I love you more than the new Godzilla

My son Jimmy and I play this little game at bedtime. I tell him how much I love him, and smother him with hugs and kisses. I tell him "I love your more than anything" and he always replies "No, I love you more" and we continue on for a few mintues.

Sometimes we will say things like "I love you more than the dog" or "more than strawberry milk". The best one I heard was last night when he said "I love you more than the new Godzilla". Words to warm a mommy's heart.

It is funny, when my boys were little, my Joe was the affectionate one. Always wanted to be picked up and held. Jimmy never wanted me, he always wanted Daddy. Joey is more independent now, even though he was the last one to give up his paci, and doesn't seem to need Mommy as much, unless he is having a bad day. Jimmy on the other hand has been extremely affectionate and asks me to lay down with him every night. I used to like my time alone at night after the boys go to bed...but one day I said to myself, they aren't going to ask you forever to do this and soon they will be too big to have their mother lay down with them or worst..I might not be able to.

So I have made a promise to myself, that when my boys need extra mommy time they get it. Even if that means I am late to work or miss one of my favorite TV shows. There are some things in life that are too important to miss. Because we never know when fitzhappens!

I heard the news today, oh boy...

Last week was an extremely hard week. It was full of sadness. One of my friends suffered a miscarriage. All those feelings of learning that the heartbeat had stopped and the pregnancy was no longer viable came rushing back. We talked a few times, I tried to comfort her as best as I could.

Secondly, I lost two of my online friends from my BC support group. They were both 40 and 41. Each left small children. Each seem to go very quickly. One of them I felt a special kinship to. She had the same original diagnosis as myself, was in computers, and shared a lot of the qualities I admire in a person. She touched so many. When word spread of her passing, we were all shocked and devasted. Many of us sent single pink roses to the funeral home. There must of been over 30 or more. I emailed her husband expressing my sadness and letting him know how much she had meant to myself and others. We had even planned on getting our families together this spring for a baseball game.

Although I had never met these women in real life, we chatted almost daily. Sharing our treatment plans, diagnosis, fears and joys. It is hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been part of a online internet group what these friendship come to mean. I also belong to a jazzercise board and a mother of twins board..which has really morphed into a friendship board and these women have been a big part of my life for over 5, almost 6 years. What happens to them affects me deeply. We have hard our hardtimes too.

I guess the boards represent life. The good and the bad. Sometimes life is hard and fitzhappens.

Fear

Fear is a four letter word. One that has way to much power then it should. It can stop one from living, from moving forward, or making a change.

I remember having a lot of fear when I was pregnant with my twin boys. I had two previous miscarriages and I was so fearful that something was going to happen with this one. When I learned it was twins, that sent my fear into overdrive. My sister, who sometimes has some very valuable wisdom, told me that that I needed to put fear in its place and not let it inhibit me from living. Easier said then done.

For the most part my fear has been under control until a year ago. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now I live in fear. Fear that it will return. Fear that I wont seen my boys grow into men. Fear I will die a painful death. I try not to let that beast out. But it does rear its ugly head. I hate it. It makes me angry. I wish I could move past it. I know I can. It is hard. But life is hard and fitzhappens.

What I have learned from cancer

Before I was diagnosed with cancer I worried about my weight, how I looked, opinions of others
I worried about stuff that matters so little to me now

I look back on my life and I realized
just how truly blessed I am

I knew I was strong,
But because of cancer
I discovered my deeper inner strength!

I thought I was beautiful
But because of cancer
I discovered my true inner beauty!

I thought I was a good person
But because of cancer
I discovered how truly good my friends are

I thought I was caring
But because of cancer
I discovered what true caring is all about!

I thought I listened
But because of cancer
I discovered what it means to listen with my heart!

I thought I saw the beauty that surrounds me
But because of cancer
I discovered just how beautiful my world is!

I thought I was alive
But because of cancer
I discovered what it means to embrace life!

I cried many tears…
Now it’s time for laughter

Since being diagnosed with cancer
I worried every day…
Now it’s time to surrender
Now it’s time to be a survivor
Now it’s time for me to start giving back

I learned a lot about myself…
Now it’s time to be that person

Are Angels good guys or bad guys?

Some times I love ridding in cars with boys. My boys. On the way to the grocery store we had the most fascinating conversation. It was about Angels. At first I thought my son may be worried about dying or going to heaven. Little do I know what a 5 year old boy is thinking.

The conversation goes like this
"Mom are Angels good guys or bad guys?"
"They are good guys honey", I answer.
He proceeds.."Well, why are they naked?"
I say.. "Honey they are not naked they wear white robes"
"Well I might want to shoot one"
I replied, "OH NO, you don't want to do that! G*d would be angry, why do you want to shoot them?".
In a very serious voice he replied "Well then why do they shoot people with arrows?".......

Okay, I get it...CUPID stupid! He must have seen something about Cupid. I proceeded to tell my son that Cupid shoots love arrows and they make you feel good.

I love this age.

fitz happens

fitz happens
I am extremely sad tonight. I have learned that another fellow breast cancer sister has learned that her cancer has spread. It makes me sad and mad. What bothers me the most is that like myself, if we leave this earth we leave our children behind. It seems so unfair. Breast cancer takes young mothers.

My biggest fear today is leaving my children motherless at a young age. When they need me most. They need me to kiss their owies, hug them, talk to them, tuck them in at night, read to them..maybe when they are older they wont need their momma so much, but right now, at the tender age of 5, they need me. I am not ready to go.

I have never felt so much love in my life then the love I have for my boys. I love them so much it hurts. I get excited when I come home from work, because I can't wait to see them. I love their bad breath, crying, and hugs. Every inch of them.

I don't want them to see me get sick. To see me dying. I want them to remember me as a wonderful mother and person. I am afraid that I won't be here for them. There are no guarantees in life. I hope that the time I have with my boys will help them grow to be wonderful friends, boyfriends, husbands, and most importantly fathers.

So if you read this blog, and you have your health and you have kids remember, there are many of us fighting to stay alive for our kids, don't waste a single moment of time you have, it goes too darn fast.

Planning one's own funeral

fitz happens: February 2006
Do you think it is morbid to write one’s own obit and plan out her funeral?

All my family and friends will probably chuckle at this one then get really uncomfortable. It was my life, so what not control it to the end?

So, what do I plan to say? Well here is what I have so far;

Last Name, (maidden name), Janis Mary, age xx, passed away on (insert date here) after trying to kick cancer’s butt for xx years! Janis had a wonderful sense of humor, was kind, and compassionate person. She graduated from HS and University. She spent 16 years working at the Bank in the IT department and then finished her career for an Insurance Company. Janis enjoyed a side career and touched others when she was a Jazzercise instructor for 11 years.

Janis leaves behind the loves of her life, her twin sons, J and J who brought joy to every moment of her life. Her husband S, a rock during her illness, special nephew and son E, step-daugther A blah blah (list family here) and some very special friends Kelly who was at her side through it all, Sarah D’ who provided daily cyber support, Terri , and countless other friends.

It is Janis’ wish that her life be celebrated instead of mourned. Janis found tremendous support on the internet with her illness and wishes that any contributions be made to www.breastcancer.org.

Not that I am planning on dying anytime soon. I would like to live a good long life and be around for as long as possible for my family. I also have a few songs picked out, (okay, you can stop laughing now).

Here are some of the tunes I think would be fitting for my funeral;
Spiritual ones:
On Eagles Wings
You are Near ( Yaweh, I know you are near)

Contemporary:
Can’t find my Way home (by Blind Faith)
Come down off your throne and leave your body alone.
Somebody must change.
You are the reason I've been waiting so long.
Somebody holds the key.
But I'm near the end and I just ain't got the time
And I'm wasted and I can't find my way home.
Come down on your own and leave your body alone.
Somebody must change.
You are the reason I've been waiting all these years.
Somebody holds the key.
But I can't find my way home.
But I can't find my way home.
But I can't find my way home.
But I can't find my way home.
Still I can't find my way home,
And I ain't done nothing wrong,
But I can't find my way home.

Together Again ( by Janet Jackson)
Everywhere I go
Every smile I see
I know you are there
Smilin' back at me
Dancin' in moonlight
I know you are free
I can see your star
Shinin' down on me

Solsbury Hill (by Pete Gabriel)
Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
[I] just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom boom boom
"Son," he said "Grab your things,
I've come to take you home."

Someone you know has cancer..

I found this at another site and I feel that it is a wonderful thing to share;

Sometimes you feel other people's pain worse than your own. We're armored against our own troubles. We can't afford to give in to despair. Then you see someone else struggling, and it breaks your... heart.
Sean Stewart, Perfect Circle, 2004

What do you say when you learn that someone you care about has cancer? What do you do? Is there any “right” way or “wrong” way to
respond to the news?

Most cancer survivors we’ve talked with have stories to tell of comments and gestures made by friends and family members, some of which were hurtful and some of which were helpful. Based on those survivors’ stories as well as our own experiences, we offer the following "do's" and “don’t’s”. First the "don't's":

1. The worst thing you can say or do is to say or do nothing at all. Almost every survivor we’ve ever spoken with can tell of at least one person who, upon hearing the news, disappeared and was never heard from again. Maybe the fact that your friend or loved one has cancer is the worst news you’ve ever heard and you can’t stand the thought of him being this sick. You don’t know what to say or do, and it’s too painful to see him without hair, and the house smells like a hospital, and, well, it’s all so just so scary. We don’t mean to be harsh here, but this really isn’t about you. Stick around, please. Your loving presence alone can be the healing salve for a wounded, frightened spirit.

2. We know you mean well when you say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle,” but we wish you would listen to the implications in that comment and refrain from using it. It implies that God gave us cancer which inference often leads newly diagnosed patients to wonder if God is punishing them for something they did or failed to do, and that's the last thing we need to be worrying about right now.

To clean up a popular phrase, stuff happens. People get cancer (1 in 3, in fact). People get lots of other awful diseases, too. Babies are born with defects. Long-distance runners have heart attacks. Brave men and women go to war and get killed. Supermen fall from horses, and maniacs fly airplanes into buildings. And, yes, many people do get more than they can handle as evidenced by suicide rates. We don’t mean to step on anyone’s religion here, but we refuse to believe God is the one causing all this
mayhem, destruction and chaos.

Conversely, we believe God grieves with us when these things happen, and He is there for us and with us in the treatment room, in the delivery room, on the racecourse, on the battlefield, in the emergency room, on the airplane and inside its target. Instead of telling us that God gave us cancer, tell us that God will be with us
every step of the way.

3. Don’t predict the future. Acknowledge the seriousness of the diagnosis without being morbid (Oh, my God! My aunt had the very same thing and she died 8 months later!”) and without being unrealistic (“You’ll probably outlive me. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow!”). We don’t know what’s going to happen to us, and neither do you. Tell us happy stories of other long-term cancer survivors (but refrain from saying someone had “the very same thing”; no two cancer diagnoses are ever the same).

Never, ever tell us stories with unhappy endings.

Now for the “do’s”:

1.Things to say: “I’m here for you.” “You can cry with me.” “I love you.” “I won’t leave you.” “Whatever you’re feeling is okay.”

Just be there. Follow our lead. We’ll let you know if we want to “talk about it,” and if we do, please let us. Don’t change the subject. When you don’t allow us to talk about our disease, it makes us feel alone and isolated.

2.Things to do: Take my kids out for pizza and a movie or, better yet, for the weekend. Offer to pick up prescriptions, take the dog to the groomer and run other errands. Clip cartoons and funny pictures and send them in a card. Bring thoughtful gifts (a book or magazine, a tabletop fountain, a meditation tape or CD); avoid things with strong smells (bath sets, flowers, food, etc.) until you know how I'm reacting to my treatments.

A special message for doctors and other medical professionals: We know there are no guarantees, but you can give us hope. Your patients ask you for hope in different ways. Some are subtle, and some are screaming. Remember that where there is life, there is hope, and remind us of that. Instead of just saying, “You have cancer, and it’s very serious,” say, “You have cancer. It’s very serious, but once you get past the shock of this diagnosis, you are going to discover what a strong, resilient person you are. That strength and resilience partnered with our staff’s knowledge, skill and experience are going to form a powerful team to fight this disease. We’re going to do this together.”

Why me?

There are times in our lives where we think, why me? I used to be this way. I married in my twenties, picked a 'bad boy' of sorts who liked to party, wasn't good with money, and didn't really value family. My marriage was a very lonely one. I used to wonder why me? But I made that choice. I made the choice to marry someone whose values did not meet my own. I learned from that one.

Fast forward a few years, I divorced and remarried a wonderful compassionate man. Since we were both in our 30's we didn't want to waste anytime having babies so we wanted to get pregnant within a year after we were married. On our first try out I got pregnant! 5 weeks later I miscarried. A few months later, I got pregnant again. On the 'second' try. 9 weeks later I miscarried. Why me? I was devastated. My husband had a niece who was 19 at the time, not married, hooked up with a bum, and she keeps her pregnancy and I lose two? (not to mention the fact that I am now taking care of that child). Why did I have to miscarry?

Two years later I gave birth to boy twins! Why me? Oh the blessing of twins, but this time the 'why me' was a good one!!

Unfortunately, shortly after their birth I slipped into post partum depression. I didn't want to get up in the morning. Why me? Why was I so tired and cried all the time? Why was this so hard. Thank goodness I reached out for help. My mother helped take care of the babies so I could sleep and I went on mild anxiety meds. I came out of my fog.

Shortly after the birth of my twins, my company was sold out and I lost my job a few months later. I loved my job with the bank as a project manager. At first I was excited about being a stay at home mother. But as the days drone on, the unemployment ended I was bored. I adored my boys,didn't mind keeping 'house', taught Jazzercise and even Yoga. But funny thing was I wasn't happy. Why me? why does everything have to be so stinkin' hard!

Then in December of 2004, just when I thought things were going great; I had a new house, a great job, wonderful kids. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I never once said "Why me". Because I know now that 'sh*t happens' or can I say now 'fitz happens'?