There are many odd questions that one gets asked once they have been diagnosed with cancer. People at work, family and friends. I know they don't know what to say. What to ask. But the questions I receive are hard.
"So did they get it all?". I wish I knew. But the truth is they just don't know. Cancer cells can be so small they can go undetected. After all my treatments I could present with metastic disease at anytime.
"So how are you anyways?" Compared to what? My life before cancer or after? I am okay. I hurt everyday. My muscles are so out of wack it hurts when I wake and exercise. Then that leads to fear. Is that pain really muscle ache or cancer coming back? I am afraid I will have a recurrence. I am afraid I will die from this damn disease and it won't be an easy ride.
"What is your prognosis?" Can you believe someone asked me that? Maybe it doesn't seem personal to the non-cancer patient, but to me I felt very violated. You see, my prognosis is not great. It isn't totally bad, but the odds are not what I would like.
"You know we could all die at any time." Oh yes, that infamous bus that could strike me down at anytime. Screw that! Listen, until you get cancer or some other life altering illness you will ignore your own mortality. I know,I did. I don't anymore. Everything I do and say and feel I have thoughts of my mortality lingering in the back of my mind. I try not to let it control my life. But it is a struggle.
I am conflicted on remembering the past. Why? I have the opportunity to see an old apartment that I lived for a few years. Back in my post-college years. I was so young and innocent. I want to go, but I am afraid. Afraid of remembering my past. The innocence of life before cancer.
Well, for the most part when folks ask me "how am I" or "did they get it all"..I smile and say "so far so good" and "I hope so". That is all I can hope for and hope that fitz does not happen!
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3 comments:
Janis,
I am so sorry that you got this disease, I am so sorry for everything you have been through. I wish I could change this for you but I can't. I feel bad that these questions hurt you, can you try to understand the other persons perspective. More then likey they aren't cancer survivors (like me) but I really think they are innocent in their questions. They want to know really how you are, they want/pray/hope that you are cancer riden for the future just maybe they don't exactly say it in the correct manner. They want to see the best for you (I know I do). Again sorry these upset you but I don't think that is the intention.
You are so strong, and I so admire you for that quality.
Love ya, Katie
Ah, the joy of well-meaning comments. I know just how difficult they were during my struggles with infertility, and I can imagine they're even worse when you're talking about a potentially deadly disease. When we were struggling through infertility, I remember how desperately I wanted to slug the cheery folk who would make asinine comments to us like "Oh, you can always adopt!" or "I just KNOW it's going to work for you." (Don't even get me started one the "Just think *positive*" brigade -- arrrrrgh!!!!!!)
No, of course most people don't mean any harm, but that doesn't mean the things they say don't hurt, or at the very least make you gasp with the inappropriateness of them. I remember once when the boys were babies we were at church, and there was an older man visiting with his wife. As we headed out to coffee hour, we started chatting, and he was asking some questions about the pg and the babies. The next thing I knew he was asking me whether we'd been able to deliver them "naturally"?!?!!! Um, something of a personal question for a total stranger!! :0
Of course people want to ask about your health, but it IS a personal issue. And when they're asking about your prognosis, they're asking about your very life, so it doesn't really GET more personal than that.
I didn't realize that you were still hurting every day, and I'm sorry you have to go through that. And I'm sorry you have to live with this cloud of fear lurking nearby, waiting to rain on you in moments of weakness. (((HUGS)))
I wish you a sunny, pain-free day, with no well-meaning nitwits within your earshot -- and many more days and years like it.
Giz. :)
Hi Janis,
Hope you don't mind my commenting on your blog. I found you by way of a BC message board.
I find that most commenly, acquaintances look me in the eye and move in real close and ask "how are you feeling...(pause)...really?".
gack. I know they mean well, but what am I supposed to say? I generally tell them what they want to hear. Fine...good, good. But really, I tell most people sofarsogood.
(I'm a year and a half out, give or take...fyi)
You have a great attitude. I'd like to volunteer, too. My excuse is that I don't have the time. I hope to make time someday....
cheers!
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