It has been over a year and a half since I started on this journey. Friday I walked in the Local Relay for Life. I did it on my noon hour because my family has plans for the weekend. Last year I did the survivor lap with my boys and my mother.My little 4 year old boys held my hands as I did that walk. I was fighting back the tears the entire time.
Along comes this year's Relay for Life. Friday I walked an hour slot for a friend/survivor at work who had a booth and a team. As I started the walk my eyes began filling again with tears. There are signs along the walk with booths vowing to fight or wipe out cancer, the memorials and the 'in honor' of loved ones... and it brings all that emotion crashing back to me.
There are no visible signs of my cancer treatment this year. My hair is longer, the color is back in my face and I have eyebrows. Anyone meeting me on the street would not even know. Some days that is a huge comfort. I can be normal again. Other days, I want people to know what I have been through.
I wonder as a cancer survivor if I will ever get past the tears. But then again, maybe I don't want to? It keeps me grounded.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Full Moon
Through out our lives Full Moons have had many different meanings. I think when I was growing up I probably never gave a full moon a second thought just enjoying how neat it looked up in the sky. As I neared adolescent I am sure the thoughts of vampires and werewolves must have crossed my mind.
As we become more aware of our world we share stories about people acting strangely on a full moon. Emergency rooms are filled to capacity, people do weird things and all of the weirdos are out. When everyone at work acted strangely for a few days one can almost guarantee that someone will say "must of been a full moon".
As humans we always want to explain away everything in life. That there is a reason and purpose for every event in our lives. Greek Mythology, religion, legends and myths. It is so intertwined in our culture, every culture on this planet.
The other night my dog Charlie started licking me around 2 a.m. in the morning. This is not a normal event. So I am sure that he had to go outside. I dragged myself out of bed and went down stairs. The back yard was lit up, like there was a flood light shining off the house. I looked up. It was the moon. It was awesome. As the dog was running around the back yard chasing whatever I couldn't help but enjoy that full moon. I wasn't worried about werewolves or crazy people, but just so full of awe at the sight. I almost wanted to wake up the family. I am sure they would have thought I was crazy.
A full moon on a clear night is truly amazing and beautiful. One of those things in life that if we are moving too fast we can miss. I try to enjoy things like this more often, for some reason, cancer or not, I have been stopping to look at the world around me. I don't want it to happen with out me anymore.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Catalog Season!
I received over 10 catalogs in the mail today! I love catalogs. I just love looking at each page, each piece of clothing, houseware, jewelry or toy! It is so much fun. The boys spent 1/2 hour taking turn looking at the latest toy catalog.
It is funny. Catalogs are part fantasy. We can picture ourselves as skinny svelte babes wearing the chic outfits on the glossy pages. I love just looking almost like going to an art gallery. Sometimes I just look, admire and gaze. I don't think guys get it.
My fetish goes like this, I paw through a catalog, fold down a page & circle what I want. I envision those who might buy me this or maybe get me a lovely gift certificate. Then I go back in a few days and look again. Then I will review my selections in a week or two.
Now, if I am still in love with my selection...I just might whip out the ole- American Express and treat myself! What the heck? Right? I had cancer damnit! Then again, maybe I wont. I still have a mortage to pay and groceries to buy!
Fitz goes shopping!
It is funny. Catalogs are part fantasy. We can picture ourselves as skinny svelte babes wearing the chic outfits on the glossy pages. I love just looking almost like going to an art gallery. Sometimes I just look, admire and gaze. I don't think guys get it.
My fetish goes like this, I paw through a catalog, fold down a page & circle what I want. I envision those who might buy me this or maybe get me a lovely gift certificate. Then I go back in a few days and look again. Then I will review my selections in a week or two.
Now, if I am still in love with my selection...I just might whip out the ole- American Express and treat myself! What the heck? Right? I had cancer damnit! Then again, maybe I wont. I still have a mortage to pay and groceries to buy!
Fitz goes shopping!
Monday, August 07, 2006
Reaching out
I have always been someone who has felt the need to reach out to others. Whatever the need is I have a strong desire to help people. I love to share my life experiences with others. I find that speaking with someone who has 'been there done that' always helps.
When I divorced, I found that my biggest comfort was a friend who was going through a similar breakup. We would talk daily, cry and share together. It was a wonderful healing experience. Whenever I learn of anyone going through a divorce, I try to share my wisdom, what helped me and what I did to move forward.
When I had 2 miscarriages I did not keep it to myself. I shared with others. It was amazing how many women stepped forward to share with me their stories. I even emailed a Jazzercise instructor friend who lived across the country who had recently m/c. We must of emailed for several months. She was such a big comfort. We both ended up carrying a successful pregnancy to term. Now, when I learn of a friend who has had a miscarriage I jump right in. I don't say stupid stuff like "it was meant to be' or "You can have another". When going through a miscarriage that is not what we want to hear.
I am probably one of those crazy people that others hate. I approach people in public. After having twins and having a horrible time the first three-five months I now find it my compelling duty to approach anyone with infant twins. I ask them how they are sleeping and eating. I offer my unsolicited advice (some I found out have taken) about how to get the sleep more and letting them know it gets easier. After I approached one couple in Home Depot, I had one father look at me and thank me after I was done. On the flip side, I have had some people look at me like I was intruding on their personal space. That always surprises me and it shouldn't. When ever some kind hearted person approached me and said, "I have twins too" and offered be a glimmer of hope that I wouldn't be so tired in a few months, it would make my day.
Now life has brought me a new way to reach out. After I had cancer and lost all of my hair, I know "the look" of cancer patients. I now have this need to go up to people (mainly women) who are bald with hats or scarves and share my story with them. Ask them how they are doing. Strangely enough, the results have not been as positive. I don't know why. If someone would have come up to me and said, Hey I see you are wearing a scarf. Are you gong through treatment? I just finished...I would have been thrilled. But no. No one approached me. A man called me yanky doodle dandy (red -white-blue scarf) and the grocery store check out lady shared with me that her mom had cancer (and died, thanks!). But other than that, not a soul ever approached me.
What is really strange is that in the oncology office, people don't talk too much to each other. I was forever starting up a conversation. My best friend usually sat with me and we both would ask questions and find out the life history of the person sitting next to me getting their infusion.
It was a little different in the radiation oncology department. I sat with mostly men (prostrate)and they were really friendly. We saw each other every day for weeks.
So, I still have this need to reach out to others. I am a member of a few online support boards, but that is not enough for me. I thought about starting my own support network calling it "First contact". To help the newly diagnosed. I have actually had half a dozen phone calls with women who have been recently diagnosed. What to do? Well, I decided to volunteer with the American Cancer Society's Reach for Recovery program. Hopefully, I can help others. Funny, I remember them coming to see my mother, but no one ever contacted me. They are so short on volunteers. I wonder why? Today, as I mail my volunteer form, I am making fitzhappen.
When I divorced, I found that my biggest comfort was a friend who was going through a similar breakup. We would talk daily, cry and share together. It was a wonderful healing experience. Whenever I learn of anyone going through a divorce, I try to share my wisdom, what helped me and what I did to move forward.
When I had 2 miscarriages I did not keep it to myself. I shared with others. It was amazing how many women stepped forward to share with me their stories. I even emailed a Jazzercise instructor friend who lived across the country who had recently m/c. We must of emailed for several months. She was such a big comfort. We both ended up carrying a successful pregnancy to term. Now, when I learn of a friend who has had a miscarriage I jump right in. I don't say stupid stuff like "it was meant to be' or "You can have another". When going through a miscarriage that is not what we want to hear.
I am probably one of those crazy people that others hate. I approach people in public. After having twins and having a horrible time the first three-five months I now find it my compelling duty to approach anyone with infant twins. I ask them how they are sleeping and eating. I offer my unsolicited advice (some I found out have taken) about how to get the sleep more and letting them know it gets easier. After I approached one couple in Home Depot, I had one father look at me and thank me after I was done. On the flip side, I have had some people look at me like I was intruding on their personal space. That always surprises me and it shouldn't. When ever some kind hearted person approached me and said, "I have twins too" and offered be a glimmer of hope that I wouldn't be so tired in a few months, it would make my day.
Now life has brought me a new way to reach out. After I had cancer and lost all of my hair, I know "the look" of cancer patients. I now have this need to go up to people (mainly women) who are bald with hats or scarves and share my story with them. Ask them how they are doing. Strangely enough, the results have not been as positive. I don't know why. If someone would have come up to me and said, Hey I see you are wearing a scarf. Are you gong through treatment? I just finished...I would have been thrilled. But no. No one approached me. A man called me yanky doodle dandy (red -white-blue scarf) and the grocery store check out lady shared with me that her mom had cancer (and died, thanks!). But other than that, not a soul ever approached me.
What is really strange is that in the oncology office, people don't talk too much to each other. I was forever starting up a conversation. My best friend usually sat with me and we both would ask questions and find out the life history of the person sitting next to me getting their infusion.
It was a little different in the radiation oncology department. I sat with mostly men (prostrate)and they were really friendly. We saw each other every day for weeks.
So, I still have this need to reach out to others. I am a member of a few online support boards, but that is not enough for me. I thought about starting my own support network calling it "First contact". To help the newly diagnosed. I have actually had half a dozen phone calls with women who have been recently diagnosed. What to do? Well, I decided to volunteer with the American Cancer Society's Reach for Recovery program. Hopefully, I can help others. Funny, I remember them coming to see my mother, but no one ever contacted me. They are so short on volunteers. I wonder why? Today, as I mail my volunteer form, I am making fitzhappen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
