Can I swear on a blog???

I found out today that someone from my past, who made a major impact on my life, though she probably never knew it, died of breast cancer. Damn! she was only 35. She had 3 children. Oh so young.

I was shaken today. I cried. Haven't done that in a while. It just isn't fair. Why did it impact me so? Did I miss her? mourn for what I loss? No, because I really didn't know her. She wasn't someone I ever talked to directly. We shared a board over 7 years ago. She was a big part of my life back then. 7 years ago I was pregnant with Twins, scared out of my wits and she was there. A board moderator and wonderful voice. She left shortly after I had my twins. She found out she had BC, found by accident after a breast reduction. Lucky right? Yeah right.

I think I cried because I hate cancer. I hate what it does to families. There are now 3 more children in this world who have lost their mother. WhY??? Why??? Life isn't fair, shit happens, I know. But the love of a momma for her babies is something so deep it is hard to convey in words. To know that she had to leave her children breaks my heart.

I think I cried because it could be me...some day. Fitzhappens.

Where have you been???

I guess seven months has been too long to be away. Where have I been? I have been living life. Working. Going to doctor appointments. Scrapbooking. Cooking. Cleaning (well not so much). Vacation to the Bahamas, Disney, Onekama.... I guess I have been a busy girl.

Life is good. I am truly happy. Sure I would like a new kitchen floor, drop a few pounds and a decent hair cut. But overall I am happy. That scares me just a little. Last time I felt this way we took custody of my nephew and then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. 3 years ago. Time flies when fitzhappens.

A day that will live in infamy

I am sure we have all heard these words uttered by our former President Franklin D. Roosevelt. Americans at that time must have felt that they had been sucker punched. In my life I felt the same way on September 11Th, 2001. A day that was like no other that I had experienced. So many lost their lives on both days. Heart breaking.

I don't hold a lot of dates near and dear. I remember my immediate family's birthdays, my anniversary (no one else), the due date of my twins, and a few birthdays of a friend or two. Date s and anniversaries are not really that important to me. I don't make a big fuss over my birthday or anniversary. It is just a day.

However, there is one date that has stuck with me. Sadly, it was the tragic day a good friend of mine lost her baby James. The bottom fell out of her world that day. My heart broke in a million pieces for her and her family that day. Of all the events that have happened in my life, this one changed me. This is the only one that I wish I could change. I wouldn't even change my own cancer diagnosis if I could change that day.

I was never fortunate to meet James. But I grew to love him through the stories and pictures from his mother. You see, James and his brother were born on the same day as my boys. They are the same age. After James became an Angel I grieved every time I looked at my boys. It hurt. I felt guilty. Why him? A loss of a child is the worst loss.

This little boy lives on in the memories and hearts of many. Some he met and others that were like me. A few children have been named after him, memorials made and prayers given. I hate that terrible day in January. I am sure James' family does too. With time the date will be less significant. But for now, it will live on in infamy for me. AWA