Moving on up

Wow, I can't believe I am done with treatments. I finished my last treatment of Herceptin, a recently approved drug to fight early stage breast cancer. I was in treatment with one chemo protocol or another for over 18 months. What a difference a year makes. My hair is back, and although the style isn't what I like, not a soul would know that I was bald a year ago. For the most part my energy is back.

I don't have to see my oncologist again for 3 whole months! That is the best news. I won't have to have blood drawn or poked with needles for another 3 months! Life is good when this is a major milestone.

They say that most cancers, if they are to reoccur, will happen in the first 2-5 years. I will hit my 2-year anniversary in December. I still have that 'fear' in the back of my mind and I don't think I will need to save for retirement. But then, I think to myself, maybe just maybe I will be one of the lucky ones who makes it. Who is in the 40% that lives past 5 years with out a recurrence. If I am really lucky, I will be in the new generation of survivors that even with a 'poor' prognosis, will be around to tell about it for in decades to come.

People always ask how I am doing, did they get it all, am I okay now. I know that they are caring and for the most part concerned. But for some reason, it bothers me and I don't know why.

My mom tells me that I will be around and has no fears that I wont be. Or least she has not shared them if she did. Most of my family and friends just assume that I am okay now. Only BC survivors really understand the fear of knowning this beast can rear its ugly head again. And that the second time is not the charm.

Devastated...

There are few times in my life when I have been just devastated by news. Unfortunately, they are increasing in frequency. Is it because I am getting older? I know more people? My circle has widen? Or has my compassion increased?

The first time I was really devastated was when I miscarried at 9 weeks. It was terrible. It was my second one. I had hoped that the first one was a fluke, but when it happened again I was devastated.

The second time was 911. I couldn't fathom how this could happen. It was just a horrible day and so many lost their lives.

The third time was when dear friend of mine lost her 15-month old son.

The fourth time was when I learned that I had Breast Cancer.

Now..I am devastated every time I hear of a young women whose cancer is metastatic. Or someone who has died of Breast cancer. Why? Is it my own fears or is it because I know many of these women. I know what they are going through? I don't know.

I recently learned of one of my Online sisters is having a recurrence, maybe to her brain. I was utterly devastated. Sick to my stomach. Which I have felt 4 times before. My heart hurt.

I know that stuff happens, I just wish it wouldn't sometimes.

Scorned by Love

One of my five year old sons came home excited from school last Friday. It seems a young lady in his class had decided that he was the 'one' for her. She made a point of telling all the other little boys that she only wanted him to sit by her, nobody else! They even discussed kissing!

As my son relayed this information to me, smiling from ear to ear, I said that I thought this girl was a little 'fast' for him. He didn't think so. I told him that there was no kissing in school. I don't need my boy getting into any harassment suits by age six.

All weekend long he talked of his new love, Lexis. Oh, she has long brown hair and he wrote a note to invite her over. He asked how to spell words, but when he asked how to spell the work Kiss, I had to put my foot down! No little hussie is going to kiss my baby. ;^)

My husband put up a new swing set this past weekend. My son explained that one swing seat was saved for his girlfriend. He went on and on how they could swing together. It was cute yet disturbing.

As my son was carrying on and on about his new girlfriend (I use that term sarcastically) my husband had a little father son talk with him. My husband told him not to get his hopes up that girls change their minds a lot. Okay, this cracked me up. Love-life advice to a five year old?

Sad but true, my son came home for school telling me that it was over with Lexis. She had thrown him over for another. Lucas. Secretly I was glad. I know evil mom. He didn't seem to bothered. I told him he was too young for girls. He said that he has his eye on another!

I never thought I would be this way, but I don't want my boys to like girls for a long long time. I want to be the center of their female universe for a while longer. Not in the Oedipus type of way, but just the queen for a little while longer.

It should be interesting how my 5 year old son grows into manhood. Will he be this 'into' girls when he gets older? He has 'loved' pretty girls now for 2 years! He always stares at young pretty girls in public. He even used to say out loud.."I love that girl". Guess what? The young girls loved it! When I mean young..teenagers to 20 year olds.

He already told me I need to grow my hair out long. I guess that starts young too. Maybe by the time he is 30 I will ready for him to have a girlfriend, who knows fitzhappens.

It always amazes me...

It always amazes me how spring comes...one day we see budding trees and brown grass, then the next day, the trees have leaves, flowers are blooming, and the grass is growing. I love it.

Last year at this time I was just coming out of chemo and I was just happy to be outside again. Even though I was bald as a cue-ball and wearing a scarf.

This year? I am enjoying every blossom, every leaf, and every day that it is warm, raining, or the air smells of worms! Some times I just want to stop and smell the tree blossoms. I wonder if everyone feels this way?

It is funny, I can't remember the last time I had a 'bad day'. From now on, a bad day is one that delivers bad news about my health. Anything else is okay. Spring tells me that life does go on, with or without us.

I thought to myself today that if I should become ill again, that I want my boys to know that life will go on without me. I want it to.

I hope I have many springs to come.