepped forward to share with me their stories. I even emailed a Jazzercise instructor friend who lived across the country who had recently m/c. We must of emailed for several months. She was such a big comfort. We both ended up carrying a successful pregnancy to term. Now, when I learn of a friend who has had a miscarriage I jump right in. I don't say stupid stuff like "it was meant to be' or "You can have another". When going through a miscarriage that is not what we want to hear.
I am probably one of those crazy people that others hate. I approach people in public. After having twins and having a horrible time the first three-five months I now find it my compelling duty to approach anyone with infant twins. I ask them how they are sleeping and eating. I offer my unsolicited advice (some I found out have taken) about how to get the sleep more and letting them know it gets easier. After I approached one couple in Home Depot, I had one father look at me and thank me after I was done. On the flip side, I have had some people look at me like I was intruding on their personal space. That always surprises me and it shouldn't. When ever some kind hearted person approached me and said, "I have twins too" and offered be a glimmer of hope that I wouldn't be so tired in a few months, it would make my day.
Now life has brought me a new way to reach out. After I had cancer and lost all of my hair, I know "the look" of cancer patients. I now have this need to go up to people (mainly women) who are bald with hats or scarves and share my story with them. Ask them how they are doing. Strangely enough, the results have not been as positive. I don't know why. If someone would have come up to me and said, Hey I see you are wearing a scarf. Are you gong through treatment? I just finished...I would have been thrilled. But no. No one approached me. A man called me yanky doodle dandy (red -white-blue scarf) and the grocery store check out lady shared with me that her mom had cancer (and died, thanks!). But other than that, not a soul ever approached me.
What is really strange is that in the oncology office, people don't talk too much to each other. I was forever starting up a conversation. My best friend usually sat with me and we both would ask questions and find out the life history of the person sitting next to me getting their infusion.
It was a little different in the radiation oncology department. I sat with mostly men (prostrate)and they were really friendly. We saw each other every day for weeks.
So, I still have this need to reach out to others. I am a member of a few online support boards, but that is not enough for me. I thought about starting my own support network calling it "First contact". To help the newly diagnosed. I have actually had half a dozen phone calls with women who have been recently diagnosed. What to do? Well, I decided to volunteer with the American Cancer Society's Reach for Recovery program. Hopefully, I can help others. Funny, I remember them coming to see my mother, but no one ever contacted me. They are so short on volunteers. I wonder why? Today, as I mail my volunteer form, I am making fitzhappen.
When I divorced, I found that my biggest comfort was a friend who was going through a similar breakup. We would talk daily, cry and share together. It was a wonderful healing experience. Whenever I learn of anyone going through a divorce, I try to share my wisdom, what helped me and what I did to move forward.
When I had 2 miscarriages I did not keep it to myself. I shared with others. It was amazing how many women stepped forward to share with me their stories. I even emailed a Jazzercise instructor friend who lived across the country who had recently m/c. We must of emailed for several months. She was such a big comfort. We both ended up carrying a successful pregnancy to term. Now, when I learn of a friend who has had a miscarriage I jump right in. I don't say stupid stuff like "it was meant to be' or "You can have another". When going through a miscarriage that is not what we want to hear.
I am probably one of those crazy people that others hate. I approach people in public. After having twins and having a horrible time the first three-five months I now find it my compelling duty to approach anyone with infant twins. I ask them how they are sleeping and eating. I offer my unsolicited advice (some I found out have taken) about how to get the sleep more and letting them know it gets easier. After I approached one couple in Home Depot, I had one father look at me and thank me after I was done. On the flip side, I have had some people look at me like I was intruding on their personal space. That always surprises me and it shouldn't. When ever some kind hearted person approached me and said, "I have twins too" and offered be a glimmer of hope that I wouldn't be so tired in a few months, it would make my day.
Now life has brought me a new way to reach out. After I had cancer and lost all of my hair, I know "the look" of cancer patients. I now have this need to go up to people (mainly women) who are bald with hats or scarves and share my story with them. Ask them how they are doing. Strangely enough, the results have not been as positive. I don't know why. If someone would have come up to me and said, Hey I see you are wearing a scarf. Are you gong through treatment? I just finished...I would have been thrilled. But no. No one approached me. A man called me yanky doodle dandy (red -white-blue scarf) and the grocery store check out lady shared with me that her mom had cancer (and died, thanks!). But other than that, not a soul ever approached me.
What is really strange is that in the oncology office, people don't talk too much to each other. I was forever starting up a conversation. My best friend usually sat with me and we both would ask questions and find out the life history of the person sitting next to me getting their infusion.
It was a little different in the radiation oncology department. I sat with mostly men (prostrate)and they were really friendly. We saw each other every day for weeks.
So, I still have this need to reach out to others. I am a member of a few online support boards, but that is not enough for me. I thought about starting my own support network calling it "First contact". To help the newly diagnosed. I have actually had half a dozen phone calls with women who have been recently diagnosed. What to do? Well, I decided to volunteer with the American Cancer Society's Reach for Recovery program. Hopefully, I can help others. Funny, I remember them coming to see my mother, but no one ever contacted me. They are so short on volunteers. I wonder why? Today, as I mail my volunteer form, I am making fitzhappen.
Friday, July 28, 2006
It is just not fair
Sometimes life is just not fair. I think I have written about this before. I think of all of the injustices around me, in my life, in my community, in the US and in the world.
Every morning I listen to NPR and find out what is going on in the world. I think of all the young men and women losing their lives in the middle east. My heart breaks for their families. Those they leave behind. I hear about the new elections in the Congo and wonder if they will truly see democracy. I hear about victims from tsunami's, hurricanes, earthquakes, war, genocide, disease and murder. Some days it is too much to bare. I have to take a break from the news.
I have several friends who have had tragedy in their lives. A friend who lost a child, the worst loss. Several friends who have lost their parents way too young. My husband lost both his father and brother at a young age. Friends who have suffered molestation while growing up. Friends who have been raped. Friends who have suffered depression. Friends who have been abused or live in abusive relationships. Friends who are battling life-altering and threatening illnesses. All these things happen to good people.
Why do these things happen? Do we bring them upon ourselves? No, I don't think so. What makes us keep going? What makes get out of bed every morning and carry on?
I will tell you what keeps us going. Life. Human spirit. Will power. The human spirit is an amazing thing. We can endure many unspeakable things, but still continue to persevere. Why? I don't know. We are resilient. Those of us who do survive these hardships do so because we have no other choice. We aren't brave or superhuman. We have choosen not to give up or give in. We are the true hero's in life.
I truly believe that the human spirit is strong and will live on long after our bodies retire.
Every morning I listen to NPR and find out what is going on in the world. I think of all the young men and women losing their lives in the middle east. My heart breaks for their families. Those they leave behind. I hear about the new elections in the Congo and wonder if they will truly see democracy. I hear about victims from tsunami's, hurricanes, earthquakes, war, genocide, disease and murder. Some days it is too much to bare. I have to take a break from the news.
I have several friends who have had tragedy in their lives. A friend who lost a child, the worst loss. Several friends who have lost their parents way too young. My husband lost both his father and brother at a young age. Friends who have suffered molestation while growing up. Friends who have been raped. Friends who have suffered depression. Friends who have been abused or live in abusive relationships. Friends who are battling life-altering and threatening illnesses. All these things happen to good people.
Why do these things happen? Do we bring them upon ourselves? No, I don't think so. What makes us keep going? What makes get out of bed every morning and carry on?
I will tell you what keeps us going. Life. Human spirit. Will power. The human spirit is an amazing thing. We can endure many unspeakable things, but still continue to persevere. Why? I don't know. We are resilient. Those of us who do survive these hardships do so because we have no other choice. We aren't brave or superhuman. We have choosen not to give up or give in. We are the true hero's in life.
I truly believe that the human spirit is strong and will live on long after our bodies retire.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
What not to Wear - Corporate Edition
Don't ask me why, but I get caught up in what people wear to work. I focus mostly on women. I think that how we dress is extremely important to how we are preceivied. I also feel that how we dress says a lot about who we are and how we feel about ourselves.
You may think this is shallow. I don't think so. I think it is one of those things that are 'unspoken'. Granted, many people can move ahead based on talent regardless of what they wear, but the rest where talent does not carry them head and shoulders above the rest I think it is very important.
I will see a talented young lady who will adhere to today's "Fashions". Tight shirts, layered, casual, and open toed heel shoes or worst flip flops (gasp!). The mother in me wants to have a talk with this lady and say...what are you thinking? You are not going to a party but a job.
Unfortunately it is not just the young ones. I see it creep up all over. I was in a meeting with a vendor. There were two gentleman and a lady. Both men either had on a suit or jacket. How was the woman dressed? She had on a top that was pretty but you could see her undergarments. The selves where capped, but minus well have been sleeveless. I thought her outfit took away from what she was saying. Am I shallow? or did the other men in the room feel the same way.
I work in a male dominated profession. I feel very strongly that we should dress as to not bring attention to any features that may be enhanced by clothes. (Bust, Butt or legs) I want others to focus on what I am saying not what I am wearing. Is that shallow? I don't think so. I think it is good sense.
I always feel one can never be overdressed. That we should always dress for the next level or position that we wish to achieve. I feel like I am a dying breed. That I am one of the last hold outs to dressing professionally in the corporate casual world.
What do I believe are the "What not to Wear" items ?;
You may think this is shallow. I don't think so. I think it is one of those things that are 'unspoken'. Granted, many people can move ahead based on talent regardless of what they wear, but the rest where talent does not carry them head and shoulders above the rest I think it is very important.
I will see a talented young lady who will adhere to today's "Fashions". Tight shirts, layered, casual, and open toed heel shoes or worst flip flops (gasp!). The mother in me wants to have a talk with this lady and say...what are you thinking? You are not going to a party but a job.
Unfortunately it is not just the young ones. I see it creep up all over. I was in a meeting with a vendor. There were two gentleman and a lady. Both men either had on a suit or jacket. How was the woman dressed? She had on a top that was pretty but you could see her undergarments. The selves where capped, but minus well have been sleeveless. I thought her outfit took away from what she was saying. Am I shallow? or did the other men in the room feel the same way.
I work in a male dominated profession. I feel very strongly that we should dress as to not bring attention to any features that may be enhanced by clothes. (Bust, Butt or legs) I want others to focus on what I am saying not what I am wearing. Is that shallow? I don't think so. I think it is good sense.
I always feel one can never be overdressed. That we should always dress for the next level or position that we wish to achieve. I feel like I am a dying breed. That I am one of the last hold outs to dressing professionally in the corporate casual world.
What do I believe are the "What not to Wear" items ?;
- Flip flops, open toe shoes, any heal over 2"
- any pant or skirt that shows a panty line
- showing any cleevage
- any skirt where if I was sitting across from you, the knees must always be together
- Clothes that are too tight (if you have to ask, then it is)
- Clothes that are wrinkled (looks like one pulled it out of the hamper)
- sleeveless shirt/sweaters, unless it is layered
- Any print or style that is too casual (fashion test, could I where this to the beach?)
- short tops showing your belly (or fat in most cases)
- jeans, untility pants, t-shirts, tight capris, gauchos, shorts
You make think this is a silly blog. Why am I so passionate about this issue? I don't really know. But it is fun to be part of the fashion police once in a while.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Mail Box Mouse
Last Friday I stopped at my mail box like I always do to gather the mail and when I opened the door, two little eyes were starring back at me! Holy crap, it was a mouse. He (or she), I am assuming it was a he, made a little nest in our mail box. We live in a rural area on a dirt road so this shouldn't be a total shock.
For some odd reason I found this wonderful, funny and it made me happy. How could a stupid mouse in a mail box make me happy? Well, it is the surprise of it all. The surprise that a mouse chose our mailbox to call his home. Surprised that he didn't eat my Pottery Barn Catalog. Surprised that the cat hasn't "offed" him as my cat takes great pride in stalking creatures around our home. I was excited to tell all who would listen. My boys were very excited. So much so, against my strongest wishes, reached in to move the mouse's nest. In doing so, the mouse jumped out of the mail box and ran! Picture 3 little boys and a dog trying to chase a mouse around with a butterfly net. Does life get any better?
This mouse must of had a strong will to make the mailbox his home. For some reason I had to check the mailbox every day to see if my new friend had come back. He had. He was all stretched out and enjoying his new home. I would think it would be a hot house. Any port in storm I guess. I think it is pretty neat that we have a mouse in our mail box and I am not going to disturb him unless he does start eating my mail.
I wonder what the mail person is going to think? Fitzhappens!
For some odd reason I found this wonderful, funny and it made me happy. How could a stupid mouse in a mail box make me happy? Well, it is the surprise of it all. The surprise that a mouse chose our mailbox to call his home. Surprised that he didn't eat my Pottery Barn Catalog. Surprised that the cat hasn't "offed" him as my cat takes great pride in stalking creatures around our home. I was excited to tell all who would listen. My boys were very excited. So much so, against my strongest wishes, reached in to move the mouse's nest. In doing so, the mouse jumped out of the mail box and ran! Picture 3 little boys and a dog trying to chase a mouse around with a butterfly net. Does life get any better?
This mouse must of had a strong will to make the mailbox his home. For some reason I had to check the mailbox every day to see if my new friend had come back. He had. He was all stretched out and enjoying his new home. I would think it would be a hot house. Any port in storm I guess. I think it is pretty neat that we have a mouse in our mail box and I am not going to disturb him unless he does start eating my mail.
I wonder what the mail person is going to think? Fitzhappens!
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Like a Hurricane
I have decided that Cancer is like a hurricane. Some storms are a category 1 or 2 and we make it through with very little damage. When the storms are 3,4, or 5 it beats us down. It may take years to rebuild or eventually destroy us. Sometimes we get a small reprieve in the eye of the hurricane which is called 'remission' or 'no evidence of disease'.
Having been diagnosed with BC I feel like I am a coastal city now. I carry on with my normal life watchful on the 'weather'. I try not to focus on it too much until I have a doctor appointment, blood test or scan. Once I get through an event, it is peaceful again.
There is no way to predict accurately how bad real hurricanes will be, it is the same with cancer. I have read too many stories where they thought they 'got it all' only to have it come back with a vengeance. But then again I have read stories where the outcome was expected to be dire, and the storm passed quickly with little damage.
For cancer survivors it is always Hurricane season.
Having been diagnosed with BC I feel like I am a coastal city now. I carry on with my normal life watchful on the 'weather'. I try not to focus on it too much until I have a doctor appointment, blood test or scan. Once I get through an event, it is peaceful again.
There is no way to predict accurately how bad real hurricanes will be, it is the same with cancer. I have read too many stories where they thought they 'got it all' only to have it come back with a vengeance. But then again I have read stories where the outcome was expected to be dire, and the storm passed quickly with little damage.
For cancer survivors it is always Hurricane season.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Frog catching
Guess what I did last Sunday? I went frog catching with my boys. Here I am in my forties and I am catching frogs. We had nets and a pond, we were good to go. What more could anyone want on a beautiful sunny Sunday Morning?
I was amazed how my little babies 'jumped' right into the spirit of the hunt. They stepped in mucky water and never blinked. If a frog was jumping around them they showed no fear. They scooped the frog up like it was power ranger toy. I was worried a few times that they were holding their new treasures a little to tight. I continue to tell them that they were just to look at and we will be letting them go after we showed their daddy and be gentle. I have great frog empathy.
We spent a good hour and a half at the frog pond. As I stood there watching them, I thought to myself, now this is what growing up is all about. Experiencing things, doing not watching. My only other random thought was...Where was my camera I am missing a great scrapbook moment!
I don't think I conscientiously tried to raise 'manly' boys, but they are sure turning out that way. They love creatures, bugs and slimly things of any kind. They have been begging me for pet lizzards. Give them a few worms and they will play for hours. They love to play in dirt, play with animals, superheroes, cowboys, Indians, cars, dinosaurs, the list continues to grow. Just yesterday I came home to find their toddler sand- box emptied and moved around the side of the house. They wanted to show their babysitter how 'strong' they were.
Once in a while I will catch them in a testosterone duel. They start breathing heavy, snorting and try to 'take' each other out. Picture two five year olds in a big time wrestling match. At first it starts out as play but I can tell that it turns quickly into more than that. I let it go on for a while. I think it is good to let it out of their systems.
Little boys have too much energy. For example, the current obsession is jumping off of things. My couch, chairs, stairs, swings and their beds! We actually had one get a 'goose egg' after landing incorrectly the other night. It was ugly. I am fearful of the day we take our first trip to get stitches...But then fitzhappens with little boys.
I was amazed how my little babies 'jumped' right into the spirit of the hunt. They stepped in mucky water and never blinked. If a frog was jumping around them they showed no fear. They scooped the frog up like it was power ranger toy. I was worried a few times that they were holding their new treasures a little to tight. I continue to tell them that they were just to look at and we will be letting them go after we showed their daddy and be gentle. I have great frog empathy.
We spent a good hour and a half at the frog pond. As I stood there watching them, I thought to myself, now this is what growing up is all about. Experiencing things, doing not watching. My only other random thought was...Where was my camera I am missing a great scrapbook moment!
I don't think I conscientiously tried to raise 'manly' boys, but they are sure turning out that way. They love creatures, bugs and slimly things of any kind. They have been begging me for pet lizzards. Give them a few worms and they will play for hours. They love to play in dirt, play with animals, superheroes, cowboys, Indians, cars, dinosaurs, the list continues to grow. Just yesterday I came home to find their toddler sand- box emptied and moved around the side of the house. They wanted to show their babysitter how 'strong' they were.
Once in a while I will catch them in a testosterone duel. They start breathing heavy, snorting and try to 'take' each other out. Picture two five year olds in a big time wrestling match. At first it starts out as play but I can tell that it turns quickly into more than that. I let it go on for a while. I think it is good to let it out of their systems.
Little boys have too much energy. For example, the current obsession is jumping off of things. My couch, chairs, stairs, swings and their beds! We actually had one get a 'goose egg' after landing incorrectly the other night. It was ugly. I am fearful of the day we take our first trip to get stitches...But then fitzhappens with little boys.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Moving on up
Wow, I can't believe I am done with treatments. I finished my last treatment of Herceptin, a recently approved drug to fight early stage breast cancer. I was in treatment with one chemo protocol or another for over 18 months. What a difference a year makes. My hair is back, and although the style isn't what I like, not a soul would know that I was bald a year ago. For the most part my energy is back.
I don't have to see my oncologist again for 3 whole months! That is the best news. I won't have to have blood drawn or poked with needles for another 3 months! Life is good when this is a major milestone.
They say that most cancers, if they are to reoccur, will happen in the first 2-5 years. I will hit my 2-year anniversary in December. I still have that 'fear' in the back of my mind and I don't think I will need to save for retirement. But then, I think to myself, maybe just maybe I will be one of the lucky ones who makes it. Who is in the 40% that lives past 5 years with out a recurrence. If I am really lucky, I will be in the new generation of survivors that even with a 'poor' prognosis, will be around to tell about it for in decades to come.
People always ask how I am doing, did they get it all, am I okay now. I know that they are caring and for the most part concerned. But for some reason, it bothers me and I don't know why.
My mom tells me that I will be around and has no fears that I wont be. Or least she has not shared them if she did. Most of my family and friends just assume that I am okay now. Only BC survivors really understand the fear of knowning this beast can rear its ugly head again. And that the second time is not the charm.
I don't have to see my oncologist again for 3 whole months! That is the best news. I won't have to have blood drawn or poked with needles for another 3 months! Life is good when this is a major milestone.
They say that most cancers, if they are to reoccur, will happen in the first 2-5 years. I will hit my 2-year anniversary in December. I still have that 'fear' in the back of my mind and I don't think I will need to save for retirement. But then, I think to myself, maybe just maybe I will be one of the lucky ones who makes it. Who is in the 40% that lives past 5 years with out a recurrence. If I am really lucky, I will be in the new generation of survivors that even with a 'poor' prognosis, will be around to tell about it for in decades to come.
People always ask how I am doing, did they get it all, am I okay now. I know that they are caring and for the most part concerned. But for some reason, it bothers me and I don't know why.
My mom tells me that I will be around and has no fears that I wont be. Or least she has not shared them if she did. Most of my family and friends just assume that I am okay now. Only BC survivors really understand the fear of knowning this beast can rear its ugly head again. And that the second time is not the charm.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Devastated...
There are few times in my life when I have been just devastated by news. Unfortunately, they are increasing in frequency. Is it because I am getting older? I know more people? My circle has widen? Or has my compassion increased?
The first time I was really devastated was when I miscarried at 9 weeks. It was terrible. It was my second one. I had hoped that the first one was a fluke, but when it happened again I was devastated.
The second time was 911. I couldn't fathom how this could happen. It was just a horrible day and so many lost their lives.
The third time was when dear friend of mine lost her 15-month old son.
The fourth time was when I learned that I had Breast Cancer.
Now..I am devastated every time I hear of a young women whose cancer is metastatic. Or someone who has died of Breast cancer. Why? Is it my own fears or is it because I know many of these women. I know what they are going through? I don't know.
I recently learned of one of my Online sisters is having a recurrence, maybe to her brain. I was utterly devastated. Sick to my stomach. Which I have felt 4 times before. My heart hurt.
I know that stuff happens, I just wish it wouldn't sometimes.
The first time I was really devastated was when I miscarried at 9 weeks. It was terrible. It was my second one. I had hoped that the first one was a fluke, but when it happened again I was devastated.
The second time was 911. I couldn't fathom how this could happen. It was just a horrible day and so many lost their lives.
The third time was when dear friend of mine lost her 15-month old son.
The fourth time was when I learned that I had Breast Cancer.
Now..I am devastated every time I hear of a young women whose cancer is metastatic. Or someone who has died of Breast cancer. Why? Is it my own fears or is it because I know many of these women. I know what they are going through? I don't know.
I recently learned of one of my Online sisters is having a recurrence, maybe to her brain. I was utterly devastated. Sick to my stomach. Which I have felt 4 times before. My heart hurt.
I know that stuff happens, I just wish it wouldn't sometimes.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Scorned by Love
One of my five year old sons came home excited from school last Friday. It seems a young lady in his class had decided that he was the 'one' for her. She made a point of telling all the other little boys that she only wanted him to sit by her, nobody else! They even discussed kissing!
As my son relayed this information to me, smiling from ear to ear, I said that I thought this girl was a little 'fast' for him. He didn't think so. I told him that there was no kissing in school. I don't need my boy getting into any harassment suits by age six.
All weekend long he talked of his new love, Lexis. Oh, she has long brown hair and he wrote a note to invite her over. He asked how to spell words, but when he asked how to spell the work Kiss, I had to put my foot down! No little hussie is going to kiss my baby. ;^)
My husband put up a new swing set this past weekend. My son explained that one swing seat was saved for his girlfriend. He went on and on how they could swing together. It was cute yet disturbing.
As my son was carrying on and on about his new girlfriend (I use that term sarcastically) my husband had a little father son talk with him. My husband told him not to get his hopes up that girls change their minds a lot. Okay, this cracked me up. Love-life advice to a five year old?
Sad but true, my son came home for school telling me that it was over with Lexis. She had thrown him over for another. Lucas. Secretly I was glad. I know evil mom. He didn't seem to bothered. I told him he was too young for girls. He said that he has his eye on another!
I never thought I would be this way, but I don't want my boys to like girls for a long long time. I want to be the center of their female universe for a while longer. Not in the Oedipus type of way, but just the queen for a little while longer.
It should be interesting how my 5 year old son grows into manhood. Will he be this 'into' girls when he gets older? He has 'loved' pretty girls now for 2 years! He always stares at young pretty girls in public. He even used to say out loud.."I love that girl". Guess what? The young girls loved it! When I mean young..teenagers to 20 year olds.
He already told me I need to grow my hair out long. I guess that starts young too. Maybe by the time he is 30 I will ready for him to have a girlfriend, who knows fitzhappens.
As my son relayed this information to me, smiling from ear to ear, I said that I thought this girl was a little 'fast' for him. He didn't think so. I told him that there was no kissing in school. I don't need my boy getting into any harassment suits by age six.
All weekend long he talked of his new love, Lexis. Oh, she has long brown hair and he wrote a note to invite her over. He asked how to spell words, but when he asked how to spell the work Kiss, I had to put my foot down! No little hussie is going to kiss my baby. ;^)
My husband put up a new swing set this past weekend. My son explained that one swing seat was saved for his girlfriend. He went on and on how they could swing together. It was cute yet disturbing.
As my son was carrying on and on about his new girlfriend (I use that term sarcastically) my husband had a little father son talk with him. My husband told him not to get his hopes up that girls change their minds a lot. Okay, this cracked me up. Love-life advice to a five year old?
Sad but true, my son came home for school telling me that it was over with Lexis. She had thrown him over for another. Lucas. Secretly I was glad. I know evil mom. He didn't seem to bothered. I told him he was too young for girls. He said that he has his eye on another!
I never thought I would be this way, but I don't want my boys to like girls for a long long time. I want to be the center of their female universe for a while longer. Not in the Oedipus type of way, but just the queen for a little while longer.
It should be interesting how my 5 year old son grows into manhood. Will he be this 'into' girls when he gets older? He has 'loved' pretty girls now for 2 years! He always stares at young pretty girls in public. He even used to say out loud.."I love that girl". Guess what? The young girls loved it! When I mean young..teenagers to 20 year olds.
He already told me I need to grow my hair out long. I guess that starts young too. Maybe by the time he is 30 I will ready for him to have a girlfriend, who knows fitzhappens.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
It always amazes me...
It always amazes me how spring comes...one day we see budding trees and brown grass, then the next day, the trees have leaves, flowers are blooming, and the grass is growing. I love it.
Last year at this time I was just coming out of chemo and I was just happy to be outside again. Even though I was bald as a cue-ball and wearing a scarf.
This year? I am enjoying every blossom, every leaf, and every day that it is warm, raining, or the air smells of worms! Some times I just want to stop and smell the tree blossoms. I wonder if everyone feels this way?
It is funny, I can't remember the last time I had a 'bad day'. From now on, a bad day is one that delivers bad news about my health. Anything else is okay. Spring tells me that life does go on, with or without us.
I thought to myself today that if I should become ill again, that I want my boys to know that life will go on without me. I want it to.
I hope I have many springs to come.
Last year at this time I was just coming out of chemo and I was just happy to be outside again. Even though I was bald as a cue-ball and wearing a scarf.
This year? I am enjoying every blossom, every leaf, and every day that it is warm, raining, or the air smells of worms! Some times I just want to stop and smell the tree blossoms. I wonder if everyone feels this way?
It is funny, I can't remember the last time I had a 'bad day'. From now on, a bad day is one that delivers bad news about my health. Anything else is okay. Spring tells me that life does go on, with or without us.
I thought to myself today that if I should become ill again, that I want my boys to know that life will go on without me. I want it to.
I hope I have many springs to come.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
What have we done??
Seriously, what have we done to the next generation? I am in my forties. The tail end of the so called baby boomers although I don't classify myself as a boomer. But some of the 35 and younger set really bugs me. They expect so much for so little.
So what am I talking about?
Example one...I was at the grocery store today. Needless to say we now have to load our own carts, take them to our cars and unload them, that is besides the point...I digressed..So something fell off the conveyor and it broke, so the cashier called 'customer service' and asked for a new one. This young gal comes walking up (slow) and grabs my item (scrubbing bubbles) and proceeds to get a new one. Mean time I am done checking out...I watch her walk all the way to produce and think, dang! This is going to take all day...So I ask the cashier to watch my fully loaded cart and I go to the bathroom. I come back, still no scrubbing bubbles and no girl. Two more people check out and the lane is closed!
Now I am not an impatient person, with all my waiting for doctors the past 18 months, I know how to wait, but this girl took over 10 minutes!!! I could have done so major power shopping during this time. It was like she didn't care?
Example two...The young men who work for me. They seem to expect to be highly compensated without the experience and education. Just because their job is hard and they do it well. Isn't that what we are paying them to do?
I remember working my hiney off, when I worked in a retirement home, retail, as a file clerk, a computer programmer, and so on...I always put in a full day and gave more. I rose up through the ranks. I never expected to rise to the top in a short time. I knew it took time and hard work.
I think the generation behind me expects too much to be given to them. I think their parents gave them too much. I worry that I might do that to my own boys. I see the next generation unable to think on their own, face adversity and perservere.
But then again, maybe the generation before me felt the same about our generation. I was living on my own by age 19, going to school full time and holding down a full time job. Oh well Fitz happens.
So what am I talking about?
Example one...I was at the grocery store today. Needless to say we now have to load our own carts, take them to our cars and unload them, that is besides the point...I digressed..So something fell off the conveyor and it broke, so the cashier called 'customer service' and asked for a new one. This young gal comes walking up (slow) and grabs my item (scrubbing bubbles) and proceeds to get a new one. Mean time I am done checking out...I watch her walk all the way to produce and think, dang! This is going to take all day...So I ask the cashier to watch my fully loaded cart and I go to the bathroom. I come back, still no scrubbing bubbles and no girl. Two more people check out and the lane is closed!
Now I am not an impatient person, with all my waiting for doctors the past 18 months, I know how to wait, but this girl took over 10 minutes!!! I could have done so major power shopping during this time. It was like she didn't care?
Example two...The young men who work for me. They seem to expect to be highly compensated without the experience and education. Just because their job is hard and they do it well. Isn't that what we are paying them to do?
I remember working my hiney off, when I worked in a retirement home, retail, as a file clerk, a computer programmer, and so on...I always put in a full day and gave more. I rose up through the ranks. I never expected to rise to the top in a short time. I knew it took time and hard work.
I think the generation behind me expects too much to be given to them. I think their parents gave them too much. I worry that I might do that to my own boys. I see the next generation unable to think on their own, face adversity and perservere.
But then again, maybe the generation before me felt the same about our generation. I was living on my own by age 19, going to school full time and holding down a full time job. Oh well Fitz happens.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Character
I once read that Character is what you do when no one is looking. I have always believed that. To the depth of my soul. I feel that I have good character. My ex husband, had horrible character. My husband now, has great character. That is why I married him. I had such a horrible experience with #1 putting other things first before me and his daughter and not 'doing what was right'. So when I started to date after my divorce, I was going to marry a man with character!
The other day I was in the parking ramp and was exiting to leave. I noticed an older woman wandering around. It was very obvious that she had misplaced her car. I had proceeded to leave, then looked in my rear view mirror. I could not leave the ramp unless I helped her. I parked my car again and got out.
I found her and ask her if I could help. When I got near to her tears had filled her eyes. I told her it was okay, that I had done this once, and we will find her car. I was in no hurry and not to worry. We wandered around a bit, and I offered to drive her around if we didn't find it soon. Finally, we found it. She was so relieved. She hugged me and said "thank you lady". I say no problem.
I was so happy I could help her. Being scared and alone and lost is no fun. I am so glad that I did stop. It was a blessing for me as much as it must of been to her. When ever I can do random acts of kindness I do. I hope I am remember for this for years to come...
The other day I was in the parking ramp and was exiting to leave. I noticed an older woman wandering around. It was very obvious that she had misplaced her car. I had proceeded to leave, then looked in my rear view mirror. I could not leave the ramp unless I helped her. I parked my car again and got out.
I found her and ask her if I could help. When I got near to her tears had filled her eyes. I told her it was okay, that I had done this once, and we will find her car. I was in no hurry and not to worry. We wandered around a bit, and I offered to drive her around if we didn't find it soon. Finally, we found it. She was so relieved. She hugged me and said "thank you lady". I say no problem.
I was so happy I could help her. Being scared and alone and lost is no fun. I am so glad that I did stop. It was a blessing for me as much as it must of been to her. When ever I can do random acts of kindness I do. I hope I am remember for this for years to come...
Sunday, April 02, 2006
That's okay...
My boys are 5. They play, they fight. Today I watched them chase and wrestle each other. One got a little too physical so the other bit him. The biter ran away..I had to chase him and chastise him. The bitee was screaming bloody murder. A few minutes later, tears drying up we went for a walk with the dog.
Son #1, "oh man...It is really bad", the skin was broken. Son #2 "OH let me see, oh I am sorry I did that", Son #1 "that is okay". Son #2 "yeah, but you were hurting my neck", Son #1 "Sorry about that".
It warms my heart that they are compassionate to each other. I wish the world was more like this. I think I am doing good raising them. =0)
Son #1, "oh man...It is really bad", the skin was broken. Son #2 "OH let me see, oh I am sorry I did that", Son #1 "that is okay". Son #2 "yeah, but you were hurting my neck", Son #1 "Sorry about that".
It warms my heart that they are compassionate to each other. I wish the world was more like this. I think I am doing good raising them. =0)
Friday, March 24, 2006
Hello my name is...
Hello my name is Fitz and I am a multitasker! There I said it. I am always doing two things at once. I can't help it. Why do I do this? I am on the phone at home, I start to clean...Or put away dishes, or fold clothes...At work, I will talk on the phone and answer emails or surf the net...
I was filling up my coffee cup this morning and at the same time I was screwing the top on my water bottle that I just filled. I thought to myself this morning why do I do this? When I eat I love to read magazines or read the paper. I watch TV and look at magazines. When I am a passenger in the car, I have to read. I scrapbook and watch TV. I don't even like using the bathroom without using the time to read something. Even if it is the back of a bottle of shampoo!!
Is this crazy? It is a good thing? Or should I be enjoying every task and every moment by itself? Maybe task through life more like a man. I wonder if I am missing something by being a multitasker? Maybe I could teach a course on how to do it? Maybe a new reality TV show! MULTITASK ME.
I will say that I get a ton done every night. But then again some days I feel like I am in a fog. Just as I am getting one task accomplished I see another one that I want to start.
Do you think there is a group called Multitaskers anonymous? Should I start one?
I could probably set something up while I make dinner tonight.
I was filling up my coffee cup this morning and at the same time I was screwing the top on my water bottle that I just filled. I thought to myself this morning why do I do this? When I eat I love to read magazines or read the paper. I watch TV and look at magazines. When I am a passenger in the car, I have to read. I scrapbook and watch TV. I don't even like using the bathroom without using the time to read something. Even if it is the back of a bottle of shampoo!!
Is this crazy? It is a good thing? Or should I be enjoying every task and every moment by itself? Maybe task through life more like a man. I wonder if I am missing something by being a multitasker? Maybe I could teach a course on how to do it? Maybe a new reality TV show! MULTITASK ME.
I will say that I get a ton done every night. But then again some days I feel like I am in a fog. Just as I am getting one task accomplished I see another one that I want to start.
Do you think there is a group called Multitaskers anonymous? Should I start one?
I could probably set something up while I make dinner tonight.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Wow. What a weekend..
I am amazed at what the mind and body can endure. After several weeks of worry and stress over my new pain, the flu for a week, and then a sinus infection, I was worn out. Bone Tired. I didn't realize how tired because I am one of those insane people that push and push myself.
Saturday morning E walked into the room announcing, with tears in his eyes, that the toilet was over flowing. Great. 6:30 a.m. and there is water all over the bathroom floor. I whipped some towels on the floor, tried to un clog it and gave up...I figured my husband could deal with it. I locked the door to prevent any other early risers from committing the same mistake!
I went back to sleep. I slept and slept. I sleep until 10 a.m. Bless my husband for letting me sleep in. I needed it. I must have been exhausted. It felt so wonderful. I got up and showered. By the time I got downstairs it was almost 11 a.m. The boys yelled, "Mom you slept the longest". "Are you sick Mom?" "Why are you sick". I said I was just tired.
I went shopping to one of my favorite stores, Target. Came home and scrapbooked and my Husband made dinner. I enjoyed a few good beers. Life was good. It takes so little to make me happy these days.
Saturday morning E walked into the room announcing, with tears in his eyes, that the toilet was over flowing. Great. 6:30 a.m. and there is water all over the bathroom floor. I whipped some towels on the floor, tried to un clog it and gave up...I figured my husband could deal with it. I locked the door to prevent any other early risers from committing the same mistake!
I went back to sleep. I slept and slept. I sleep until 10 a.m. Bless my husband for letting me sleep in. I needed it. I must have been exhausted. It felt so wonderful. I got up and showered. By the time I got downstairs it was almost 11 a.m. The boys yelled, "Mom you slept the longest". "Are you sick Mom?" "Why are you sick". I said I was just tired.
I went shopping to one of my favorite stores, Target. Came home and scrapbooked and my Husband made dinner. I enjoyed a few good beers. Life was good. It takes so little to make me happy these days.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
A day of stress....
So, I have been having been having this pain in my thigh and gluet area. It has lasted longer than 5 weeks. Not good if you have had cancer. I had to tell my oncologist. When we (oncologist and I) talked yesterday I teared up. He mentioned bone scan. That scared the crap out of me. You see, if the cancer spreads to the bone or other organs, that means the end. My life will be short. I won't see my boys graduate highschool, maybe not even elementary school. I asked my Oncologist to let me know the results as soon as he gets them.
Today, as I thought about my scan all I could think about were my boys. I am not afraid of dying. I just don't want to miss out on their lives. I don't want to miss one stinking minute of their lives. I cried a lot today. I know they will be okay with out me. They will thrive. But damn! they shouldn't have to face life with out their Momma.
So my best friend Kelly went with me for my scan. I had to have a die shot up 4 hours prior. I had to review my 'case' history with this person. Getting all the medical background before the scan. I hate that. Discussing my cancer. It seems so invasive. It sucks. I hate hospitals. I hate having to give my 'medical' info over and over. I felt the same way when I filled out forms that said how many pregnancies? How many live births?
I hate the magazines in the waiting room of these facilities. Either they are Time or Newsweek, or some other obscure magazine. Golf? Who the heck has cancer and golfs? And if they were fluff like People or the Star, maybe that would piss me off more? Seeing all the way-too-skinny gals that don't have a care in the world.
As I lay there during my scan, I prayed. I prayed all day. I just asked that I be given the strength to get through this, that I be given more time with my boys, and that what ever happens that I will have the courage to face it.
Has cancer made me more religious? I don't know... but maybe more spiritual. Because, there isn't much else when the fitz hits the fan.
Today, as I thought about my scan all I could think about were my boys. I am not afraid of dying. I just don't want to miss out on their lives. I don't want to miss one stinking minute of their lives. I cried a lot today. I know they will be okay with out me. They will thrive. But damn! they shouldn't have to face life with out their Momma.
So my best friend Kelly went with me for my scan. I had to have a die shot up 4 hours prior. I had to review my 'case' history with this person. Getting all the medical background before the scan. I hate that. Discussing my cancer. It seems so invasive. It sucks. I hate hospitals. I hate having to give my 'medical' info over and over. I felt the same way when I filled out forms that said how many pregnancies? How many live births?
I hate the magazines in the waiting room of these facilities. Either they are Time or Newsweek, or some other obscure magazine. Golf? Who the heck has cancer and golfs? And if they were fluff like People or the Star, maybe that would piss me off more? Seeing all the way-too-skinny gals that don't have a care in the world.
As I lay there during my scan, I prayed. I prayed all day. I just asked that I be given the strength to get through this, that I be given more time with my boys, and that what ever happens that I will have the courage to face it.
Has cancer made me more religious? I don't know... but maybe more spiritual. Because, there isn't much else when the fitz hits the fan.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
When did you get so big?
Sometimes I listen in on my son's conversations. I think to myself, now when did they grow up? Where did they learn that phrase? What happened to my toddlers that were late in talking, potty-training and still had a paci at age 3!
When they say things like "I am really serious about this", "I need some help over here", " Why do Aliens want to hurt people?" I just smile. I can't help it. It seems like it was overnight that they went from grunting out commands to speaking full sentences.
I also swell with pride everytime I see their name written in their own hand writting. It may not be perfect and missing a letter but they can write their name! When did that happen?
I was thinking to myself, will I get this emotional at every milestone? When they were little, I don't remember getting all that excited about a tooth. I remember I was excited when they started to crawl and then walk. What a thrill that was. I was pretty keyed up when they finally learned how to pedal a bike.
One day last year after coming home from work one of my boys came running up to me so excited...he had learned how to pump his legs while swinging. He was so excited and proud of himself. I had to go and watch. I was so excited for him too!
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we adults got this excited over simple stuff? like ridding a bike or pumping our legs while we were swinging? Being 5 is pretty cool.
When they say things like "I am really serious about this", "I need some help over here", " Why do Aliens want to hurt people?" I just smile. I can't help it. It seems like it was overnight that they went from grunting out commands to speaking full sentences.
I also swell with pride everytime I see their name written in their own hand writting. It may not be perfect and missing a letter but they can write their name! When did that happen?
I was thinking to myself, will I get this emotional at every milestone? When they were little, I don't remember getting all that excited about a tooth. I remember I was excited when they started to crawl and then walk. What a thrill that was. I was pretty keyed up when they finally learned how to pedal a bike.
One day last year after coming home from work one of my boys came running up to me so excited...he had learned how to pump his legs while swinging. He was so excited and proud of himself. I had to go and watch. I was so excited for him too!
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we adults got this excited over simple stuff? like ridding a bike or pumping our legs while we were swinging? Being 5 is pretty cool.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Time away from home
Something has happened to me since I began working again. I was home with my boys for over 2 1/2 years when I rejoined the work force. During that time I couldn't wait for a break from them. Granted, they were babies and toddlers..and a lot of work. I would try to snag a weekend away or night out as much as I could.
I have been back in the workforce for 3 years now. I hate being away from them longer than 8 hours. I find myself turning down offers to go out so that I don't have to be away from them for any lengthy period of time.
I went for an overnight last Saturday with a girlfriend. I really didn't want to go. I wanted to stay home with my boys. I was only gone 24 hours but missed them terribly. I couldn't wait to come home. They didn't seem to miss me as much, but they did tell me they loved me at different times during the day. My husband said that even the dog missed me and slept near the stairs waiting for me to come home.
It is nice being missed. It is great to be excited about coming home and seeing your children. I remember when my father worked two jobs and when he came home from work we were so happy to see him! I know people and family members who do not feel this way about their children. That makes me so sad and breaks my heart. I want to tell them how much they are missing with their kids and how much these little lives make me so happy. It also pains me that every day with my kids are worth more to me now, more than ever. A mother shouldn't have to have a wakeup call of a serious illness to value time with her children. Oh well, fitzhappens.
I have been back in the workforce for 3 years now. I hate being away from them longer than 8 hours. I find myself turning down offers to go out so that I don't have to be away from them for any lengthy period of time.
I went for an overnight last Saturday with a girlfriend. I really didn't want to go. I wanted to stay home with my boys. I was only gone 24 hours but missed them terribly. I couldn't wait to come home. They didn't seem to miss me as much, but they did tell me they loved me at different times during the day. My husband said that even the dog missed me and slept near the stairs waiting for me to come home.
It is nice being missed. It is great to be excited about coming home and seeing your children. I remember when my father worked two jobs and when he came home from work we were so happy to see him! I know people and family members who do not feel this way about their children. That makes me so sad and breaks my heart. I want to tell them how much they are missing with their kids and how much these little lives make me so happy. It also pains me that every day with my kids are worth more to me now, more than ever. A mother shouldn't have to have a wakeup call of a serious illness to value time with her children. Oh well, fitzhappens.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I love you more than the new Godzilla
My son Jimmy and I play this little game at bedtime. I tell him how much I love him, and smother him with hugs and kisses. I tell him "I love your more than anything" and he always replies "No, I love you more" and we continue on for a few mintues.
Sometimes we will say things like "I love you more than the dog" or "more than strawberry milk". The best one I heard was last night when he said "I love you more than the new Godzilla". Words to warm a mommy's heart.
It is funny, when my boys were little, my Joe was the affectionate one. Always wanted to be picked up and held. Jimmy never wanted me, he always wanted Daddy. Joey is more independent now, even though he was the last one to give up his paci, and doesn't seem to need Mommy as much, unless he is having a bad day. Jimmy on the other hand has been extremely affectionate and asks me to lay down with him every night. I used to like my time alone at night after the boys go to bed...but one day I said to myself, they aren't going to ask you forever to do this and soon they will be too big to have their mother lay down with them or worst..I might not be able to.
So I have made a promise to myself, that when my boys need extra mommy time they get it. Even if that means I am late to work or miss one of my favorite TV shows. There are some things in life that are too important to miss. Because we never know when fitzhappens!
Sometimes we will say things like "I love you more than the dog" or "more than strawberry milk". The best one I heard was last night when he said "I love you more than the new Godzilla". Words to warm a mommy's heart.
It is funny, when my boys were little, my Joe was the affectionate one. Always wanted to be picked up and held. Jimmy never wanted me, he always wanted Daddy. Joey is more independent now, even though he was the last one to give up his paci, and doesn't seem to need Mommy as much, unless he is having a bad day. Jimmy on the other hand has been extremely affectionate and asks me to lay down with him every night. I used to like my time alone at night after the boys go to bed...but one day I said to myself, they aren't going to ask you forever to do this and soon they will be too big to have their mother lay down with them or worst..I might not be able to.
So I have made a promise to myself, that when my boys need extra mommy time they get it. Even if that means I am late to work or miss one of my favorite TV shows. There are some things in life that are too important to miss. Because we never know when fitzhappens!
Monday, February 27, 2006
I heard the news today, oh boy...
Last week was an extremely hard week. It was full of sadness. One of my friends suffered a miscarriage. All those feelings of learning that the heartbeat had stopped and the pregnancy was no longer viable came rushing back. We talked a few times, I tried to comfort her as best as I could.
Secondly, I lost two of my online friends from my BC support group. They were both 40 and 41. Each left small children. Each seem to go very quickly. One of them I felt a special kinship to. She had the same original diagnosis as myself, was in computers, and shared a lot of the qualities I admire in a person. She touched so many. When word spread of her passing, we were all shocked and devasted. Many of us sent single pink roses to the funeral home. There must of been over 30 or more. I emailed her husband expressing my sadness and letting him know how much she had meant to myself and others. We had even planned on getting our families together this spring for a baseball game.
Although I had never met these women in real life, we chatted almost daily. Sharing our treatment plans, diagnosis, fears and joys. It is hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been part of a online internet group what these friendship come to mean. I also belong to a jazzercise board and a mother of twins board..which has really morphed into a friendship board and these women have been a big part of my life for over 5, almost 6 years. What happens to them affects me deeply. We have hard our hardtimes too.
I guess the boards represent life. The good and the bad. Sometimes life is hard and fitzhappens.
Secondly, I lost two of my online friends from my BC support group. They were both 40 and 41. Each left small children. Each seem to go very quickly. One of them I felt a special kinship to. She had the same original diagnosis as myself, was in computers, and shared a lot of the qualities I admire in a person. She touched so many. When word spread of her passing, we were all shocked and devasted. Many of us sent single pink roses to the funeral home. There must of been over 30 or more. I emailed her husband expressing my sadness and letting him know how much she had meant to myself and others. We had even planned on getting our families together this spring for a baseball game.
Although I had never met these women in real life, we chatted almost daily. Sharing our treatment plans, diagnosis, fears and joys. It is hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been part of a online internet group what these friendship come to mean. I also belong to a jazzercise board and a mother of twins board..which has really morphed into a friendship board and these women have been a big part of my life for over 5, almost 6 years. What happens to them affects me deeply. We have hard our hardtimes too.
I guess the boards represent life. The good and the bad. Sometimes life is hard and fitzhappens.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Fear
Fear is a four letter word. One that has way to much power then it should. It can stop one from living, from moving forward, or making a change.
I remember having a lot of fear when I was pregnant with my twin boys. I had two previous miscarriages and I was so fearful that something was going to happen with this one. When I learned it was twins, that sent my fear into overdrive. My sister, who sometimes has some very valuable wisdom, told me that that I needed to put fear in its place and not let it inhibit me from living. Easier said then done.
For the most part my fear has been under control until a year ago. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now I live in fear. Fear that it will return. Fear that I wont seen my boys grow into men. Fear I will die a painful death. I try not to let that beast out. But it does rear its ugly head. I hate it. It makes me angry. I wish I could move past it. I know I can. It is hard. But life is hard and fitzhappens.
I remember having a lot of fear when I was pregnant with my twin boys. I had two previous miscarriages and I was so fearful that something was going to happen with this one. When I learned it was twins, that sent my fear into overdrive. My sister, who sometimes has some very valuable wisdom, told me that that I needed to put fear in its place and not let it inhibit me from living. Easier said then done.
For the most part my fear has been under control until a year ago. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now I live in fear. Fear that it will return. Fear that I wont seen my boys grow into men. Fear I will die a painful death. I try not to let that beast out. But it does rear its ugly head. I hate it. It makes me angry. I wish I could move past it. I know I can. It is hard. But life is hard and fitzhappens.
Friday, February 17, 2006
What I have learned from cancer
Before I was diagnosed with cancer I worried about my weight, how I looked, opinions of others
I worried about stuff that matters so little to me now
I look back on my life and I realized
just how truly blessed I am
I knew I was strong,
But because of cancer
I discovered my deeper inner strength!
I thought I was beautiful
But because of cancer
I discovered my true inner beauty!
I thought I was a good person
But because of cancer
I discovered how truly good my friends are
I thought I was caring
But because of cancer
I discovered what true caring is all about!
I thought I listened
But because of cancer
I discovered what it means to listen with my heart!
I thought I saw the beauty that surrounds me
But because of cancer
I discovered just how beautiful my world is!
I thought I was alive
But because of cancer
I discovered what it means to embrace life!
I cried many tears…
Now it’s time for laughter
Since being diagnosed with cancer
I worried every day…
Now it’s time to surrender
Now it’s time to be a survivor
Now it’s time for me to start giving back
I learned a lot about myself…
Now it’s time to be that person
I worried about stuff that matters so little to me now
I look back on my life and I realized
just how truly blessed I am
I knew I was strong,
But because of cancer
I discovered my deeper inner strength!
I thought I was beautiful
But because of cancer
I discovered my true inner beauty!
I thought I was a good person
But because of cancer
I discovered how truly good my friends are
I thought I was caring
But because of cancer
I discovered what true caring is all about!
I thought I listened
But because of cancer
I discovered what it means to listen with my heart!
I thought I saw the beauty that surrounds me
But because of cancer
I discovered just how beautiful my world is!
I thought I was alive
But because of cancer
I discovered what it means to embrace life!
I cried many tears…
Now it’s time for laughter
Since being diagnosed with cancer
I worried every day…
Now it’s time to surrender
Now it’s time to be a survivor
Now it’s time for me to start giving back
I learned a lot about myself…
Now it’s time to be that person
Monday, February 13, 2006
Are Angels good guys or bad guys?
Some times I love ridding in cars with boys. My boys. On the way to the grocery store we had the most fascinating conversation. It was about Angels. At first I thought my son may be worried about dying or going to heaven. Little do I know what a 5 year old boy is thinking.
The conversation goes like this
"Mom are Angels good guys or bad guys?"
"They are good guys honey", I answer.
He proceeds.."Well, why are they naked?"
I say.. "Honey they are not naked they wear white robes"
"Well I might want to shoot one"
I replied, "OH NO, you don't want to do that! G*d would be angry, why do you want to shoot them?".
In a very serious voice he replied "Well then why do they shoot people with arrows?".......
Okay, I get it...CUPID stupid! He must have seen something about Cupid. I proceeded to tell my son that Cupid shoots love arrows and they make you feel good.
I love this age.
The conversation goes like this
"Mom are Angels good guys or bad guys?"
"They are good guys honey", I answer.
He proceeds.."Well, why are they naked?"
I say.. "Honey they are not naked they wear white robes"
"Well I might want to shoot one"
I replied, "OH NO, you don't want to do that! G*d would be angry, why do you want to shoot them?".
In a very serious voice he replied "Well then why do they shoot people with arrows?".......
Okay, I get it...CUPID stupid! He must have seen something about Cupid. I proceeded to tell my son that Cupid shoots love arrows and they make you feel good.
I love this age.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
fitz happens
fitz happens
I am extremely sad tonight. I have learned that another fellow breast cancer sister has learned that her cancer has spread. It makes me sad and mad. What bothers me the most is that like myself, if we leave this earth we leave our children behind. It seems so unfair. Breast cancer takes young mothers.
My biggest fear today is leaving my children motherless at a young age. When they need me most. They need me to kiss their owies, hug them, talk to them, tuck them in at night, read to them..maybe when they are older they wont need their momma so much, but right now, at the tender age of 5, they need me. I am not ready to go.
I have never felt so much love in my life then the love I have for my boys. I love them so much it hurts. I get excited when I come home from work, because I can't wait to see them. I love their bad breath, crying, and hugs. Every inch of them.
I don't want them to see me get sick. To see me dying. I want them to remember me as a wonderful mother and person. I am afraid that I won't be here for them. There are no guarantees in life. I hope that the time I have with my boys will help them grow to be wonderful friends, boyfriends, husbands, and most importantly fathers.
So if you read this blog, and you have your health and you have kids remember, there are many of us fighting to stay alive for our kids, don't waste a single moment of time you have, it goes too darn fast.
I am extremely sad tonight. I have learned that another fellow breast cancer sister has learned that her cancer has spread. It makes me sad and mad. What bothers me the most is that like myself, if we leave this earth we leave our children behind. It seems so unfair. Breast cancer takes young mothers.
My biggest fear today is leaving my children motherless at a young age. When they need me most. They need me to kiss their owies, hug them, talk to them, tuck them in at night, read to them..maybe when they are older they wont need their momma so much, but right now, at the tender age of 5, they need me. I am not ready to go.
I have never felt so much love in my life then the love I have for my boys. I love them so much it hurts. I get excited when I come home from work, because I can't wait to see them. I love their bad breath, crying, and hugs. Every inch of them.
I don't want them to see me get sick. To see me dying. I want them to remember me as a wonderful mother and person. I am afraid that I won't be here for them. There are no guarantees in life. I hope that the time I have with my boys will help them grow to be wonderful friends, boyfriends, husbands, and most importantly fathers.
So if you read this blog, and you have your health and you have kids remember, there are many of us fighting to stay alive for our kids, don't waste a single moment of time you have, it goes too darn fast.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Planning one's own funeral
fitz happens: February 2006
Do you think it is morbid to write one’s own obit and plan out her funeral?
All my family and friends will probably chuckle at this one then get really uncomfortable. It was my life, so what not control it to the end?
So, what do I plan to say? Well here is what I have so far;
Last Name, (maidden name), Janis Mary, age xx, passed away on (insert date here) after trying to kick cancer’s butt for xx years! Janis had a wonderful sense of humor, was kind, and compassionate person. She graduated from HS and University. She spent 16 years working at the Bank in the IT department and then finished her career for an Insurance Company. Janis enjoyed a side career and touched others when she was a Jazzercise instructor for 11 years.
Janis leaves behind the loves of her life, her twin sons, J and J who brought joy to every moment of her life. Her husband S, a rock during her illness, special nephew and son E, step-daugther A blah blah (list family here) and some very special friends Kelly who was at her side through it all, Sarah D’ who provided daily cyber support, Terri , and countless other friends.
It is Janis’ wish that her life be celebrated instead of mourned. Janis found tremendous support on the internet with her illness and wishes that any contributions be made to www.breastcancer.org.
Not that I am planning on dying anytime soon. I would like to live a good long life and be around for as long as possible for my family. I also have a few songs picked out, (okay, you can stop laughing now).
Here are some of the tunes I think would be fitting for my funeral;
Spiritual ones:
On Eagles Wings
You are Near ( Yaweh, I know you are near)
Contemporary:
Can’t find my Way home (by Blind Faith)
Come down off your throne and leave your body alone.
Somebody must change.
You are the reason I've been waiting so long.
Somebody holds the key.
But I'm near the end and I just ain't got the time
And I'm wasted and I can't find my way home.
Come down on your own and leave your body alone.
Somebody must change.
You are the reason I've been waiting all these years.
Somebody holds the key.
But I can't find my way home.
But I can't find my way home.
But I can't find my way home.
But I can't find my way home.
Still I can't find my way home,
And I ain't done nothing wrong,
But I can't find my way home.
Together Again ( by Janet Jackson)
Everywhere I go
Every smile I see
I know you are there
Smilin' back at me
Dancin' in moonlight
I know you are free
I can see your star
Shinin' down on me
Solsbury Hill (by Pete Gabriel)
Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
[I] just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom boom boom
"Son," he said "Grab your things,
I've come to take you home."
Do you think it is morbid to write one’s own obit and plan out her funeral?
All my family and friends will probably chuckle at this one then get really uncomfortable. It was my life, so what not control it to the end?
So, what do I plan to say? Well here is what I have so far;
Last Name, (maidden name), Janis Mary, age xx, passed away on (insert date here) after trying to kick cancer’s butt for xx years! Janis had a wonderful sense of humor, was kind, and compassionate person. She graduated from HS and University. She spent 16 years working at the Bank in the IT department and then finished her career for an Insurance Company. Janis enjoyed a side career and touched others when she was a Jazzercise instructor for 11 years.
Janis leaves behind the loves of her life, her twin sons, J and J who brought joy to every moment of her life. Her husband S, a rock during her illness, special nephew and son E, step-daugther A blah blah (list family here) and some very special friends Kelly who was at her side through it all, Sarah D’ who provided daily cyber support, Terri , and countless other friends.
It is Janis’ wish that her life be celebrated instead of mourned. Janis found tremendous support on the internet with her illness and wishes that any contributions be made to www.breastcancer.org.
Not that I am planning on dying anytime soon. I would like to live a good long life and be around for as long as possible for my family. I also have a few songs picked out, (okay, you can stop laughing now).
Here are some of the tunes I think would be fitting for my funeral;
Spiritual ones:
On Eagles Wings
You are Near ( Yaweh, I know you are near)
Contemporary:
Can’t find my Way home (by Blind Faith)
Come down off your throne and leave your body alone.
Somebody must change.
You are the reason I've been waiting so long.
Somebody holds the key.
But I'm near the end and I just ain't got the time
And I'm wasted and I can't find my way home.
Come down on your own and leave your body alone.
Somebody must change.
You are the reason I've been waiting all these years.
Somebody holds the key.
But I can't find my way home.
But I can't find my way home.
But I can't find my way home.
But I can't find my way home.
Still I can't find my way home,
And I ain't done nothing wrong,
But I can't find my way home.
Together Again ( by Janet Jackson)
Everywhere I go
Every smile I see
I know you are there
Smilin' back at me
Dancin' in moonlight
I know you are free
I can see your star
Shinin' down on me
Solsbury Hill (by Pete Gabriel)
Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
[I] just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom boom boom
"Son," he said "Grab your things,
I've come to take you home."
Monday, February 06, 2006
Someone you know has cancer..
I found this at another site and I feel that it is a wonderful thing to share;
Sometimes you feel other people's pain worse than your own. We're armored against our own troubles. We can't afford to give in to despair. Then you see someone else struggling, and it breaks your... heart.
Sean Stewart, Perfect Circle, 2004
What do you say when you learn that someone you care about has cancer? What do you do? Is there any “right” way or “wrong” way to
respond to the news?
Most cancer survivors we’ve talked with have stories to tell of comments and gestures made by friends and family members, some of which were hurtful and some of which were helpful. Based on those survivors’ stories as well as our own experiences, we offer the following "do's" and “don’t’s”. First the "don't's":
1. The worst thing you can say or do is to say or do nothing at all. Almost every survivor we’ve ever spoken with can tell of at least one person who, upon hearing the news, disappeared and was never heard from again. Maybe the fact that your friend or loved one has cancer is the worst news you’ve ever heard and you can’t stand the thought of him being this sick. You don’t know what to say or do, and it’s too painful to see him without hair, and the house smells like a hospital, and, well, it’s all so just so scary. We don’t mean to be harsh here, but this really isn’t about you. Stick around, please. Your loving presence alone can be the healing salve for a wounded, frightened spirit.
2. We know you mean well when you say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle,” but we wish you would listen to the implications in that comment and refrain from using it. It implies that God gave us cancer which inference often leads newly diagnosed patients to wonder if God is punishing them for something they did or failed to do, and that's the last thing we need to be worrying about right now.
To clean up a popular phrase, stuff happens. People get cancer (1 in 3, in fact). People get lots of other awful diseases, too. Babies are born with defects. Long-distance runners have heart attacks. Brave men and women go to war and get killed. Supermen fall from horses, and maniacs fly airplanes into buildings. And, yes, many people do get more than they can handle as evidenced by suicide rates. We don’t mean to step on anyone’s religion here, but we refuse to believe God is the one causing all this
mayhem, destruction and chaos.
Conversely, we believe God grieves with us when these things happen, and He is there for us and with us in the treatment room, in the delivery room, on the racecourse, on the battlefield, in the emergency room, on the airplane and inside its target. Instead of telling us that God gave us cancer, tell us that God will be with us
every step of the way.
3. Don’t predict the future. Acknowledge the seriousness of the diagnosis without being morbid (Oh, my God! My aunt had the very same thing and she died 8 months later!”) and without being unrealistic (“You’ll probably outlive me. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow!”). We don’t know what’s going to happen to us, and neither do you. Tell us happy stories of other long-term cancer survivors (but refrain from saying someone had “the very same thing”; no two cancer diagnoses are ever the same).
Never, ever tell us stories with unhappy endings.
Now for the “do’s”:
1.Things to say: “I’m here for you.” “You can cry with me.” “I love you.” “I won’t leave you.” “Whatever you’re feeling is okay.”
Just be there. Follow our lead. We’ll let you know if we want to “talk about it,” and if we do, please let us. Don’t change the subject. When you don’t allow us to talk about our disease, it makes us feel alone and isolated.
2.Things to do: Take my kids out for pizza and a movie or, better yet, for the weekend. Offer to pick up prescriptions, take the dog to the groomer and run other errands. Clip cartoons and funny pictures and send them in a card. Bring thoughtful gifts (a book or magazine, a tabletop fountain, a meditation tape or CD); avoid things with strong smells (bath sets, flowers, food, etc.) until you know how I'm reacting to my treatments.
A special message for doctors and other medical professionals: We know there are no guarantees, but you can give us hope. Your patients ask you for hope in different ways. Some are subtle, and some are screaming. Remember that where there is life, there is hope, and remind us of that. Instead of just saying, “You have cancer, and it’s very serious,” say, “You have cancer. It’s very serious, but once you get past the shock of this diagnosis, you are going to discover what a strong, resilient person you are. That strength and resilience partnered with our staff’s knowledge, skill and experience are going to form a powerful team to fight this disease. We’re going to do this together.”
Sometimes you feel other people's pain worse than your own. We're armored against our own troubles. We can't afford to give in to despair. Then you see someone else struggling, and it breaks your... heart.
Sean Stewart, Perfect Circle, 2004
What do you say when you learn that someone you care about has cancer? What do you do? Is there any “right” way or “wrong” way to
respond to the news?
Most cancer survivors we’ve talked with have stories to tell of comments and gestures made by friends and family members, some of which were hurtful and some of which were helpful. Based on those survivors’ stories as well as our own experiences, we offer the following "do's" and “don’t’s”. First the "don't's":
1. The worst thing you can say or do is to say or do nothing at all. Almost every survivor we’ve ever spoken with can tell of at least one person who, upon hearing the news, disappeared and was never heard from again. Maybe the fact that your friend or loved one has cancer is the worst news you’ve ever heard and you can’t stand the thought of him being this sick. You don’t know what to say or do, and it’s too painful to see him without hair, and the house smells like a hospital, and, well, it’s all so just so scary. We don’t mean to be harsh here, but this really isn’t about you. Stick around, please. Your loving presence alone can be the healing salve for a wounded, frightened spirit.
2. We know you mean well when you say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle,” but we wish you would listen to the implications in that comment and refrain from using it. It implies that God gave us cancer which inference often leads newly diagnosed patients to wonder if God is punishing them for something they did or failed to do, and that's the last thing we need to be worrying about right now.
To clean up a popular phrase, stuff happens. People get cancer (1 in 3, in fact). People get lots of other awful diseases, too. Babies are born with defects. Long-distance runners have heart attacks. Brave men and women go to war and get killed. Supermen fall from horses, and maniacs fly airplanes into buildings. And, yes, many people do get more than they can handle as evidenced by suicide rates. We don’t mean to step on anyone’s religion here, but we refuse to believe God is the one causing all this
mayhem, destruction and chaos.
Conversely, we believe God grieves with us when these things happen, and He is there for us and with us in the treatment room, in the delivery room, on the racecourse, on the battlefield, in the emergency room, on the airplane and inside its target. Instead of telling us that God gave us cancer, tell us that God will be with us
every step of the way.
3. Don’t predict the future. Acknowledge the seriousness of the diagnosis without being morbid (Oh, my God! My aunt had the very same thing and she died 8 months later!”) and without being unrealistic (“You’ll probably outlive me. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow!”). We don’t know what’s going to happen to us, and neither do you. Tell us happy stories of other long-term cancer survivors (but refrain from saying someone had “the very same thing”; no two cancer diagnoses are ever the same).
Never, ever tell us stories with unhappy endings.
Now for the “do’s”:
1.Things to say: “I’m here for you.” “You can cry with me.” “I love you.” “I won’t leave you.” “Whatever you’re feeling is okay.”
Just be there. Follow our lead. We’ll let you know if we want to “talk about it,” and if we do, please let us. Don’t change the subject. When you don’t allow us to talk about our disease, it makes us feel alone and isolated.
2.Things to do: Take my kids out for pizza and a movie or, better yet, for the weekend. Offer to pick up prescriptions, take the dog to the groomer and run other errands. Clip cartoons and funny pictures and send them in a card. Bring thoughtful gifts (a book or magazine, a tabletop fountain, a meditation tape or CD); avoid things with strong smells (bath sets, flowers, food, etc.) until you know how I'm reacting to my treatments.
A special message for doctors and other medical professionals: We know there are no guarantees, but you can give us hope. Your patients ask you for hope in different ways. Some are subtle, and some are screaming. Remember that where there is life, there is hope, and remind us of that. Instead of just saying, “You have cancer, and it’s very serious,” say, “You have cancer. It’s very serious, but once you get past the shock of this diagnosis, you are going to discover what a strong, resilient person you are. That strength and resilience partnered with our staff’s knowledge, skill and experience are going to form a powerful team to fight this disease. We’re going to do this together.”
Why me?
There are times in our lives where we think, why me? I used to be this way. I married in my twenties, picked a 'bad boy' of sorts who liked to party, wasn't good with money, and didn't really value family. My marriage was a very lonely one. I used to wonder why me? But I made that choice. I made the choice to marry someone whose values did not meet my own. I learned from that one.
Fast forward a few years, I divorced and remarried a wonderful compassionate man. Since we were both in our 30's we didn't want to waste anytime having babies so we wanted to get pregnant within a year after we were married. On our first try out I got pregnant! 5 weeks later I miscarried. A few months later, I got pregnant again. On the 'second' try. 9 weeks later I miscarried. Why me? I was devastated. My husband had a niece who was 19 at the time, not married, hooked up with a bum, and she keeps her pregnancy and I lose two? (not to mention the fact that I am now taking care of that child). Why did I have to miscarry?
Two years later I gave birth to boy twins! Why me? Oh the blessing of twins, but this time the 'why me' was a good one!!
Unfortunately, shortly after their birth I slipped into post partum depression. I didn't want to get up in the morning. Why me? Why was I so tired and cried all the time? Why was this so hard. Thank goodness I reached out for help. My mother helped take care of the babies so I could sleep and I went on mild anxiety meds. I came out of my fog.
Shortly after the birth of my twins, my company was sold out and I lost my job a few months later. I loved my job with the bank as a project manager. At first I was excited about being a stay at home mother. But as the days drone on, the unemployment ended I was bored. I adored my boys,didn't mind keeping 'house', taught Jazzercise and even Yoga. But funny thing was I wasn't happy. Why me? why does everything have to be so stinkin' hard!
Then in December of 2004, just when I thought things were going great; I had a new house, a great job, wonderful kids. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I never once said "Why me". Because I know now that 'sh*t happens' or can I say now 'fitz happens'?
Fast forward a few years, I divorced and remarried a wonderful compassionate man. Since we were both in our 30's we didn't want to waste anytime having babies so we wanted to get pregnant within a year after we were married. On our first try out I got pregnant! 5 weeks later I miscarried. A few months later, I got pregnant again. On the 'second' try. 9 weeks later I miscarried. Why me? I was devastated. My husband had a niece who was 19 at the time, not married, hooked up with a bum, and she keeps her pregnancy and I lose two? (not to mention the fact that I am now taking care of that child). Why did I have to miscarry?
Two years later I gave birth to boy twins! Why me? Oh the blessing of twins, but this time the 'why me' was a good one!!
Unfortunately, shortly after their birth I slipped into post partum depression. I didn't want to get up in the morning. Why me? Why was I so tired and cried all the time? Why was this so hard. Thank goodness I reached out for help. My mother helped take care of the babies so I could sleep and I went on mild anxiety meds. I came out of my fog.
Shortly after the birth of my twins, my company was sold out and I lost my job a few months later. I loved my job with the bank as a project manager. At first I was excited about being a stay at home mother. But as the days drone on, the unemployment ended I was bored. I adored my boys,didn't mind keeping 'house', taught Jazzercise and even Yoga. But funny thing was I wasn't happy. Why me? why does everything have to be so stinkin' hard!
Then in December of 2004, just when I thought things were going great; I had a new house, a great job, wonderful kids. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I never once said "Why me". Because I know now that 'sh*t happens' or can I say now 'fitz happens'?
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