I decided to play hookey..

I decided to play hookey this morning. I had signed up for the KOMEN 5K walk and was going to do the warm up with my Jazzercise buddies. But last night I just didn't want to go. I don't know why either. I wanted to stay home with my family.

I think cancer gave me the will power to just say no to things I really don't want to do. I think of my time as ultra precious. Something I don't want to waste. I savor each moment. That is a gift I guess that Cancer gave me.

Last year when I did the walk it was very hard emotionally. Maybe that is why I skipped it this morning. I just didn't want to be there. I should be proud that I am survivor. I am not ashamed of what happen to me. But I feel my calling to "pay it forward" is not the Komen walk. But to Mentor. Mentor other newly diagnosed women. Which I have been blessed to do several times already.

I also want to give back to the organization that helped me more than anything..Breastcancer.org. This website was my resource, it was my midnight support group. When I was scared, unsure or frightened to beyond words, it was there like a warm fuzzy sweater. The hard part is that we see new ladies join every day. I see friends who progress to mets and I have lost some friends to this damn disease. My heart breaks every time.

I wonder sometimes if I should just move ahead and keep being a cancer survivor a thing of the past. But I can't. It is not in my nature. I need to help others. I need to 'pay it forward'. That is not waling for 3 miles in the rain.

In the middle of the night one of my 5 year olds came into my room and asked me if it was a work day tomorrow. I said no, that Mommy would be home all day. I know I made the right decision to stay home with my family. I want to be at home when Fitzhappens.

My babies are growing up...

My babies started kindergarten last week. Where did the time go? I never thought I would be one of those mothers that didn't want her children to grow up. Guess what? I am. I miss the days they were toddlers. I miss my fat pudgy little pacifier sucking boys. They are growing so fast. People tell you that. Just wait they say, they grow up so fast. I thought 'yeah yeah whatever...I am in sleep deprivation hell' and you are telling me this will fly by?

So as they got onto the bus I felt like crying, just a bit. They didn't look back or wave, they piled on to begin their new lives as school aged children.

The hardest part for me was two-fold. The boys are into saying things like "when I am bigger can I do this or that" or they talk about their future in school and the things they want to do. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I might not be a part of that future. G*d forbid. If the fates are kind to me, and the chemo worked I will be with them. Through all the homework, broken friendships, games, good grades and bad, and girls! I just hope I can experience those sleepless nights worrying about where they are at 11:00 at night, wanting them home. I hope they will still want to hang out with me too.

Where did the time go? I guess fitzhappens.