What have we done??

Seriously, what have we done to the next generation? I am in my forties. The tail end of the so called baby boomers although I don't classify myself as a boomer. But some of the 35 and younger set really bugs me. They expect so much for so little.

So what am I talking about?

Example one...I was at the grocery store today. Needless to say we now have to load our own carts, take them to our cars and unload them, that is besides the point...I digressed..So something fell off the conveyor and it broke, so the cashier called 'customer service' and asked for a new one. This young gal comes walking up (slow) and grabs my item (scrubbing bubbles) and proceeds to get a new one. Mean time I am done checking out...I watch her walk all the way to produce and think, dang! This is going to take all day...So I ask the cashier to watch my fully loaded cart and I go to the bathroom. I come back, still no scrubbing bubbles and no girl. Two more people check out and the lane is closed!
Now I am not an impatient person, with all my waiting for doctors the past 18 months, I know how to wait, but this girl took over 10 minutes!!! I could have done so major power shopping during this time. It was like she didn't care?

Example two...The young men who work for me. They seem to expect to be highly compensated without the experience and education. Just because their job is hard and they do it well. Isn't that what we are paying them to do?

I remember working my hiney off, when I worked in a retirement home, retail, as a file clerk, a computer programmer, and so on...I always put in a full day and gave more. I rose up through the ranks. I never expected to rise to the top in a short time. I knew it took time and hard work.

I think the generation behind me expects too much to be given to them. I think their parents gave them too much. I worry that I might do that to my own boys. I see the next generation unable to think on their own, face adversity and perservere.

But then again, maybe the generation before me felt the same about our generation. I was living on my own by age 19, going to school full time and holding down a full time job. Oh well Fitz happens.

Character

I once read that Character is what you do when no one is looking. I have always believed that. To the depth of my soul. I feel that I have good character. My ex husband, had horrible character. My husband now, has great character. That is why I married him. I had such a horrible experience with #1 putting other things first before me and his daughter and not 'doing what was right'. So when I started to date after my divorce, I was going to marry a man with character!

The other day I was in the parking ramp and was exiting to leave. I noticed an older woman wandering around. It was very obvious that she had misplaced her car. I had proceeded to leave, then looked in my rear view mirror. I could not leave the ramp unless I helped her. I parked my car again and got out.

I found her and ask her if I could help. When I got near to her tears had filled her eyes. I told her it was okay, that I had done this once, and we will find her car. I was in no hurry and not to worry. We wandered around a bit, and I offered to drive her around if we didn't find it soon. Finally, we found it. She was so relieved. She hugged me and said "thank you lady". I say no problem.

I was so happy I could help her. Being scared and alone and lost is no fun. I am so glad that I did stop. It was a blessing for me as much as it must of been to her. When ever I can do random acts of kindness I do. I hope I am remember for this for years to come...

That's okay...

My boys are 5. They play, they fight. Today I watched them chase and wrestle each other. One got a little too physical so the other bit him. The biter ran away..I had to chase him and chastise him. The bitee was screaming bloody murder. A few minutes later, tears drying up we went for a walk with the dog.

Son #1, "oh man...It is really bad", the skin was broken. Son #2 "OH let me see, oh I am sorry I did that", Son #1 "that is okay". Son #2 "yeah, but you were hurting my neck", Son #1 "Sorry about that".

It warms my heart that they are compassionate to each other. I wish the world was more like this. I think I am doing good raising them. =0)

Hello my name is...

Hello my name is Fitz and I am a multitasker! There I said it. I am always doing two things at once. I can't help it. Why do I do this? I am on the phone at home, I start to clean...Or put away dishes, or fold clothes...At work, I will talk on the phone and answer emails or surf the net...
I was filling up my coffee cup this morning and at the same time I was screwing the top on my water bottle that I just filled. I thought to myself this morning why do I do this? When I eat I love to read magazines or read the paper. I watch TV and look at magazines. When I am a passenger in the car, I have to read. I scrapbook and watch TV. I don't even like using the bathroom without using the time to read something. Even if it is the back of a bottle of shampoo!!

Is this crazy? It is a good thing? Or should I be enjoying every task and every moment by itself? Maybe task through life more like a man. I wonder if I am missing something by being a multitasker? Maybe I could teach a course on how to do it? Maybe a new reality TV show! MULTITASK ME.

I will say that I get a ton done every night. But then again some days I feel like I am in a fog. Just as I am getting one task accomplished I see another one that I want to start.

Do you think there is a group called Multitaskers anonymous? Should I start one?
I could probably set something up while I make dinner tonight.

Wow. What a weekend..

I am amazed at what the mind and body can endure. After several weeks of worry and stress over my new pain, the flu for a week, and then a sinus infection, I was worn out. Bone Tired. I didn't realize how tired because I am one of those insane people that push and push myself.

Saturday morning E walked into the room announcing, with tears in his eyes, that the toilet was over flowing. Great. 6:30 a.m. and there is water all over the bathroom floor. I whipped some towels on the floor, tried to un clog it and gave up...I figured my husband could deal with it. I locked the door to prevent any other early risers from committing the same mistake!

I went back to sleep. I slept and slept. I sleep until 10 a.m. Bless my husband for letting me sleep in. I needed it. I must have been exhausted. It felt so wonderful. I got up and showered. By the time I got downstairs it was almost 11 a.m. The boys yelled, "Mom you slept the longest". "Are you sick Mom?" "Why are you sick". I said I was just tired.

I went shopping to one of my favorite stores, Target. Came home and scrapbooked and my Husband made dinner. I enjoyed a few good beers. Life was good. It takes so little to make me happy these days.

A day of stress....

So, I have been having been having this pain in my thigh and gluet area. It has lasted longer than 5 weeks. Not good if you have had cancer. I had to tell my oncologist. When we (oncologist and I) talked yesterday I teared up. He mentioned bone scan. That scared the crap out of me. You see, if the cancer spreads to the bone or other organs, that means the end. My life will be short. I won't see my boys graduate highschool, maybe not even elementary school. I asked my Oncologist to let me know the results as soon as he gets them.

Today, as I thought about my scan all I could think about were my boys. I am not afraid of dying. I just don't want to miss out on their lives. I don't want to miss one stinking minute of their lives. I cried a lot today. I know they will be okay with out me. They will thrive. But damn! they shouldn't have to face life with out their Momma.

So my best friend Kelly went with me for my scan. I had to have a die shot up 4 hours prior. I had to review my 'case' history with this person. Getting all the medical background before the scan. I hate that. Discussing my cancer. It seems so invasive. It sucks. I hate hospitals. I hate having to give my 'medical' info over and over. I felt the same way when I filled out forms that said how many pregnancies? How many live births?

I hate the magazines in the waiting room of these facilities. Either they are Time or Newsweek, or some other obscure magazine. Golf? Who the heck has cancer and golfs? And if they were fluff like People or the Star, maybe that would piss me off more? Seeing all the way-too-skinny gals that don't have a care in the world.

As I lay there during my scan, I prayed. I prayed all day. I just asked that I be given the strength to get through this, that I be given more time with my boys, and that what ever happens that I will have the courage to face it.

Has cancer made me more religious? I don't know... but maybe more spiritual. Because, there isn't much else when the fitz hits the fan.

When did you get so big?

Sometimes I listen in on my son's conversations. I think to myself, now when did they grow up? Where did they learn that phrase? What happened to my toddlers that were late in talking, potty-training and still had a paci at age 3!

When they say things like "I am really serious about this", "I need some help over here", " Why do Aliens want to hurt people?" I just smile. I can't help it. It seems like it was overnight that they went from grunting out commands to speaking full sentences.

I also swell with pride everytime I see their name written in their own hand writting. It may not be perfect and missing a letter but they can write their name! When did that happen?

I was thinking to myself, will I get this emotional at every milestone? When they were little, I don't remember getting all that excited about a tooth. I remember I was excited when they started to crawl and then walk. What a thrill that was. I was pretty keyed up when they finally learned how to pedal a bike.

One day last year after coming home from work one of my boys came running up to me so excited...he had learned how to pump his legs while swinging. He was so excited and proud of himself. I had to go and watch. I was so excited for him too!

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we adults got this excited over simple stuff? like ridding a bike or pumping our legs while we were swinging? Being 5 is pretty cool.

Time away from home

Something has happened to me since I began working again. I was home with my boys for over 2 1/2 years when I rejoined the work force. During that time I couldn't wait for a break from them. Granted, they were babies and toddlers..and a lot of work. I would try to snag a weekend away or night out as much as I could.

I have been back in the workforce for 3 years now. I hate being away from them longer than 8 hours. I find myself turning down offers to go out so that I don't have to be away from them for any lengthy period of time.

I went for an overnight last Saturday with a girlfriend. I really didn't want to go. I wanted to stay home with my boys. I was only gone 24 hours but missed them terribly. I couldn't wait to come home. They didn't seem to miss me as much, but they did tell me they loved me at different times during the day. My husband said that even the dog missed me and slept near the stairs waiting for me to come home.

It is nice being missed. It is great to be excited about coming home and seeing your children. I remember when my father worked two jobs and when he came home from work we were so happy to see him! I know people and family members who do not feel this way about their children. That makes me so sad and breaks my heart. I want to tell them how much they are missing with their kids and how much these little lives make me so happy. It also pains me that every day with my kids are worth more to me now, more than ever. A mother shouldn't have to have a wakeup call of a serious illness to value time with her children. Oh well, fitzhappens.

I love you more than the new Godzilla

My son Jimmy and I play this little game at bedtime. I tell him how much I love him, and smother him with hugs and kisses. I tell him "I love your more than anything" and he always replies "No, I love you more" and we continue on for a few mintues.

Sometimes we will say things like "I love you more than the dog" or "more than strawberry milk". The best one I heard was last night when he said "I love you more than the new Godzilla". Words to warm a mommy's heart.

It is funny, when my boys were little, my Joe was the affectionate one. Always wanted to be picked up and held. Jimmy never wanted me, he always wanted Daddy. Joey is more independent now, even though he was the last one to give up his paci, and doesn't seem to need Mommy as much, unless he is having a bad day. Jimmy on the other hand has been extremely affectionate and asks me to lay down with him every night. I used to like my time alone at night after the boys go to bed...but one day I said to myself, they aren't going to ask you forever to do this and soon they will be too big to have their mother lay down with them or worst..I might not be able to.

So I have made a promise to myself, that when my boys need extra mommy time they get it. Even if that means I am late to work or miss one of my favorite TV shows. There are some things in life that are too important to miss. Because we never know when fitzhappens!

I heard the news today, oh boy...

Last week was an extremely hard week. It was full of sadness. One of my friends suffered a miscarriage. All those feelings of learning that the heartbeat had stopped and the pregnancy was no longer viable came rushing back. We talked a few times, I tried to comfort her as best as I could.

Secondly, I lost two of my online friends from my BC support group. They were both 40 and 41. Each left small children. Each seem to go very quickly. One of them I felt a special kinship to. She had the same original diagnosis as myself, was in computers, and shared a lot of the qualities I admire in a person. She touched so many. When word spread of her passing, we were all shocked and devasted. Many of us sent single pink roses to the funeral home. There must of been over 30 or more. I emailed her husband expressing my sadness and letting him know how much she had meant to myself and others. We had even planned on getting our families together this spring for a baseball game.

Although I had never met these women in real life, we chatted almost daily. Sharing our treatment plans, diagnosis, fears and joys. It is hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been part of a online internet group what these friendship come to mean. I also belong to a jazzercise board and a mother of twins board..which has really morphed into a friendship board and these women have been a big part of my life for over 5, almost 6 years. What happens to them affects me deeply. We have hard our hardtimes too.

I guess the boards represent life. The good and the bad. Sometimes life is hard and fitzhappens.

Fear

Fear is a four letter word. One that has way to much power then it should. It can stop one from living, from moving forward, or making a change.

I remember having a lot of fear when I was pregnant with my twin boys. I had two previous miscarriages and I was so fearful that something was going to happen with this one. When I learned it was twins, that sent my fear into overdrive. My sister, who sometimes has some very valuable wisdom, told me that that I needed to put fear in its place and not let it inhibit me from living. Easier said then done.

For the most part my fear has been under control until a year ago. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Now I live in fear. Fear that it will return. Fear that I wont seen my boys grow into men. Fear I will die a painful death. I try not to let that beast out. But it does rear its ugly head. I hate it. It makes me angry. I wish I could move past it. I know I can. It is hard. But life is hard and fitzhappens.

What I have learned from cancer

Before I was diagnosed with cancer I worried about my weight, how I looked, opinions of others
I worried about stuff that matters so little to me now

I look back on my life and I realized
just how truly blessed I am

I knew I was strong,
But because of cancer
I discovered my deeper inner strength!

I thought I was beautiful
But because of cancer
I discovered my true inner beauty!

I thought I was a good person
But because of cancer
I discovered how truly good my friends are

I thought I was caring
But because of cancer
I discovered what true caring is all about!

I thought I listened
But because of cancer
I discovered what it means to listen with my heart!

I thought I saw the beauty that surrounds me
But because of cancer
I discovered just how beautiful my world is!

I thought I was alive
But because of cancer
I discovered what it means to embrace life!

I cried many tears…
Now it’s time for laughter

Since being diagnosed with cancer
I worried every day…
Now it’s time to surrender
Now it’s time to be a survivor
Now it’s time for me to start giving back

I learned a lot about myself…
Now it’s time to be that person

Are Angels good guys or bad guys?

Some times I love ridding in cars with boys. My boys. On the way to the grocery store we had the most fascinating conversation. It was about Angels. At first I thought my son may be worried about dying or going to heaven. Little do I know what a 5 year old boy is thinking.

The conversation goes like this
"Mom are Angels good guys or bad guys?"
"They are good guys honey", I answer.
He proceeds.."Well, why are they naked?"
I say.. "Honey they are not naked they wear white robes"
"Well I might want to shoot one"
I replied, "OH NO, you don't want to do that! G*d would be angry, why do you want to shoot them?".
In a very serious voice he replied "Well then why do they shoot people with arrows?".......

Okay, I get it...CUPID stupid! He must have seen something about Cupid. I proceeded to tell my son that Cupid shoots love arrows and they make you feel good.

I love this age.

fitz happens

fitz happens
I am extremely sad tonight. I have learned that another fellow breast cancer sister has learned that her cancer has spread. It makes me sad and mad. What bothers me the most is that like myself, if we leave this earth we leave our children behind. It seems so unfair. Breast cancer takes young mothers.

My biggest fear today is leaving my children motherless at a young age. When they need me most. They need me to kiss their owies, hug them, talk to them, tuck them in at night, read to them..maybe when they are older they wont need their momma so much, but right now, at the tender age of 5, they need me. I am not ready to go.

I have never felt so much love in my life then the love I have for my boys. I love them so much it hurts. I get excited when I come home from work, because I can't wait to see them. I love their bad breath, crying, and hugs. Every inch of them.

I don't want them to see me get sick. To see me dying. I want them to remember me as a wonderful mother and person. I am afraid that I won't be here for them. There are no guarantees in life. I hope that the time I have with my boys will help them grow to be wonderful friends, boyfriends, husbands, and most importantly fathers.

So if you read this blog, and you have your health and you have kids remember, there are many of us fighting to stay alive for our kids, don't waste a single moment of time you have, it goes too darn fast.

Planning one's own funeral

fitz happens: February 2006
Do you think it is morbid to write one’s own obit and plan out her funeral?

All my family and friends will probably chuckle at this one then get really uncomfortable. It was my life, so what not control it to the end?

So, what do I plan to say? Well here is what I have so far;

Last Name, (maidden name), Janis Mary, age xx, passed away on (insert date here) after trying to kick cancer’s butt for xx years! Janis had a wonderful sense of humor, was kind, and compassionate person. She graduated from HS and University. She spent 16 years working at the Bank in the IT department and then finished her career for an Insurance Company. Janis enjoyed a side career and touched others when she was a Jazzercise instructor for 11 years.

Janis leaves behind the loves of her life, her twin sons, J and J who brought joy to every moment of her life. Her husband S, a rock during her illness, special nephew and son E, step-daugther A blah blah (list family here) and some very special friends Kelly who was at her side through it all, Sarah D’ who provided daily cyber support, Terri , and countless other friends.

It is Janis’ wish that her life be celebrated instead of mourned. Janis found tremendous support on the internet with her illness and wishes that any contributions be made to www.breastcancer.org.

Not that I am planning on dying anytime soon. I would like to live a good long life and be around for as long as possible for my family. I also have a few songs picked out, (okay, you can stop laughing now).

Here are some of the tunes I think would be fitting for my funeral;
Spiritual ones:
On Eagles Wings
You are Near ( Yaweh, I know you are near)

Contemporary:
Can’t find my Way home (by Blind Faith)
Come down off your throne and leave your body alone.
Somebody must change.
You are the reason I've been waiting so long.
Somebody holds the key.
But I'm near the end and I just ain't got the time
And I'm wasted and I can't find my way home.
Come down on your own and leave your body alone.
Somebody must change.
You are the reason I've been waiting all these years.
Somebody holds the key.
But I can't find my way home.
But I can't find my way home.
But I can't find my way home.
But I can't find my way home.
Still I can't find my way home,
And I ain't done nothing wrong,
But I can't find my way home.

Together Again ( by Janet Jackson)
Everywhere I go
Every smile I see
I know you are there
Smilin' back at me
Dancin' in moonlight
I know you are free
I can see your star
Shinin' down on me

Solsbury Hill (by Pete Gabriel)
Climbing up on Solsbury Hill
I could see the city light
Wind was blowing, time stood still
Eagle flew out of the night
He was something to observe
Came in close, I heard a voice
Standing stretching every nerve
Had to listen had no choice
I did not believe the information
[I] just had to trust imagination
My heart going boom boom boom
"Son," he said "Grab your things,
I've come to take you home."

Someone you know has cancer..

I found this at another site and I feel that it is a wonderful thing to share;

Sometimes you feel other people's pain worse than your own. We're armored against our own troubles. We can't afford to give in to despair. Then you see someone else struggling, and it breaks your... heart.
Sean Stewart, Perfect Circle, 2004

What do you say when you learn that someone you care about has cancer? What do you do? Is there any “right” way or “wrong” way to
respond to the news?

Most cancer survivors we’ve talked with have stories to tell of comments and gestures made by friends and family members, some of which were hurtful and some of which were helpful. Based on those survivors’ stories as well as our own experiences, we offer the following "do's" and “don’t’s”. First the "don't's":

1. The worst thing you can say or do is to say or do nothing at all. Almost every survivor we’ve ever spoken with can tell of at least one person who, upon hearing the news, disappeared and was never heard from again. Maybe the fact that your friend or loved one has cancer is the worst news you’ve ever heard and you can’t stand the thought of him being this sick. You don’t know what to say or do, and it’s too painful to see him without hair, and the house smells like a hospital, and, well, it’s all so just so scary. We don’t mean to be harsh here, but this really isn’t about you. Stick around, please. Your loving presence alone can be the healing salve for a wounded, frightened spirit.

2. We know you mean well when you say, “God won’t give you more than you can handle,” but we wish you would listen to the implications in that comment and refrain from using it. It implies that God gave us cancer which inference often leads newly diagnosed patients to wonder if God is punishing them for something they did or failed to do, and that's the last thing we need to be worrying about right now.

To clean up a popular phrase, stuff happens. People get cancer (1 in 3, in fact). People get lots of other awful diseases, too. Babies are born with defects. Long-distance runners have heart attacks. Brave men and women go to war and get killed. Supermen fall from horses, and maniacs fly airplanes into buildings. And, yes, many people do get more than they can handle as evidenced by suicide rates. We don’t mean to step on anyone’s religion here, but we refuse to believe God is the one causing all this
mayhem, destruction and chaos.

Conversely, we believe God grieves with us when these things happen, and He is there for us and with us in the treatment room, in the delivery room, on the racecourse, on the battlefield, in the emergency room, on the airplane and inside its target. Instead of telling us that God gave us cancer, tell us that God will be with us
every step of the way.

3. Don’t predict the future. Acknowledge the seriousness of the diagnosis without being morbid (Oh, my God! My aunt had the very same thing and she died 8 months later!”) and without being unrealistic (“You’ll probably outlive me. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow!”). We don’t know what’s going to happen to us, and neither do you. Tell us happy stories of other long-term cancer survivors (but refrain from saying someone had “the very same thing”; no two cancer diagnoses are ever the same).

Never, ever tell us stories with unhappy endings.

Now for the “do’s”:

1.Things to say: “I’m here for you.” “You can cry with me.” “I love you.” “I won’t leave you.” “Whatever you’re feeling is okay.”

Just be there. Follow our lead. We’ll let you know if we want to “talk about it,” and if we do, please let us. Don’t change the subject. When you don’t allow us to talk about our disease, it makes us feel alone and isolated.

2.Things to do: Take my kids out for pizza and a movie or, better yet, for the weekend. Offer to pick up prescriptions, take the dog to the groomer and run other errands. Clip cartoons and funny pictures and send them in a card. Bring thoughtful gifts (a book or magazine, a tabletop fountain, a meditation tape or CD); avoid things with strong smells (bath sets, flowers, food, etc.) until you know how I'm reacting to my treatments.

A special message for doctors and other medical professionals: We know there are no guarantees, but you can give us hope. Your patients ask you for hope in different ways. Some are subtle, and some are screaming. Remember that where there is life, there is hope, and remind us of that. Instead of just saying, “You have cancer, and it’s very serious,” say, “You have cancer. It’s very serious, but once you get past the shock of this diagnosis, you are going to discover what a strong, resilient person you are. That strength and resilience partnered with our staff’s knowledge, skill and experience are going to form a powerful team to fight this disease. We’re going to do this together.”

Why me?

There are times in our lives where we think, why me? I used to be this way. I married in my twenties, picked a 'bad boy' of sorts who liked to party, wasn't good with money, and didn't really value family. My marriage was a very lonely one. I used to wonder why me? But I made that choice. I made the choice to marry someone whose values did not meet my own. I learned from that one.

Fast forward a few years, I divorced and remarried a wonderful compassionate man. Since we were both in our 30's we didn't want to waste anytime having babies so we wanted to get pregnant within a year after we were married. On our first try out I got pregnant! 5 weeks later I miscarried. A few months later, I got pregnant again. On the 'second' try. 9 weeks later I miscarried. Why me? I was devastated. My husband had a niece who was 19 at the time, not married, hooked up with a bum, and she keeps her pregnancy and I lose two? (not to mention the fact that I am now taking care of that child). Why did I have to miscarry?

Two years later I gave birth to boy twins! Why me? Oh the blessing of twins, but this time the 'why me' was a good one!!

Unfortunately, shortly after their birth I slipped into post partum depression. I didn't want to get up in the morning. Why me? Why was I so tired and cried all the time? Why was this so hard. Thank goodness I reached out for help. My mother helped take care of the babies so I could sleep and I went on mild anxiety meds. I came out of my fog.

Shortly after the birth of my twins, my company was sold out and I lost my job a few months later. I loved my job with the bank as a project manager. At first I was excited about being a stay at home mother. But as the days drone on, the unemployment ended I was bored. I adored my boys,didn't mind keeping 'house', taught Jazzercise and even Yoga. But funny thing was I wasn't happy. Why me? why does everything have to be so stinkin' hard!

Then in December of 2004, just when I thought things were going great; I had a new house, a great job, wonderful kids. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I never once said "Why me". Because I know now that 'sh*t happens' or can I say now 'fitz happens'?