I am sure we have all heard these words uttered by our former President Franklin D. Roosevelt. Americans at that time must have felt that they had been sucker punched. In my life I felt the same way on September 11Th, 2001. A day that was like no other that I had experienced. So many lost their lives on both days. Heart breaking.
I don't hold a lot of dates near and dear. I remember my immediate family's birthdays, my anniversary (no one else), the due date of my twins, and a few birthdays of a friend or two. Date s and anniversaries are not really that important to me. I don't make a big fuss over my birthday or anniversary. It is just a day.
However, there is one date that has stuck with me. Sadly, it was the tragic day a good friend of mine lost her baby James. The bottom fell out of her world that day. My heart broke in a million pieces for her and her family that day. Of all the events that have happened in my life, this one changed me. This is the only one that I wish I could change. I wouldn't even change my own cancer diagnosis if I could change that day.
I was never fortunate to meet James. But I grew to love him through the stories and pictures from his mother. You see, James and his brother were born on the same day as my boys. They are the same age. After James became an Angel I grieved every time I looked at my boys. It hurt. I felt guilty. Why him? A loss of a child is the worst loss.
This little boy lives on in the memories and hearts of many. Some he met and others that were like me. A few children have been named after him, memorials made and prayers given. I hate that terrible day in January. I am sure James' family does too. With time the date will be less significant. But for now, it will live on in infamy for me. AWA
Friday, January 05, 2007
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
The end of an Era
The other day marked the end of an Era for me. My first internet chat board is shutting down. It is my Jazzercise board. Originally named www.physcial.com.
I found this board at a time in my life where I needed it most. I had just gone out on my own as a solo instructor. There were no other instructors in the immediate area for me to lean on. It was just me. I remember being so nervous the first time I posted. I remember that my typing and spelling mistakes were quickly pointed out to me. I also remember what internet 'short cuts' were. FYI, BTDT, TFS, LOL, and so many more!
The board provided me a sounding board to bounce ideas off of, special friendship, giving and receiving advice and new ideas. I truly feel that it contributed to my success as a Jazzercise instructor. I use to visit the site every day. I found wonderful support when I married, suffered miscarriages and then the birth of my babies. It was also fun to share the latest Jazzergossip or complain about the ups and downs of teaching Jazzercise. This internet chat board or "Chatters" as we were once called, started a new chapter in my life. Internet friendships.
When I was pregnant with my twins, I found a support board called "pregnant with multiples" where I met some of the best friends of my life. I have been friends with many of these ladies for over 6 years. We have shared good times and bad. They to were there with support, advice, and comfort in raising twins! I consider many of these ladies near and dear to me. Most people can't fathom having an 'online' community of friends. Many of them were there for me in one of my darkest hours showering me with support and friendship. I felt them rally around me as I fought the new enemy.
When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I went to the internet again and found another support group. Much different than the first two, yet the same. A common thread brought us together. Cancer. This time it was different. I was bold, had learned all the etiquette of internet chat and felt comfortable posting among strangers. They didn't stay strangers for long. I have met some really great ladies. I have lost friends too, that have died from Breast Cancer. It is strange to belong to a group where people come and go for various reasons, drop in because they are scared and don't know where to turn.
We hear a lot about support groups and how important they are for people. I think it is the social aspect. Because our communities are more spread out and we don't socialize on an intimate level with our neighbors, these groups have filled the void. Sometimes the friendships that we form feel safer than our real life friends. They can be less work and provide comfort.
Who would have thought 15 years ago I would have so many friends all of over the world because of the internet? Very cool.
I found this board at a time in my life where I needed it most. I had just gone out on my own as a solo instructor. There were no other instructors in the immediate area for me to lean on. It was just me. I remember being so nervous the first time I posted. I remember that my typing and spelling mistakes were quickly pointed out to me. I also remember what internet 'short cuts' were. FYI, BTDT, TFS, LOL, and so many more!
The board provided me a sounding board to bounce ideas off of, special friendship, giving and receiving advice and new ideas. I truly feel that it contributed to my success as a Jazzercise instructor. I use to visit the site every day. I found wonderful support when I married, suffered miscarriages and then the birth of my babies. It was also fun to share the latest Jazzergossip or complain about the ups and downs of teaching Jazzercise. This internet chat board or "Chatters" as we were once called, started a new chapter in my life. Internet friendships.
When I was pregnant with my twins, I found a support board called "pregnant with multiples" where I met some of the best friends of my life. I have been friends with many of these ladies for over 6 years. We have shared good times and bad. They to were there with support, advice, and comfort in raising twins! I consider many of these ladies near and dear to me. Most people can't fathom having an 'online' community of friends. Many of them were there for me in one of my darkest hours showering me with support and friendship. I felt them rally around me as I fought the new enemy.
When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I went to the internet again and found another support group. Much different than the first two, yet the same. A common thread brought us together. Cancer. This time it was different. I was bold, had learned all the etiquette of internet chat and felt comfortable posting among strangers. They didn't stay strangers for long. I have met some really great ladies. I have lost friends too, that have died from Breast Cancer. It is strange to belong to a group where people come and go for various reasons, drop in because they are scared and don't know where to turn.
We hear a lot about support groups and how important they are for people. I think it is the social aspect. Because our communities are more spread out and we don't socialize on an intimate level with our neighbors, these groups have filled the void. Sometimes the friendships that we form feel safer than our real life friends. They can be less work and provide comfort.
Who would have thought 15 years ago I would have so many friends all of over the world because of the internet? Very cool.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Are we fooling ourselves?
I belong to a Breast Cancer support group. Online. It was a rock for me over the past two years. I can't leave it. I hang on to share with old friends I made over the years and to help the newly diagnosed.
With the good comes the sad. I have had friends that have died from this damn disease. I have watched friends go from 'early' diagnosis to Stage IV. Each one tears me up. We all post about the lastest studies, drugs or advances. We share stories of survivors who have been alive for years with active cancer or no reoccurance.
But what I have noticed is that it is the few. Many of us are advancing in our cancers. The chemo has done a great job, but it is moving to where we don't want it to go, our brains...our bone marrow...it sucks. It is robbing young women of life. It is robbing children of their mommies.
I am mad. Furious. I am scared.
With the good comes the sad. I have had friends that have died from this damn disease. I have watched friends go from 'early' diagnosis to Stage IV. Each one tears me up. We all post about the lastest studies, drugs or advances. We share stories of survivors who have been alive for years with active cancer or no reoccurance.
But what I have noticed is that it is the few. Many of us are advancing in our cancers. The chemo has done a great job, but it is moving to where we don't want it to go, our brains...our bone marrow...it sucks. It is robbing young women of life. It is robbing children of their mommies.
I am mad. Furious. I am scared.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
What to do...
I am struggling right now with a moral decision. I am raising my husbands grand-nephew. His bio mother has no bond with him. Never did. I doubt it will change. The bad news is that she is pregnant again. She is hell bent on keeping it. The family is livid. We don't think she should.
Why shouldn't she have the right to keept his child? She hasn't taken responsibility for the first. She has no home. She has no income. She has nothing.
What should we do as a family? Practice tough love and do nothing? You see she has lied and stolen from the very ones who have supported her the past 5 years. We have nothing left to give.
What gets hard is when we think about the unborn child. We tried so hard to counsel her on adoption. To no avail. Do we help her for the sake of the baby? Or stand aside and watch?
I truly don't no what to do. That is hard for me. I would sleep better if she had a home and a job. Or if she would do the most unselfish thing and give the baby up for adoption. G*d help us.
Why shouldn't she have the right to keept his child? She hasn't taken responsibility for the first. She has no home. She has no income. She has nothing.
What should we do as a family? Practice tough love and do nothing? You see she has lied and stolen from the very ones who have supported her the past 5 years. We have nothing left to give.
What gets hard is when we think about the unborn child. We tried so hard to counsel her on adoption. To no avail. Do we help her for the sake of the baby? Or stand aside and watch?
I truly don't no what to do. That is hard for me. I would sleep better if she had a home and a job. Or if she would do the most unselfish thing and give the baby up for adoption. G*d help us.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Real Moments
Living in the MOMENT
I am a self-help book addict. It is true!! I must have read hundreds of self-help books over the course of my adult life from relationships, children and of course cancer.
Some were really good, some were okay, and some were horrible! I think the worst one I read was BABY WISE…two of the best ones I read was Healthy Sleep Habits, happy Baby, invaluable for twin mothers and How to Stop Worrying and start Living.
One that I read that I have been thinking a lot about is a book called Real Moments.
What are Real Moments?
I have spent a portion of my life not enjoying the real moments. Real moments are the now not the when. As some of the clichés go, stopping to smell the roses, enjoying people.
I had a horrible habit of looking forward to events thinking that if only I would get married, get a dog, get a house, get a different job that I would be happy. When I never stopped and enjoyed some the basic moments in life that actually made me happy. If I reflect back to the times that were filled with the most fun or joy they were basic events with family or friends. Moments of intense laughter, companionship and just plan old fun.
What stood in the way me not enjoying real moments? For one, my intensity to do several tasks at once. Can you believe that I can talk on the phone, empty the dishwasher and cook all at the same time? Crazy isn’t it? The drive to get everything accomplished. I am not a perfectionist, but I am a multitasker/overachiever. I will set about daily list and try to accomplish everything I can. My husband will plan one event for the weekend, and after he accomplishes it, he is “exhausted”. Heck, I could paint a bedroom, do laundry, make dinner, and clean the carpet in one weekend!
How has this changed? Well, for one having children. The blessing of having children is that every day is filled with so many real moments that it is breath taking. The second would be having one’s mortality smack you in the face and scream “Times up!”. I look at my kids now and think, “I don’t want to miss any of this”. If they ask me to lay down with them at night and we chat about anything, most of the time it is quite humorous, it is as real as it gets. The excitement when they learn something new like beating me in checkers, or invite me to see their latest creation is as real as it gets. Watching them play solders in the front yard after watching a civil war reenactment. I love every stinking minute of it. However, I think the only real moment I don’t enjoy is the fighting between the kiddos.
I don’t want to you think I am totally wrapped up in my children. I enjoy my friends and adult activities. I need those once in a while. That is what completes me as a good mother, wife, friend and manager.
Why are real moments so important to me? Well, I decided a while ago that time is something that we can never get back. There are no do overs in life. If for any reason my life is cut short I want my children to remember a mother who took the time to be with them. A mother who gave out plenty of hugs and kisses, made it to most of their school and athletic activities and a mother who they will remember as fun. I want them to remember me with happiness not restriction. I know that in 10, 20 or 30 years, they won’t care that the kitchen was never clean, that the floors were dirty or that I never fed them 5 course meals. I want them to remember a mother who love to spend time with her children, who played and laughed with them and who was there to share those real moments, because once they are gone, we can never get them back.
Next time someone in your life, whether it be your pet, spouse or child is sharing a real moment, think of what you might miss if you don’t stop to enjoy the moment.
I am a self-help book addict. It is true!! I must have read hundreds of self-help books over the course of my adult life from relationships, children and of course cancer.
Some were really good, some were okay, and some were horrible! I think the worst one I read was BABY WISE…two of the best ones I read was Healthy Sleep Habits, happy Baby, invaluable for twin mothers and How to Stop Worrying and start Living.
One that I read that I have been thinking a lot about is a book called Real Moments.
What are Real Moments?
I have spent a portion of my life not enjoying the real moments. Real moments are the now not the when. As some of the clichés go, stopping to smell the roses, enjoying people.
I had a horrible habit of looking forward to events thinking that if only I would get married, get a dog, get a house, get a different job that I would be happy. When I never stopped and enjoyed some the basic moments in life that actually made me happy. If I reflect back to the times that were filled with the most fun or joy they were basic events with family or friends. Moments of intense laughter, companionship and just plan old fun.
What stood in the way me not enjoying real moments? For one, my intensity to do several tasks at once. Can you believe that I can talk on the phone, empty the dishwasher and cook all at the same time? Crazy isn’t it? The drive to get everything accomplished. I am not a perfectionist, but I am a multitasker/overachiever. I will set about daily list and try to accomplish everything I can. My husband will plan one event for the weekend, and after he accomplishes it, he is “exhausted”. Heck, I could paint a bedroom, do laundry, make dinner, and clean the carpet in one weekend!
How has this changed? Well, for one having children. The blessing of having children is that every day is filled with so many real moments that it is breath taking. The second would be having one’s mortality smack you in the face and scream “Times up!”. I look at my kids now and think, “I don’t want to miss any of this”. If they ask me to lay down with them at night and we chat about anything, most of the time it is quite humorous, it is as real as it gets. The excitement when they learn something new like beating me in checkers, or invite me to see their latest creation is as real as it gets. Watching them play solders in the front yard after watching a civil war reenactment. I love every stinking minute of it. However, I think the only real moment I don’t enjoy is the fighting between the kiddos.
I don’t want to you think I am totally wrapped up in my children. I enjoy my friends and adult activities. I need those once in a while. That is what completes me as a good mother, wife, friend and manager.
Why are real moments so important to me? Well, I decided a while ago that time is something that we can never get back. There are no do overs in life. If for any reason my life is cut short I want my children to remember a mother who took the time to be with them. A mother who gave out plenty of hugs and kisses, made it to most of their school and athletic activities and a mother who they will remember as fun. I want them to remember me with happiness not restriction. I know that in 10, 20 or 30 years, they won’t care that the kitchen was never clean, that the floors were dirty or that I never fed them 5 course meals. I want them to remember a mother who love to spend time with her children, who played and laughed with them and who was there to share those real moments, because once they are gone, we can never get them back.
Next time someone in your life, whether it be your pet, spouse or child is sharing a real moment, think of what you might miss if you don’t stop to enjoy the moment.
Saturday, October 07, 2006
I am now an American Cancer Society volunteer
I spent this morning at the American Cancer Society attending a seminar that said "I am glad that you asked". It was an informational session about ACS. It was enlightening. I didn't realize that the ACS was the 2nd largest contributor to Cancer research. I assumed it was KOMEN. I also learned that it focuses on the 4 major cancers that are 70% of the cases diagnosed. I didn't know that either. I learned about services, help lines, advocacy and their database.
Why did I go? Did I need to learn about cancer? nope. I decided I was going to reach out to other survivors. I have volunteered to service BC survivors in the ACS Reach for Recovery program. I am giving back. I begin that specific training in a few weeks. Sadly, the volunteer coordinator had 6 new names this week. She said they usually get 2-3 a week. I think about how many women don't call.
So, I am now a ACS volunteer. I believe in the organization. More then I ever did. I was impressed with their mission statement and their financials. I do think their CEO makes too much though.
May we eradicate cancer in my life time.
Why did I go? Did I need to learn about cancer? nope. I decided I was going to reach out to other survivors. I have volunteered to service BC survivors in the ACS Reach for Recovery program. I am giving back. I begin that specific training in a few weeks. Sadly, the volunteer coordinator had 6 new names this week. She said they usually get 2-3 a week. I think about how many women don't call.
So, I am now a ACS volunteer. I believe in the organization. More then I ever did. I was impressed with their mission statement and their financials. I do think their CEO makes too much though.
May we eradicate cancer in my life time.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
So how are you anyways?
There are many odd questions that one gets asked once they have been diagnosed with cancer. People at work, family and friends. I know they don't know what to say. What to ask. But the questions I receive are hard.
"So did they get it all?". I wish I knew. But the truth is they just don't know. Cancer cells can be so small they can go undetected. After all my treatments I could present with metastic disease at anytime.
"So how are you anyways?" Compared to what? My life before cancer or after? I am okay. I hurt everyday. My muscles are so out of wack it hurts when I wake and exercise. Then that leads to fear. Is that pain really muscle ache or cancer coming back? I am afraid I will have a recurrence. I am afraid I will die from this damn disease and it won't be an easy ride.
"What is your prognosis?" Can you believe someone asked me that? Maybe it doesn't seem personal to the non-cancer patient, but to me I felt very violated. You see, my prognosis is not great. It isn't totally bad, but the odds are not what I would like.
"You know we could all die at any time." Oh yes, that infamous bus that could strike me down at anytime. Screw that! Listen, until you get cancer or some other life altering illness you will ignore your own mortality. I know,I did. I don't anymore. Everything I do and say and feel I have thoughts of my mortality lingering in the back of my mind. I try not to let it control my life. But it is a struggle.
I am conflicted on remembering the past. Why? I have the opportunity to see an old apartment that I lived for a few years. Back in my post-college years. I was so young and innocent. I want to go, but I am afraid. Afraid of remembering my past. The innocence of life before cancer.
Well, for the most part when folks ask me "how am I" or "did they get it all"..I smile and say "so far so good" and "I hope so". That is all I can hope for and hope that fitz does not happen!
"So did they get it all?". I wish I knew. But the truth is they just don't know. Cancer cells can be so small they can go undetected. After all my treatments I could present with metastic disease at anytime.
"So how are you anyways?" Compared to what? My life before cancer or after? I am okay. I hurt everyday. My muscles are so out of wack it hurts when I wake and exercise. Then that leads to fear. Is that pain really muscle ache or cancer coming back? I am afraid I will have a recurrence. I am afraid I will die from this damn disease and it won't be an easy ride.
"What is your prognosis?" Can you believe someone asked me that? Maybe it doesn't seem personal to the non-cancer patient, but to me I felt very violated. You see, my prognosis is not great. It isn't totally bad, but the odds are not what I would like.
"You know we could all die at any time." Oh yes, that infamous bus that could strike me down at anytime. Screw that! Listen, until you get cancer or some other life altering illness you will ignore your own mortality. I know,I did. I don't anymore. Everything I do and say and feel I have thoughts of my mortality lingering in the back of my mind. I try not to let it control my life. But it is a struggle.
I am conflicted on remembering the past. Why? I have the opportunity to see an old apartment that I lived for a few years. Back in my post-college years. I was so young and innocent. I want to go, but I am afraid. Afraid of remembering my past. The innocence of life before cancer.
Well, for the most part when folks ask me "how am I" or "did they get it all"..I smile and say "so far so good" and "I hope so". That is all I can hope for and hope that fitz does not happen!
Saturday, September 30, 2006
I decided to play hookey..
I decided to play hookey this morning. I had signed up for the KOMEN 5K walk and was going to do the warm up with my Jazzercise buddies. But last night I just didn't want to go. I don't know why either. I wanted to stay home with my family.
I think cancer gave me the will power to just say no to things I really don't want to do. I think of my time as ultra precious. Something I don't want to waste. I savor each moment. That is a gift I guess that Cancer gave me.
Last year when I did the walk it was very hard emotionally. Maybe that is why I skipped it this morning. I just didn't want to be there. I should be proud that I am survivor. I am not ashamed of what happen to me. But I feel my calling to "pay it forward" is not the Komen walk. But to Mentor. Mentor other newly diagnosed women. Which I have been blessed to do several times already.
I also want to give back to the organization that helped me more than anything..Breastcancer.org. This website was my resource, it was my midnight support group. When I was scared, unsure or frightened to beyond words, it was there like a warm fuzzy sweater. The hard part is that we see new ladies join every day. I see friends who progress to mets and I have lost some friends to this damn disease. My heart breaks every time.
I wonder sometimes if I should just move ahead and keep being a cancer survivor a thing of the past. But I can't. It is not in my nature. I need to help others. I need to 'pay it forward'. That is not waling for 3 miles in the rain.
In the middle of the night one of my 5 year olds came into my room and asked me if it was a work day tomorrow. I said no, that Mommy would be home all day. I know I made the right decision to stay home with my family. I want to be at home when Fitzhappens.
I think cancer gave me the will power to just say no to things I really don't want to do. I think of my time as ultra precious. Something I don't want to waste. I savor each moment. That is a gift I guess that Cancer gave me.
Last year when I did the walk it was very hard emotionally. Maybe that is why I skipped it this morning. I just didn't want to be there. I should be proud that I am survivor. I am not ashamed of what happen to me. But I feel my calling to "pay it forward" is not the Komen walk. But to Mentor. Mentor other newly diagnosed women. Which I have been blessed to do several times already.
I also want to give back to the organization that helped me more than anything..Breastcancer.org. This website was my resource, it was my midnight support group. When I was scared, unsure or frightened to beyond words, it was there like a warm fuzzy sweater. The hard part is that we see new ladies join every day. I see friends who progress to mets and I have lost some friends to this damn disease. My heart breaks every time.
I wonder sometimes if I should just move ahead and keep being a cancer survivor a thing of the past. But I can't. It is not in my nature. I need to help others. I need to 'pay it forward'. That is not waling for 3 miles in the rain.
In the middle of the night one of my 5 year olds came into my room and asked me if it was a work day tomorrow. I said no, that Mommy would be home all day. I know I made the right decision to stay home with my family. I want to be at home when Fitzhappens.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
My babies are growing up...
My babies started kindergarten last week. Where did the time go? I never thought I would be one of those mothers that didn't want her children to grow up. Guess what? I am. I miss the days they were toddlers. I miss my fat pudgy little pacifier sucking boys. They are growing so fast. People tell you that. Just wait they say, they grow up so fast. I thought 'yeah yeah whatever...I am in sleep deprivation hell' and you are telling me this will fly by?
So as they got onto the bus I felt like crying, just a bit. They didn't look back or wave, they piled on to begin their new lives as school aged children.
The hardest part for me was two-fold. The boys are into saying things like "when I am bigger can I do this or that" or they talk about their future in school and the things they want to do. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I might not be a part of that future. G*d forbid. If the fates are kind to me, and the chemo worked I will be with them. Through all the homework, broken friendships, games, good grades and bad, and girls! I just hope I can experience those sleepless nights worrying about where they are at 11:00 at night, wanting them home. I hope they will still want to hang out with me too.
Where did the time go? I guess fitzhappens.
So as they got onto the bus I felt like crying, just a bit. They didn't look back or wave, they piled on to begin their new lives as school aged children.
The hardest part for me was two-fold. The boys are into saying things like "when I am bigger can I do this or that" or they talk about their future in school and the things they want to do. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I might not be a part of that future. G*d forbid. If the fates are kind to me, and the chemo worked I will be with them. Through all the homework, broken friendships, games, good grades and bad, and girls! I just hope I can experience those sleepless nights worrying about where they are at 11:00 at night, wanting them home. I hope they will still want to hang out with me too.
Where did the time go? I guess fitzhappens.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Driven to tears...
It has been over a year and a half since I started on this journey. Friday I walked in the Local Relay for Life. I did it on my noon hour because my family has plans for the weekend. Last year I did the survivor lap with my boys and my mother.My little 4 year old boys held my hands as I did that walk. I was fighting back the tears the entire time.
Along comes this year's Relay for Life. Friday I walked an hour slot for a friend/survivor at work who had a booth and a team. As I started the walk my eyes began filling again with tears. There are signs along the walk with booths vowing to fight or wipe out cancer, the memorials and the 'in honor' of loved ones... and it brings all that emotion crashing back to me.
There are no visible signs of my cancer treatment this year. My hair is longer, the color is back in my face and I have eyebrows. Anyone meeting me on the street would not even know. Some days that is a huge comfort. I can be normal again. Other days, I want people to know what I have been through.
I wonder as a cancer survivor if I will ever get past the tears. But then again, maybe I don't want to? It keeps me grounded.
Along comes this year's Relay for Life. Friday I walked an hour slot for a friend/survivor at work who had a booth and a team. As I started the walk my eyes began filling again with tears. There are signs along the walk with booths vowing to fight or wipe out cancer, the memorials and the 'in honor' of loved ones... and it brings all that emotion crashing back to me.
There are no visible signs of my cancer treatment this year. My hair is longer, the color is back in my face and I have eyebrows. Anyone meeting me on the street would not even know. Some days that is a huge comfort. I can be normal again. Other days, I want people to know what I have been through.
I wonder as a cancer survivor if I will ever get past the tears. But then again, maybe I don't want to? It keeps me grounded.
Full Moon
Through out our lives Full Moons have had many different meanings. I think when I was growing up I probably never gave a full moon a second thought just enjoying how neat it looked up in the sky. As I neared adolescent I am sure the thoughts of vampires and werewolves must have crossed my mind.
As we become more aware of our world we share stories about people acting strangely on a full moon. Emergency rooms are filled to capacity, people do weird things and all of the weirdos are out. When everyone at work acted strangely for a few days one can almost guarantee that someone will say "must of been a full moon".
As humans we always want to explain away everything in life. That there is a reason and purpose for every event in our lives. Greek Mythology, religion, legends and myths. It is so intertwined in our culture, every culture on this planet.
The other night my dog Charlie started licking me around 2 a.m. in the morning. This is not a normal event. So I am sure that he had to go outside. I dragged myself out of bed and went down stairs. The back yard was lit up, like there was a flood light shining off the house. I looked up. It was the moon. It was awesome. As the dog was running around the back yard chasing whatever I couldn't help but enjoy that full moon. I wasn't worried about werewolves or crazy people, but just so full of awe at the sight. I almost wanted to wake up the family. I am sure they would have thought I was crazy.
A full moon on a clear night is truly amazing and beautiful. One of those things in life that if we are moving too fast we can miss. I try to enjoy things like this more often, for some reason, cancer or not, I have been stopping to look at the world around me. I don't want it to happen with out me anymore.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Catalog Season!
I received over 10 catalogs in the mail today! I love catalogs. I just love looking at each page, each piece of clothing, houseware, jewelry or toy! It is so much fun. The boys spent 1/2 hour taking turn looking at the latest toy catalog.
It is funny. Catalogs are part fantasy. We can picture ourselves as skinny svelte babes wearing the chic outfits on the glossy pages. I love just looking almost like going to an art gallery. Sometimes I just look, admire and gaze. I don't think guys get it.
My fetish goes like this, I paw through a catalog, fold down a page & circle what I want. I envision those who might buy me this or maybe get me a lovely gift certificate. Then I go back in a few days and look again. Then I will review my selections in a week or two.
Now, if I am still in love with my selection...I just might whip out the ole- American Express and treat myself! What the heck? Right? I had cancer damnit! Then again, maybe I wont. I still have a mortage to pay and groceries to buy!
Fitz goes shopping!
It is funny. Catalogs are part fantasy. We can picture ourselves as skinny svelte babes wearing the chic outfits on the glossy pages. I love just looking almost like going to an art gallery. Sometimes I just look, admire and gaze. I don't think guys get it.
My fetish goes like this, I paw through a catalog, fold down a page & circle what I want. I envision those who might buy me this or maybe get me a lovely gift certificate. Then I go back in a few days and look again. Then I will review my selections in a week or two.
Now, if I am still in love with my selection...I just might whip out the ole- American Express and treat myself! What the heck? Right? I had cancer damnit! Then again, maybe I wont. I still have a mortage to pay and groceries to buy!
Fitz goes shopping!
Monday, August 07, 2006
Reaching out
I have always been someone who has felt the need to reach out to others. Whatever the need is I have a strong desire to help people. I love to share my life experiences with others. I find that speaking with someone who has 'been there done that' always helps.
When I divorced, I found that my biggest comfort was a friend who was going through a similar breakup. We would talk daily, cry and share together. It was a wonderful healing experience. Whenever I learn of anyone going through a divorce, I try to share my wisdom, what helped me and what I did to move forward.
When I had 2 miscarriages I did not keep it to myself. I shared with others. It was amazing how many women stepped forward to share with me their stories. I even emailed a Jazzercise instructor friend who lived across the country who had recently m/c. We must of emailed for several months. She was such a big comfort. We both ended up carrying a successful pregnancy to term. Now, when I learn of a friend who has had a miscarriage I jump right in. I don't say stupid stuff like "it was meant to be' or "You can have another". When going through a miscarriage that is not what we want to hear.
I am probably one of those crazy people that others hate. I approach people in public. After having twins and having a horrible time the first three-five months I now find it my compelling duty to approach anyone with infant twins. I ask them how they are sleeping and eating. I offer my unsolicited advice (some I found out have taken) about how to get the sleep more and letting them know it gets easier. After I approached one couple in Home Depot, I had one father look at me and thank me after I was done. On the flip side, I have had some people look at me like I was intruding on their personal space. That always surprises me and it shouldn't. When ever some kind hearted person approached me and said, "I have twins too" and offered be a glimmer of hope that I wouldn't be so tired in a few months, it would make my day.
Now life has brought me a new way to reach out. After I had cancer and lost all of my hair, I know "the look" of cancer patients. I now have this need to go up to people (mainly women) who are bald with hats or scarves and share my story with them. Ask them how they are doing. Strangely enough, the results have not been as positive. I don't know why. If someone would have come up to me and said, Hey I see you are wearing a scarf. Are you gong through treatment? I just finished...I would have been thrilled. But no. No one approached me. A man called me yanky doodle dandy (red -white-blue scarf) and the grocery store check out lady shared with me that her mom had cancer (and died, thanks!). But other than that, not a soul ever approached me.
What is really strange is that in the oncology office, people don't talk too much to each other. I was forever starting up a conversation. My best friend usually sat with me and we both would ask questions and find out the life history of the person sitting next to me getting their infusion.
It was a little different in the radiation oncology department. I sat with mostly men (prostrate)and they were really friendly. We saw each other every day for weeks.
So, I still have this need to reach out to others. I am a member of a few online support boards, but that is not enough for me. I thought about starting my own support network calling it "First contact". To help the newly diagnosed. I have actually had half a dozen phone calls with women who have been recently diagnosed. What to do? Well, I decided to volunteer with the American Cancer Society's Reach for Recovery program. Hopefully, I can help others. Funny, I remember them coming to see my mother, but no one ever contacted me. They are so short on volunteers. I wonder why? Today, as I mail my volunteer form, I am making fitzhappen.
When I divorced, I found that my biggest comfort was a friend who was going through a similar breakup. We would talk daily, cry and share together. It was a wonderful healing experience. Whenever I learn of anyone going through a divorce, I try to share my wisdom, what helped me and what I did to move forward.
When I had 2 miscarriages I did not keep it to myself. I shared with others. It was amazing how many women stepped forward to share with me their stories. I even emailed a Jazzercise instructor friend who lived across the country who had recently m/c. We must of emailed for several months. She was such a big comfort. We both ended up carrying a successful pregnancy to term. Now, when I learn of a friend who has had a miscarriage I jump right in. I don't say stupid stuff like "it was meant to be' or "You can have another". When going through a miscarriage that is not what we want to hear.
I am probably one of those crazy people that others hate. I approach people in public. After having twins and having a horrible time the first three-five months I now find it my compelling duty to approach anyone with infant twins. I ask them how they are sleeping and eating. I offer my unsolicited advice (some I found out have taken) about how to get the sleep more and letting them know it gets easier. After I approached one couple in Home Depot, I had one father look at me and thank me after I was done. On the flip side, I have had some people look at me like I was intruding on their personal space. That always surprises me and it shouldn't. When ever some kind hearted person approached me and said, "I have twins too" and offered be a glimmer of hope that I wouldn't be so tired in a few months, it would make my day.
Now life has brought me a new way to reach out. After I had cancer and lost all of my hair, I know "the look" of cancer patients. I now have this need to go up to people (mainly women) who are bald with hats or scarves and share my story with them. Ask them how they are doing. Strangely enough, the results have not been as positive. I don't know why. If someone would have come up to me and said, Hey I see you are wearing a scarf. Are you gong through treatment? I just finished...I would have been thrilled. But no. No one approached me. A man called me yanky doodle dandy (red -white-blue scarf) and the grocery store check out lady shared with me that her mom had cancer (and died, thanks!). But other than that, not a soul ever approached me.
What is really strange is that in the oncology office, people don't talk too much to each other. I was forever starting up a conversation. My best friend usually sat with me and we both would ask questions and find out the life history of the person sitting next to me getting their infusion.
It was a little different in the radiation oncology department. I sat with mostly men (prostrate)and they were really friendly. We saw each other every day for weeks.
So, I still have this need to reach out to others. I am a member of a few online support boards, but that is not enough for me. I thought about starting my own support network calling it "First contact". To help the newly diagnosed. I have actually had half a dozen phone calls with women who have been recently diagnosed. What to do? Well, I decided to volunteer with the American Cancer Society's Reach for Recovery program. Hopefully, I can help others. Funny, I remember them coming to see my mother, but no one ever contacted me. They are so short on volunteers. I wonder why? Today, as I mail my volunteer form, I am making fitzhappen.
Friday, July 28, 2006
It is just not fair
Sometimes life is just not fair. I think I have written about this before. I think of all of the injustices around me, in my life, in my community, in the US and in the world.
Every morning I listen to NPR and find out what is going on in the world. I think of all the young men and women losing their lives in the middle east. My heart breaks for their families. Those they leave behind. I hear about the new elections in the Congo and wonder if they will truly see democracy. I hear about victims from tsunami's, hurricanes, earthquakes, war, genocide, disease and murder. Some days it is too much to bare. I have to take a break from the news.
I have several friends who have had tragedy in their lives. A friend who lost a child, the worst loss. Several friends who have lost their parents way too young. My husband lost both his father and brother at a young age. Friends who have suffered molestation while growing up. Friends who have been raped. Friends who have suffered depression. Friends who have been abused or live in abusive relationships. Friends who are battling life-altering and threatening illnesses. All these things happen to good people.
Why do these things happen? Do we bring them upon ourselves? No, I don't think so. What makes us keep going? What makes get out of bed every morning and carry on?
I will tell you what keeps us going. Life. Human spirit. Will power. The human spirit is an amazing thing. We can endure many unspeakable things, but still continue to persevere. Why? I don't know. We are resilient. Those of us who do survive these hardships do so because we have no other choice. We aren't brave or superhuman. We have choosen not to give up or give in. We are the true hero's in life.
I truly believe that the human spirit is strong and will live on long after our bodies retire.
Every morning I listen to NPR and find out what is going on in the world. I think of all the young men and women losing their lives in the middle east. My heart breaks for their families. Those they leave behind. I hear about the new elections in the Congo and wonder if they will truly see democracy. I hear about victims from tsunami's, hurricanes, earthquakes, war, genocide, disease and murder. Some days it is too much to bare. I have to take a break from the news.
I have several friends who have had tragedy in their lives. A friend who lost a child, the worst loss. Several friends who have lost their parents way too young. My husband lost both his father and brother at a young age. Friends who have suffered molestation while growing up. Friends who have been raped. Friends who have suffered depression. Friends who have been abused or live in abusive relationships. Friends who are battling life-altering and threatening illnesses. All these things happen to good people.
Why do these things happen? Do we bring them upon ourselves? No, I don't think so. What makes us keep going? What makes get out of bed every morning and carry on?
I will tell you what keeps us going. Life. Human spirit. Will power. The human spirit is an amazing thing. We can endure many unspeakable things, but still continue to persevere. Why? I don't know. We are resilient. Those of us who do survive these hardships do so because we have no other choice. We aren't brave or superhuman. We have choosen not to give up or give in. We are the true hero's in life.
I truly believe that the human spirit is strong and will live on long after our bodies retire.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
What not to Wear - Corporate Edition
Don't ask me why, but I get caught up in what people wear to work. I focus mostly on women. I think that how we dress is extremely important to how we are preceivied. I also feel that how we dress says a lot about who we are and how we feel about ourselves.
You may think this is shallow. I don't think so. I think it is one of those things that are 'unspoken'. Granted, many people can move ahead based on talent regardless of what they wear, but the rest where talent does not carry them head and shoulders above the rest I think it is very important.
I will see a talented young lady who will adhere to today's "Fashions". Tight shirts, layered, casual, and open toed heel shoes or worst flip flops (gasp!). The mother in me wants to have a talk with this lady and say...what are you thinking? You are not going to a party but a job.
Unfortunately it is not just the young ones. I see it creep up all over. I was in a meeting with a vendor. There were two gentleman and a lady. Both men either had on a suit or jacket. How was the woman dressed? She had on a top that was pretty but you could see her undergarments. The selves where capped, but minus well have been sleeveless. I thought her outfit took away from what she was saying. Am I shallow? or did the other men in the room feel the same way.
I work in a male dominated profession. I feel very strongly that we should dress as to not bring attention to any features that may be enhanced by clothes. (Bust, Butt or legs) I want others to focus on what I am saying not what I am wearing. Is that shallow? I don't think so. I think it is good sense.
I always feel one can never be overdressed. That we should always dress for the next level or position that we wish to achieve. I feel like I am a dying breed. That I am one of the last hold outs to dressing professionally in the corporate casual world.
What do I believe are the "What not to Wear" items ?;
You may think this is shallow. I don't think so. I think it is one of those things that are 'unspoken'. Granted, many people can move ahead based on talent regardless of what they wear, but the rest where talent does not carry them head and shoulders above the rest I think it is very important.
I will see a talented young lady who will adhere to today's "Fashions". Tight shirts, layered, casual, and open toed heel shoes or worst flip flops (gasp!). The mother in me wants to have a talk with this lady and say...what are you thinking? You are not going to a party but a job.
Unfortunately it is not just the young ones. I see it creep up all over. I was in a meeting with a vendor. There were two gentleman and a lady. Both men either had on a suit or jacket. How was the woman dressed? She had on a top that was pretty but you could see her undergarments. The selves where capped, but minus well have been sleeveless. I thought her outfit took away from what she was saying. Am I shallow? or did the other men in the room feel the same way.
I work in a male dominated profession. I feel very strongly that we should dress as to not bring attention to any features that may be enhanced by clothes. (Bust, Butt or legs) I want others to focus on what I am saying not what I am wearing. Is that shallow? I don't think so. I think it is good sense.
I always feel one can never be overdressed. That we should always dress for the next level or position that we wish to achieve. I feel like I am a dying breed. That I am one of the last hold outs to dressing professionally in the corporate casual world.
What do I believe are the "What not to Wear" items ?;
- Flip flops, open toe shoes, any heal over 2"
- any pant or skirt that shows a panty line
- showing any cleevage
- any skirt where if I was sitting across from you, the knees must always be together
- Clothes that are too tight (if you have to ask, then it is)
- Clothes that are wrinkled (looks like one pulled it out of the hamper)
- sleeveless shirt/sweaters, unless it is layered
- Any print or style that is too casual (fashion test, could I where this to the beach?)
- short tops showing your belly (or fat in most cases)
- jeans, untility pants, t-shirts, tight capris, gauchos, shorts
You make think this is a silly blog. Why am I so passionate about this issue? I don't really know. But it is fun to be part of the fashion police once in a while.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Mail Box Mouse
Last Friday I stopped at my mail box like I always do to gather the mail and when I opened the door, two little eyes were starring back at me! Holy crap, it was a mouse. He (or she), I am assuming it was a he, made a little nest in our mail box. We live in a rural area on a dirt road so this shouldn't be a total shock.
For some odd reason I found this wonderful, funny and it made me happy. How could a stupid mouse in a mail box make me happy? Well, it is the surprise of it all. The surprise that a mouse chose our mailbox to call his home. Surprised that he didn't eat my Pottery Barn Catalog. Surprised that the cat hasn't "offed" him as my cat takes great pride in stalking creatures around our home. I was excited to tell all who would listen. My boys were very excited. So much so, against my strongest wishes, reached in to move the mouse's nest. In doing so, the mouse jumped out of the mail box and ran! Picture 3 little boys and a dog trying to chase a mouse around with a butterfly net. Does life get any better?
This mouse must of had a strong will to make the mailbox his home. For some reason I had to check the mailbox every day to see if my new friend had come back. He had. He was all stretched out and enjoying his new home. I would think it would be a hot house. Any port in storm I guess. I think it is pretty neat that we have a mouse in our mail box and I am not going to disturb him unless he does start eating my mail.
I wonder what the mail person is going to think? Fitzhappens!
For some odd reason I found this wonderful, funny and it made me happy. How could a stupid mouse in a mail box make me happy? Well, it is the surprise of it all. The surprise that a mouse chose our mailbox to call his home. Surprised that he didn't eat my Pottery Barn Catalog. Surprised that the cat hasn't "offed" him as my cat takes great pride in stalking creatures around our home. I was excited to tell all who would listen. My boys were very excited. So much so, against my strongest wishes, reached in to move the mouse's nest. In doing so, the mouse jumped out of the mail box and ran! Picture 3 little boys and a dog trying to chase a mouse around with a butterfly net. Does life get any better?
This mouse must of had a strong will to make the mailbox his home. For some reason I had to check the mailbox every day to see if my new friend had come back. He had. He was all stretched out and enjoying his new home. I would think it would be a hot house. Any port in storm I guess. I think it is pretty neat that we have a mouse in our mail box and I am not going to disturb him unless he does start eating my mail.
I wonder what the mail person is going to think? Fitzhappens!
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Like a Hurricane
I have decided that Cancer is like a hurricane. Some storms are a category 1 or 2 and we make it through with very little damage. When the storms are 3,4, or 5 it beats us down. It may take years to rebuild or eventually destroy us. Sometimes we get a small reprieve in the eye of the hurricane which is called 'remission' or 'no evidence of disease'.
Having been diagnosed with BC I feel like I am a coastal city now. I carry on with my normal life watchful on the 'weather'. I try not to focus on it too much until I have a doctor appointment, blood test or scan. Once I get through an event, it is peaceful again.
There is no way to predict accurately how bad real hurricanes will be, it is the same with cancer. I have read too many stories where they thought they 'got it all' only to have it come back with a vengeance. But then again I have read stories where the outcome was expected to be dire, and the storm passed quickly with little damage.
For cancer survivors it is always Hurricane season.
Having been diagnosed with BC I feel like I am a coastal city now. I carry on with my normal life watchful on the 'weather'. I try not to focus on it too much until I have a doctor appointment, blood test or scan. Once I get through an event, it is peaceful again.
There is no way to predict accurately how bad real hurricanes will be, it is the same with cancer. I have read too many stories where they thought they 'got it all' only to have it come back with a vengeance. But then again I have read stories where the outcome was expected to be dire, and the storm passed quickly with little damage.
For cancer survivors it is always Hurricane season.
Friday, June 09, 2006
Frog catching
Guess what I did last Sunday? I went frog catching with my boys. Here I am in my forties and I am catching frogs. We had nets and a pond, we were good to go. What more could anyone want on a beautiful sunny Sunday Morning?
I was amazed how my little babies 'jumped' right into the spirit of the hunt. They stepped in mucky water and never blinked. If a frog was jumping around them they showed no fear. They scooped the frog up like it was power ranger toy. I was worried a few times that they were holding their new treasures a little to tight. I continue to tell them that they were just to look at and we will be letting them go after we showed their daddy and be gentle. I have great frog empathy.
We spent a good hour and a half at the frog pond. As I stood there watching them, I thought to myself, now this is what growing up is all about. Experiencing things, doing not watching. My only other random thought was...Where was my camera I am missing a great scrapbook moment!
I don't think I conscientiously tried to raise 'manly' boys, but they are sure turning out that way. They love creatures, bugs and slimly things of any kind. They have been begging me for pet lizzards. Give them a few worms and they will play for hours. They love to play in dirt, play with animals, superheroes, cowboys, Indians, cars, dinosaurs, the list continues to grow. Just yesterday I came home to find their toddler sand- box emptied and moved around the side of the house. They wanted to show their babysitter how 'strong' they were.
Once in a while I will catch them in a testosterone duel. They start breathing heavy, snorting and try to 'take' each other out. Picture two five year olds in a big time wrestling match. At first it starts out as play but I can tell that it turns quickly into more than that. I let it go on for a while. I think it is good to let it out of their systems.
Little boys have too much energy. For example, the current obsession is jumping off of things. My couch, chairs, stairs, swings and their beds! We actually had one get a 'goose egg' after landing incorrectly the other night. It was ugly. I am fearful of the day we take our first trip to get stitches...But then fitzhappens with little boys.
I was amazed how my little babies 'jumped' right into the spirit of the hunt. They stepped in mucky water and never blinked. If a frog was jumping around them they showed no fear. They scooped the frog up like it was power ranger toy. I was worried a few times that they were holding their new treasures a little to tight. I continue to tell them that they were just to look at and we will be letting them go after we showed their daddy and be gentle. I have great frog empathy.
We spent a good hour and a half at the frog pond. As I stood there watching them, I thought to myself, now this is what growing up is all about. Experiencing things, doing not watching. My only other random thought was...Where was my camera I am missing a great scrapbook moment!
I don't think I conscientiously tried to raise 'manly' boys, but they are sure turning out that way. They love creatures, bugs and slimly things of any kind. They have been begging me for pet lizzards. Give them a few worms and they will play for hours. They love to play in dirt, play with animals, superheroes, cowboys, Indians, cars, dinosaurs, the list continues to grow. Just yesterday I came home to find their toddler sand- box emptied and moved around the side of the house. They wanted to show their babysitter how 'strong' they were.
Once in a while I will catch them in a testosterone duel. They start breathing heavy, snorting and try to 'take' each other out. Picture two five year olds in a big time wrestling match. At first it starts out as play but I can tell that it turns quickly into more than that. I let it go on for a while. I think it is good to let it out of their systems.
Little boys have too much energy. For example, the current obsession is jumping off of things. My couch, chairs, stairs, swings and their beds! We actually had one get a 'goose egg' after landing incorrectly the other night. It was ugly. I am fearful of the day we take our first trip to get stitches...But then fitzhappens with little boys.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Moving on up
Wow, I can't believe I am done with treatments. I finished my last treatment of Herceptin, a recently approved drug to fight early stage breast cancer. I was in treatment with one chemo protocol or another for over 18 months. What a difference a year makes. My hair is back, and although the style isn't what I like, not a soul would know that I was bald a year ago. For the most part my energy is back.
I don't have to see my oncologist again for 3 whole months! That is the best news. I won't have to have blood drawn or poked with needles for another 3 months! Life is good when this is a major milestone.
They say that most cancers, if they are to reoccur, will happen in the first 2-5 years. I will hit my 2-year anniversary in December. I still have that 'fear' in the back of my mind and I don't think I will need to save for retirement. But then, I think to myself, maybe just maybe I will be one of the lucky ones who makes it. Who is in the 40% that lives past 5 years with out a recurrence. If I am really lucky, I will be in the new generation of survivors that even with a 'poor' prognosis, will be around to tell about it for in decades to come.
People always ask how I am doing, did they get it all, am I okay now. I know that they are caring and for the most part concerned. But for some reason, it bothers me and I don't know why.
My mom tells me that I will be around and has no fears that I wont be. Or least she has not shared them if she did. Most of my family and friends just assume that I am okay now. Only BC survivors really understand the fear of knowning this beast can rear its ugly head again. And that the second time is not the charm.
I don't have to see my oncologist again for 3 whole months! That is the best news. I won't have to have blood drawn or poked with needles for another 3 months! Life is good when this is a major milestone.
They say that most cancers, if they are to reoccur, will happen in the first 2-5 years. I will hit my 2-year anniversary in December. I still have that 'fear' in the back of my mind and I don't think I will need to save for retirement. But then, I think to myself, maybe just maybe I will be one of the lucky ones who makes it. Who is in the 40% that lives past 5 years with out a recurrence. If I am really lucky, I will be in the new generation of survivors that even with a 'poor' prognosis, will be around to tell about it for in decades to come.
People always ask how I am doing, did they get it all, am I okay now. I know that they are caring and for the most part concerned. But for some reason, it bothers me and I don't know why.
My mom tells me that I will be around and has no fears that I wont be. Or least she has not shared them if she did. Most of my family and friends just assume that I am okay now. Only BC survivors really understand the fear of knowning this beast can rear its ugly head again. And that the second time is not the charm.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Devastated...
There are few times in my life when I have been just devastated by news. Unfortunately, they are increasing in frequency. Is it because I am getting older? I know more people? My circle has widen? Or has my compassion increased?
The first time I was really devastated was when I miscarried at 9 weeks. It was terrible. It was my second one. I had hoped that the first one was a fluke, but when it happened again I was devastated.
The second time was 911. I couldn't fathom how this could happen. It was just a horrible day and so many lost their lives.
The third time was when dear friend of mine lost her 15-month old son.
The fourth time was when I learned that I had Breast Cancer.
Now..I am devastated every time I hear of a young women whose cancer is metastatic. Or someone who has died of Breast cancer. Why? Is it my own fears or is it because I know many of these women. I know what they are going through? I don't know.
I recently learned of one of my Online sisters is having a recurrence, maybe to her brain. I was utterly devastated. Sick to my stomach. Which I have felt 4 times before. My heart hurt.
I know that stuff happens, I just wish it wouldn't sometimes.
The first time I was really devastated was when I miscarried at 9 weeks. It was terrible. It was my second one. I had hoped that the first one was a fluke, but when it happened again I was devastated.
The second time was 911. I couldn't fathom how this could happen. It was just a horrible day and so many lost their lives.
The third time was when dear friend of mine lost her 15-month old son.
The fourth time was when I learned that I had Breast Cancer.
Now..I am devastated every time I hear of a young women whose cancer is metastatic. Or someone who has died of Breast cancer. Why? Is it my own fears or is it because I know many of these women. I know what they are going through? I don't know.
I recently learned of one of my Online sisters is having a recurrence, maybe to her brain. I was utterly devastated. Sick to my stomach. Which I have felt 4 times before. My heart hurt.
I know that stuff happens, I just wish it wouldn't sometimes.
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