I found out today that someone from my past, who made a major impact on my life, though she probably never knew it, died of breast cancer. Damn! she was only 35. She had 3 children. Oh so young.
I was shaken today. I cried. Haven't done that in a while. It just isn't fair. Why did it impact me so? Did I miss her? mourn for what I loss? No, because I really didn't know her. She wasn't someone I ever talked to directly. We shared a board over 7 years ago. She was a big part of my life back then. 7 years ago I was pregnant with Twins, scared out of my wits and she was there. A board moderator and wonderful voice. She left shortly after I had my twins. She found out she had BC, found by accident after a breast reduction. Lucky right? Yeah right.
I think I cried because I hate cancer. I hate what it does to families. There are now 3 more children in this world who have lost their mother. WhY??? Why??? Life isn't fair, shit happens, I know. But the love of a momma for her babies is something so deep it is hard to convey in words. To know that she had to leave her children breaks my heart.
I think I cried because it could be me...some day. Fitzhappens.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Where have you been???
I guess seven months has been too long to be away. Where have I been? I have been living life. Working. Going to doctor appointments. Scrapbooking. Cooking. Cleaning (well not so much). Vacation to the Bahamas, Disney, Onekama.... I guess I have been a busy girl.
Life is good. I am truly happy. Sure I would like a new kitchen floor, drop a few pounds and a decent hair cut. But overall I am happy. That scares me just a little. Last time I felt this way we took custody of my nephew and then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. 3 years ago. Time flies when fitzhappens.
Life is good. I am truly happy. Sure I would like a new kitchen floor, drop a few pounds and a decent hair cut. But overall I am happy. That scares me just a little. Last time I felt this way we took custody of my nephew and then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. 3 years ago. Time flies when fitzhappens.
Friday, January 05, 2007
A day that will live in infamy
I am sure we have all heard these words uttered by our former President Franklin D. Roosevelt. Americans at that time must have felt that they had been sucker punched. In my life I felt the same way on September 11Th, 2001. A day that was like no other that I had experienced. So many lost their lives on both days. Heart breaking.
I don't hold a lot of dates near and dear. I remember my immediate family's birthdays, my anniversary (no one else), the due date of my twins, and a few birthdays of a friend or two. Date s and anniversaries are not really that important to me. I don't make a big fuss over my birthday or anniversary. It is just a day.
However, there is one date that has stuck with me. Sadly, it was the tragic day a good friend of mine lost her baby James. The bottom fell out of her world that day. My heart broke in a million pieces for her and her family that day. Of all the events that have happened in my life, this one changed me. This is the only one that I wish I could change. I wouldn't even change my own cancer diagnosis if I could change that day.
I was never fortunate to meet James. But I grew to love him through the stories and pictures from his mother. You see, James and his brother were born on the same day as my boys. They are the same age. After James became an Angel I grieved every time I looked at my boys. It hurt. I felt guilty. Why him? A loss of a child is the worst loss.
This little boy lives on in the memories and hearts of many. Some he met and others that were like me. A few children have been named after him, memorials made and prayers given. I hate that terrible day in January. I am sure James' family does too. With time the date will be less significant. But for now, it will live on in infamy for me. AWA
I don't hold a lot of dates near and dear. I remember my immediate family's birthdays, my anniversary (no one else), the due date of my twins, and a few birthdays of a friend or two. Date s and anniversaries are not really that important to me. I don't make a big fuss over my birthday or anniversary. It is just a day.
However, there is one date that has stuck with me. Sadly, it was the tragic day a good friend of mine lost her baby James. The bottom fell out of her world that day. My heart broke in a million pieces for her and her family that day. Of all the events that have happened in my life, this one changed me. This is the only one that I wish I could change. I wouldn't even change my own cancer diagnosis if I could change that day.
I was never fortunate to meet James. But I grew to love him through the stories and pictures from his mother. You see, James and his brother were born on the same day as my boys. They are the same age. After James became an Angel I grieved every time I looked at my boys. It hurt. I felt guilty. Why him? A loss of a child is the worst loss.
This little boy lives on in the memories and hearts of many. Some he met and others that were like me. A few children have been named after him, memorials made and prayers given. I hate that terrible day in January. I am sure James' family does too. With time the date will be less significant. But for now, it will live on in infamy for me. AWA
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
The end of an Era
The other day marked the end of an Era for me. My first internet chat board is shutting down. It is my Jazzercise board. Originally named www.physcial.com.
I found this board at a time in my life where I needed it most. I had just gone out on my own as a solo instructor. There were no other instructors in the immediate area for me to lean on. It was just me. I remember being so nervous the first time I posted. I remember that my typing and spelling mistakes were quickly pointed out to me. I also remember what internet 'short cuts' were. FYI, BTDT, TFS, LOL, and so many more!
The board provided me a sounding board to bounce ideas off of, special friendship, giving and receiving advice and new ideas. I truly feel that it contributed to my success as a Jazzercise instructor. I use to visit the site every day. I found wonderful support when I married, suffered miscarriages and then the birth of my babies. It was also fun to share the latest Jazzergossip or complain about the ups and downs of teaching Jazzercise. This internet chat board or "Chatters" as we were once called, started a new chapter in my life. Internet friendships.
When I was pregnant with my twins, I found a support board called "pregnant with multiples" where I met some of the best friends of my life. I have been friends with many of these ladies for over 6 years. We have shared good times and bad. They to were there with support, advice, and comfort in raising twins! I consider many of these ladies near and dear to me. Most people can't fathom having an 'online' community of friends. Many of them were there for me in one of my darkest hours showering me with support and friendship. I felt them rally around me as I fought the new enemy.
When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I went to the internet again and found another support group. Much different than the first two, yet the same. A common thread brought us together. Cancer. This time it was different. I was bold, had learned all the etiquette of internet chat and felt comfortable posting among strangers. They didn't stay strangers for long. I have met some really great ladies. I have lost friends too, that have died from Breast Cancer. It is strange to belong to a group where people come and go for various reasons, drop in because they are scared and don't know where to turn.
We hear a lot about support groups and how important they are for people. I think it is the social aspect. Because our communities are more spread out and we don't socialize on an intimate level with our neighbors, these groups have filled the void. Sometimes the friendships that we form feel safer than our real life friends. They can be less work and provide comfort.
Who would have thought 15 years ago I would have so many friends all of over the world because of the internet? Very cool.
I found this board at a time in my life where I needed it most. I had just gone out on my own as a solo instructor. There were no other instructors in the immediate area for me to lean on. It was just me. I remember being so nervous the first time I posted. I remember that my typing and spelling mistakes were quickly pointed out to me. I also remember what internet 'short cuts' were. FYI, BTDT, TFS, LOL, and so many more!
The board provided me a sounding board to bounce ideas off of, special friendship, giving and receiving advice and new ideas. I truly feel that it contributed to my success as a Jazzercise instructor. I use to visit the site every day. I found wonderful support when I married, suffered miscarriages and then the birth of my babies. It was also fun to share the latest Jazzergossip or complain about the ups and downs of teaching Jazzercise. This internet chat board or "Chatters" as we were once called, started a new chapter in my life. Internet friendships.
When I was pregnant with my twins, I found a support board called "pregnant with multiples" where I met some of the best friends of my life. I have been friends with many of these ladies for over 6 years. We have shared good times and bad. They to were there with support, advice, and comfort in raising twins! I consider many of these ladies near and dear to me. Most people can't fathom having an 'online' community of friends. Many of them were there for me in one of my darkest hours showering me with support and friendship. I felt them rally around me as I fought the new enemy.
When I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, I went to the internet again and found another support group. Much different than the first two, yet the same. A common thread brought us together. Cancer. This time it was different. I was bold, had learned all the etiquette of internet chat and felt comfortable posting among strangers. They didn't stay strangers for long. I have met some really great ladies. I have lost friends too, that have died from Breast Cancer. It is strange to belong to a group where people come and go for various reasons, drop in because they are scared and don't know where to turn.
We hear a lot about support groups and how important they are for people. I think it is the social aspect. Because our communities are more spread out and we don't socialize on an intimate level with our neighbors, these groups have filled the void. Sometimes the friendships that we form feel safer than our real life friends. They can be less work and provide comfort.
Who would have thought 15 years ago I would have so many friends all of over the world because of the internet? Very cool.
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Are we fooling ourselves?
I belong to a Breast Cancer support group. Online. It was a rock for me over the past two years. I can't leave it. I hang on to share with old friends I made over the years and to help the newly diagnosed.
With the good comes the sad. I have had friends that have died from this damn disease. I have watched friends go from 'early' diagnosis to Stage IV. Each one tears me up. We all post about the lastest studies, drugs or advances. We share stories of survivors who have been alive for years with active cancer or no reoccurance.
But what I have noticed is that it is the few. Many of us are advancing in our cancers. The chemo has done a great job, but it is moving to where we don't want it to go, our brains...our bone marrow...it sucks. It is robbing young women of life. It is robbing children of their mommies.
I am mad. Furious. I am scared.
With the good comes the sad. I have had friends that have died from this damn disease. I have watched friends go from 'early' diagnosis to Stage IV. Each one tears me up. We all post about the lastest studies, drugs or advances. We share stories of survivors who have been alive for years with active cancer or no reoccurance.
But what I have noticed is that it is the few. Many of us are advancing in our cancers. The chemo has done a great job, but it is moving to where we don't want it to go, our brains...our bone marrow...it sucks. It is robbing young women of life. It is robbing children of their mommies.
I am mad. Furious. I am scared.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
What to do...
I am struggling right now with a moral decision. I am raising my husbands grand-nephew. His bio mother has no bond with him. Never did. I doubt it will change. The bad news is that she is pregnant again. She is hell bent on keeping it. The family is livid. We don't think she should.
Why shouldn't she have the right to keept his child? She hasn't taken responsibility for the first. She has no home. She has no income. She has nothing.
What should we do as a family? Practice tough love and do nothing? You see she has lied and stolen from the very ones who have supported her the past 5 years. We have nothing left to give.
What gets hard is when we think about the unborn child. We tried so hard to counsel her on adoption. To no avail. Do we help her for the sake of the baby? Or stand aside and watch?
I truly don't no what to do. That is hard for me. I would sleep better if she had a home and a job. Or if she would do the most unselfish thing and give the baby up for adoption. G*d help us.
Why shouldn't she have the right to keept his child? She hasn't taken responsibility for the first. She has no home. She has no income. She has nothing.
What should we do as a family? Practice tough love and do nothing? You see she has lied and stolen from the very ones who have supported her the past 5 years. We have nothing left to give.
What gets hard is when we think about the unborn child. We tried so hard to counsel her on adoption. To no avail. Do we help her for the sake of the baby? Or stand aside and watch?
I truly don't no what to do. That is hard for me. I would sleep better if she had a home and a job. Or if she would do the most unselfish thing and give the baby up for adoption. G*d help us.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Real Moments
Living in the MOMENT
I am a self-help book addict. It is true!! I must have read hundreds of self-help books over the course of my adult life from relationships, children and of course cancer.
Some were really good, some were okay, and some were horrible! I think the worst one I read was BABY WISE…two of the best ones I read was Healthy Sleep Habits, happy Baby, invaluable for twin mothers and How to Stop Worrying and start Living.
One that I read that I have been thinking a lot about is a book called Real Moments.
What are Real Moments?
I have spent a portion of my life not enjoying the real moments. Real moments are the now not the when. As some of the clichés go, stopping to smell the roses, enjoying people.
I had a horrible habit of looking forward to events thinking that if only I would get married, get a dog, get a house, get a different job that I would be happy. When I never stopped and enjoyed some the basic moments in life that actually made me happy. If I reflect back to the times that were filled with the most fun or joy they were basic events with family or friends. Moments of intense laughter, companionship and just plan old fun.
What stood in the way me not enjoying real moments? For one, my intensity to do several tasks at once. Can you believe that I can talk on the phone, empty the dishwasher and cook all at the same time? Crazy isn’t it? The drive to get everything accomplished. I am not a perfectionist, but I am a multitasker/overachiever. I will set about daily list and try to accomplish everything I can. My husband will plan one event for the weekend, and after he accomplishes it, he is “exhausted”. Heck, I could paint a bedroom, do laundry, make dinner, and clean the carpet in one weekend!
How has this changed? Well, for one having children. The blessing of having children is that every day is filled with so many real moments that it is breath taking. The second would be having one’s mortality smack you in the face and scream “Times up!”. I look at my kids now and think, “I don’t want to miss any of this”. If they ask me to lay down with them at night and we chat about anything, most of the time it is quite humorous, it is as real as it gets. The excitement when they learn something new like beating me in checkers, or invite me to see their latest creation is as real as it gets. Watching them play solders in the front yard after watching a civil war reenactment. I love every stinking minute of it. However, I think the only real moment I don’t enjoy is the fighting between the kiddos.
I don’t want to you think I am totally wrapped up in my children. I enjoy my friends and adult activities. I need those once in a while. That is what completes me as a good mother, wife, friend and manager.
Why are real moments so important to me? Well, I decided a while ago that time is something that we can never get back. There are no do overs in life. If for any reason my life is cut short I want my children to remember a mother who took the time to be with them. A mother who gave out plenty of hugs and kisses, made it to most of their school and athletic activities and a mother who they will remember as fun. I want them to remember me with happiness not restriction. I know that in 10, 20 or 30 years, they won’t care that the kitchen was never clean, that the floors were dirty or that I never fed them 5 course meals. I want them to remember a mother who love to spend time with her children, who played and laughed with them and who was there to share those real moments, because once they are gone, we can never get them back.
Next time someone in your life, whether it be your pet, spouse or child is sharing a real moment, think of what you might miss if you don’t stop to enjoy the moment.
I am a self-help book addict. It is true!! I must have read hundreds of self-help books over the course of my adult life from relationships, children and of course cancer.
Some were really good, some were okay, and some were horrible! I think the worst one I read was BABY WISE…two of the best ones I read was Healthy Sleep Habits, happy Baby, invaluable for twin mothers and How to Stop Worrying and start Living.
One that I read that I have been thinking a lot about is a book called Real Moments.
What are Real Moments?
I have spent a portion of my life not enjoying the real moments. Real moments are the now not the when. As some of the clichés go, stopping to smell the roses, enjoying people.
I had a horrible habit of looking forward to events thinking that if only I would get married, get a dog, get a house, get a different job that I would be happy. When I never stopped and enjoyed some the basic moments in life that actually made me happy. If I reflect back to the times that were filled with the most fun or joy they were basic events with family or friends. Moments of intense laughter, companionship and just plan old fun.
What stood in the way me not enjoying real moments? For one, my intensity to do several tasks at once. Can you believe that I can talk on the phone, empty the dishwasher and cook all at the same time? Crazy isn’t it? The drive to get everything accomplished. I am not a perfectionist, but I am a multitasker/overachiever. I will set about daily list and try to accomplish everything I can. My husband will plan one event for the weekend, and after he accomplishes it, he is “exhausted”. Heck, I could paint a bedroom, do laundry, make dinner, and clean the carpet in one weekend!
How has this changed? Well, for one having children. The blessing of having children is that every day is filled with so many real moments that it is breath taking. The second would be having one’s mortality smack you in the face and scream “Times up!”. I look at my kids now and think, “I don’t want to miss any of this”. If they ask me to lay down with them at night and we chat about anything, most of the time it is quite humorous, it is as real as it gets. The excitement when they learn something new like beating me in checkers, or invite me to see their latest creation is as real as it gets. Watching them play solders in the front yard after watching a civil war reenactment. I love every stinking minute of it. However, I think the only real moment I don’t enjoy is the fighting between the kiddos.
I don’t want to you think I am totally wrapped up in my children. I enjoy my friends and adult activities. I need those once in a while. That is what completes me as a good mother, wife, friend and manager.
Why are real moments so important to me? Well, I decided a while ago that time is something that we can never get back. There are no do overs in life. If for any reason my life is cut short I want my children to remember a mother who took the time to be with them. A mother who gave out plenty of hugs and kisses, made it to most of their school and athletic activities and a mother who they will remember as fun. I want them to remember me with happiness not restriction. I know that in 10, 20 or 30 years, they won’t care that the kitchen was never clean, that the floors were dirty or that I never fed them 5 course meals. I want them to remember a mother who love to spend time with her children, who played and laughed with them and who was there to share those real moments, because once they are gone, we can never get them back.
Next time someone in your life, whether it be your pet, spouse or child is sharing a real moment, think of what you might miss if you don’t stop to enjoy the moment.
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