Hello my name is...

Hello my name is Fitz and I am a multitasker! There I said it. I am always doing two things at once. I can't help it. Why do I do this? I am on the phone at home, I start to clean...Or put away dishes, or fold clothes...At work, I will talk on the phone and answer emails or surf the net...
I was filling up my coffee cup this morning and at the same time I was screwing the top on my water bottle that I just filled. I thought to myself this morning why do I do this? When I eat I love to read magazines or read the paper. I watch TV and look at magazines. When I am a passenger in the car, I have to read. I scrapbook and watch TV. I don't even like using the bathroom without using the time to read something. Even if it is the back of a bottle of shampoo!!

Is this crazy? It is a good thing? Or should I be enjoying every task and every moment by itself? Maybe task through life more like a man. I wonder if I am missing something by being a multitasker? Maybe I could teach a course on how to do it? Maybe a new reality TV show! MULTITASK ME.

I will say that I get a ton done every night. But then again some days I feel like I am in a fog. Just as I am getting one task accomplished I see another one that I want to start.

Do you think there is a group called Multitaskers anonymous? Should I start one?
I could probably set something up while I make dinner tonight.

Wow. What a weekend..

I am amazed at what the mind and body can endure. After several weeks of worry and stress over my new pain, the flu for a week, and then a sinus infection, I was worn out. Bone Tired. I didn't realize how tired because I am one of those insane people that push and push myself.

Saturday morning E walked into the room announcing, with tears in his eyes, that the toilet was over flowing. Great. 6:30 a.m. and there is water all over the bathroom floor. I whipped some towels on the floor, tried to un clog it and gave up...I figured my husband could deal with it. I locked the door to prevent any other early risers from committing the same mistake!

I went back to sleep. I slept and slept. I sleep until 10 a.m. Bless my husband for letting me sleep in. I needed it. I must have been exhausted. It felt so wonderful. I got up and showered. By the time I got downstairs it was almost 11 a.m. The boys yelled, "Mom you slept the longest". "Are you sick Mom?" "Why are you sick". I said I was just tired.

I went shopping to one of my favorite stores, Target. Came home and scrapbooked and my Husband made dinner. I enjoyed a few good beers. Life was good. It takes so little to make me happy these days.

A day of stress....

So, I have been having been having this pain in my thigh and gluet area. It has lasted longer than 5 weeks. Not good if you have had cancer. I had to tell my oncologist. When we (oncologist and I) talked yesterday I teared up. He mentioned bone scan. That scared the crap out of me. You see, if the cancer spreads to the bone or other organs, that means the end. My life will be short. I won't see my boys graduate highschool, maybe not even elementary school. I asked my Oncologist to let me know the results as soon as he gets them.

Today, as I thought about my scan all I could think about were my boys. I am not afraid of dying. I just don't want to miss out on their lives. I don't want to miss one stinking minute of their lives. I cried a lot today. I know they will be okay with out me. They will thrive. But damn! they shouldn't have to face life with out their Momma.

So my best friend Kelly went with me for my scan. I had to have a die shot up 4 hours prior. I had to review my 'case' history with this person. Getting all the medical background before the scan. I hate that. Discussing my cancer. It seems so invasive. It sucks. I hate hospitals. I hate having to give my 'medical' info over and over. I felt the same way when I filled out forms that said how many pregnancies? How many live births?

I hate the magazines in the waiting room of these facilities. Either they are Time or Newsweek, or some other obscure magazine. Golf? Who the heck has cancer and golfs? And if they were fluff like People or the Star, maybe that would piss me off more? Seeing all the way-too-skinny gals that don't have a care in the world.

As I lay there during my scan, I prayed. I prayed all day. I just asked that I be given the strength to get through this, that I be given more time with my boys, and that what ever happens that I will have the courage to face it.

Has cancer made me more religious? I don't know... but maybe more spiritual. Because, there isn't much else when the fitz hits the fan.

When did you get so big?

Sometimes I listen in on my son's conversations. I think to myself, now when did they grow up? Where did they learn that phrase? What happened to my toddlers that were late in talking, potty-training and still had a paci at age 3!

When they say things like "I am really serious about this", "I need some help over here", " Why do Aliens want to hurt people?" I just smile. I can't help it. It seems like it was overnight that they went from grunting out commands to speaking full sentences.

I also swell with pride everytime I see their name written in their own hand writting. It may not be perfect and missing a letter but they can write their name! When did that happen?

I was thinking to myself, will I get this emotional at every milestone? When they were little, I don't remember getting all that excited about a tooth. I remember I was excited when they started to crawl and then walk. What a thrill that was. I was pretty keyed up when they finally learned how to pedal a bike.

One day last year after coming home from work one of my boys came running up to me so excited...he had learned how to pump his legs while swinging. He was so excited and proud of himself. I had to go and watch. I was so excited for him too!

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we adults got this excited over simple stuff? like ridding a bike or pumping our legs while we were swinging? Being 5 is pretty cool.

Time away from home

Something has happened to me since I began working again. I was home with my boys for over 2 1/2 years when I rejoined the work force. During that time I couldn't wait for a break from them. Granted, they were babies and toddlers..and a lot of work. I would try to snag a weekend away or night out as much as I could.

I have been back in the workforce for 3 years now. I hate being away from them longer than 8 hours. I find myself turning down offers to go out so that I don't have to be away from them for any lengthy period of time.

I went for an overnight last Saturday with a girlfriend. I really didn't want to go. I wanted to stay home with my boys. I was only gone 24 hours but missed them terribly. I couldn't wait to come home. They didn't seem to miss me as much, but they did tell me they loved me at different times during the day. My husband said that even the dog missed me and slept near the stairs waiting for me to come home.

It is nice being missed. It is great to be excited about coming home and seeing your children. I remember when my father worked two jobs and when he came home from work we were so happy to see him! I know people and family members who do not feel this way about their children. That makes me so sad and breaks my heart. I want to tell them how much they are missing with their kids and how much these little lives make me so happy. It also pains me that every day with my kids are worth more to me now, more than ever. A mother shouldn't have to have a wakeup call of a serious illness to value time with her children. Oh well, fitzhappens.