A day of stress....

So, I have been having been having this pain in my thigh and gluet area. It has lasted longer than 5 weeks. Not good if you have had cancer. I had to tell my oncologist. When we (oncologist and I) talked yesterday I teared up. He mentioned bone scan. That scared the crap out of me. You see, if the cancer spreads to the bone or other organs, that means the end. My life will be short. I won't see my boys graduate highschool, maybe not even elementary school. I asked my Oncologist to let me know the results as soon as he gets them.

Today, as I thought about my scan all I could think about were my boys. I am not afraid of dying. I just don't want to miss out on their lives. I don't want to miss one stinking minute of their lives. I cried a lot today. I know they will be okay with out me. They will thrive. But damn! they shouldn't have to face life with out their Momma.

So my best friend Kelly went with me for my scan. I had to have a die shot up 4 hours prior. I had to review my 'case' history with this person. Getting all the medical background before the scan. I hate that. Discussing my cancer. It seems so invasive. It sucks. I hate hospitals. I hate having to give my 'medical' info over and over. I felt the same way when I filled out forms that said how many pregnancies? How many live births?

I hate the magazines in the waiting room of these facilities. Either they are Time or Newsweek, or some other obscure magazine. Golf? Who the heck has cancer and golfs? And if they were fluff like People or the Star, maybe that would piss me off more? Seeing all the way-too-skinny gals that don't have a care in the world.

As I lay there during my scan, I prayed. I prayed all day. I just asked that I be given the strength to get through this, that I be given more time with my boys, and that what ever happens that I will have the courage to face it.

Has cancer made me more religious? I don't know... but maybe more spiritual. Because, there isn't much else when the fitz hits the fan.